The Third Trimester -- Can't even believe we are here!!

The third trimester. I think during this pregnancy I've thought a lot in the moment. Maybe as a coping mechanism, maybe out of fear... But the fact that we are in the third trimester came as such a shock to me, it makes me realize I haven't thought about how real this actually is! Woke up Saturday morning and looked at Nick and said "honey, we're about to have a dang baby." The third trimester makes everything so real. The apps make a big deal about it, my belly is impossible to hide these days, I visit my OB more frequently, lately everything is all about this baby making his debut now.

I had a dream two nights ago that baby came early. Like, really early. And we were not prepared one bit. I woke up so panicked. Immediately ordered $100 of "essentials" off Amazon to make me feel like "we've got this" a little more. Our baby shower is in a few weeks, and I'm sure after that we will feel like we have "all the things" -- but right now I still just feel worried we don't have enough! The dream was more of a nightmare... I was frantically trying to feed the baby, forgetting things, crying, worrying - woke up so scared! Realized I am so glad we signed up for a birthing/hospital class, and that its time to start asking for advice on hospital bag essentials and must haves for the first few weeks. SO - I'm all ears :) Every time Nick and I talk about him being here it just sounds like some unimaginable thing. We just cannot fathom what life will be like with him around every day. I don't think you can even have an idea until they're here. I know instincts will kick in and we will be just fine -- but I just didn't realize how worried/anxious I was for his arrival. I think because so far every single day has felt like some sort of miracle that he keeps growing healthfully, that I literally have not put any thought into actually being a parent. I've just been so worried he won't make it here safely, that I have not prepared at all for when he will. So 3rd trimester came and all these emotions hit at once. And don't get me started on the birth. Up until this point I've really never put much thought into labor and delivery. But now that I know this baby has got to come out, and that he's no longer the size of a strawberry, the fear started creeping in. If you have any ALL POSITIVE thoughts to share on your birth story fire away. There is so much unknown in the delivery, and in parenting and that part is a little bit of a nightmare for me. Hello control freak :) I gotta learn to let go. I've been working on this a lot lately. 

I actually can't believe how fast time has gone. Even during the morning sickness, it still felt like time was moving so fast. I know this little pumpkin is going to be here in what feels like overnight. Life has just felt incredibly hectic and crazy lately that I think I am forgetting to enjoy this time. I just want it to slow down just a little bit. I have a feeling I'll be saying that the rest of my life.

26 weeks in our kitchen that is ALMOST done!!

My 29th birthday at 27 weeks.

28 weeks and busting out of anything thats not maternity, haha.

I was talking to Nick the other day and had a huge realization. I feel like right now, in this season, I am living to work. I have been so focused on my job I have barely done anything at all in my social life. (and my social life is about to change dramatically when babe comes!!) During wedding season I have always always always struggled with work/life balance. Sometimes I wonder if being an entrepreneur was the right path for me... Just because the work is "never done." There is no "clocking out" or not worrying. And the work I do is incredibly important, and involves a lot of pressure. I cannot express how seriously I take my job. Since I started in 2011, my #1 priority has been my clients. That's it. I love my job so thats always felt so natural to me. But I'd be lying if I said that disconnecting from work hasn't been a huge struggle for me. My Type A personality is in overdrive during wedding season. Email answering every day, working on editing events before the next one is shot (which means I'm working on one wedding and three shoots per week most weeks), balancing shooting/editing/meetings/etc, and frantically checking things off my to-do list. Add pregnancy on this and it just heightens all of these things! I never want to get behind because its really important to me to get clients their images as soon as possible so I don't get backed up and everyone has their photos before I have my baby. And the worry that something could happen that would prevent me from being at a wedding is crippling. My love for my clients is one of the hugest in my life, all I want to do is provide for them 100%. And these days, thats just a little harder. I've spent a ton of time feeling horribly guilty/anxious/emotional in the last few months. I've never had anything in my life that was bigger than me, bigger than my career. And right now... our son is. This is a huge revelation for me. One that makes me worried and feeling all the feels. Its teaching me that HEY there are going to be moments in your life where you need a "sick day" and where your baby needs you more than your clients. And I am going to have to be okay with this. I had an emotional conversation with Nick the other night about how I am spending my time right now and it opened my eyes that I really need to try something new. I've barely left my house or done anything for myself in months. My brain just says "stay home and rest so you're energized for your shoots & weddings" & "stay home and edit the wedding you shot yesterday because you have another one in 6 days" and "don't miss that call, answer that email, stay on top of this work so your business doesn't suffer when you become a mom." I truly don't want to feel like I'm surviving right now. I want to feel alive/excited! I want to see my friends more. I want to get out and do things for me before it just gets more complicated with a babe. Pregnancy has taught me a lot about myself. It's actually been incredibly eye-opening. I need to let my controlling ways go, relax, turn work brain off, stop worrying about each wedding and each event, and just do the best I can. I cannot control how and when our boy will make his entrance into the world, and the sooner I am at peace with that the sooner I can relax. And I know the stress is terrible for my pregnancy so this really needs to be a huge priority of mine right now. 

Because of all of these things, and how demanding my schedule can be, after some long heart to hearts with Nick - I decided to shoot less weddings in the coming years. I LOVE them so this is a devastating idea to come, and one I actually have a hard time admitting out loud.... But in an effort to live my best life and be the best mother and wife I can be, I think more time together as a family and lessening my load overall will make a world of difference. I am absolutely still shooting weddings! Just a lot less. I am not sure I could ever let them go entirely... They are such a huge part of my heart and who I am. But once/twice a month will be much easier to manage as a mama than every weekend for 8 months straight. I am hoping I can look back on this season and feel proud of how hard I worked in a time when I was scared and vulnerable, but also a time I was proud that for once in my life I let in help. I couldn't be more grateful for all the talented women helping me at my weddings this year. It has been such a relief for myself, and I know my brides as well. So, in the next 12 weeks before little man arrives I am going to try to get better at saying YES. Yes, I can totally grab lunch with you! I'd love to go out to dinner and a movie. Friends, encourage me to do this more so I can live a little life before it all changes forever (for the better I know!) And also hoping that friends and family can extend some grace my way as I navigate through the fears that have been this pregnancy, my work life, and transitioning into being a mama.

I wanted to toss in some images of me working this year! What I do is hard work, but it doesn't come without huge rewards. I've made awesome friendships, witnessed amazing unions, and gained so much confidence in every wedding/event/session I've shot over the years and I cannot tell you how grateful I feel for it all. Maybe our son will look at these photos one day and think his working mama was cool. (Ha! Unlikely) 

Shooting a wedding at 8 weeks pregnant. I was so sick! But only had to take one break for a PB&J and some goldfish crackers. Thank goodness for Sprite :)

18, 19, 20 & 21 weeks.

26 weeks and proof I love my job.

28 weeks. Third trimester definitely making working more interesting. Thankful for the ladies helping out, carrying my stuff, and making my job so much easier!

25, 26, 27 & 28 weeks. 

As always, I can't thank you all enough for being a listening ear as I share my heart. So many of you have followed our journey and the support has been something I'm not sure I could live without. So much vulnerability in one post. But I started this blog to be honest and speak whats on my heart, so staying true to that feels like the right thing to do. And after all, life can be hard! Its beautiful and amazing, but some days are stressful and we just feel like we can't do it all, and thats OKAY. I appreciate anyones transparency on the difficulties it can be to just be a human living in the world, no matter what challenges you may face. So, thank you, as always for allowing me to be my true self and giving us so many positive vibes along the way.

Going to have another 3rd trimester update soon (hopefully) all about baby... Cause he's crazy amazing and never stops moving and recently started getting hiccups! OMG.

XOX

-Ashley

The Second Trimester -- Baby Bump Update

Photo from our super fun overnight date night at a hotel at 22 weeks. Love my hubs for planning this. It was a much needed/relaxing break!

It's been almost 7 weeks since my last baby update! I was 17 weeks then, and now 24 (tomorrow!). When I wrote last, the morning sickness was just barely in the past and I was still a little scarred and sensitive about food. They aren't kidding when they say how you just start to forget all the awful symptoms and issues with pregnancy because I'm already saying "it wasn't THAT bad." At 20 weeks my appetite came back normally and there are green veggies back in my world! YAHOO! I have never been so grateful to be pregnant in all my life, but I like to talk about the symptoms. One because I never want to forget an ounce of this experience, and two because what women's bodies do is INSANE and I think all the mamas of the world deserve a big fat hug right now. Go hug your mama! Right around 18 weeks my hips started aching at night while I slept. Its actually so much better when I'm moving! Getting up to pee in the middle of the night and waking up in the morning has gotten a lot more interesting and achy. And maneuvering over 120 pounds of dog makes it even cuter. 20 weeks started the leg cramps. Those are fierce! And pretty consistently through my whole pregnancy I've really struggled with keeping my energy up. Pre-pregnancy I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. I also have some borderline thyroid and blood sugar issues. These are all things I've managed every day before I was pregnant. Pregnancy is just making them a little harder. I'm taking my glucose test next week... My OB is thinking gestational diabetes could be in my future based on my symptoms... We will know soon! As long as I take care of myself, rest frequently, eat high protein and low sugar, and stay hydrated, I truly feel great. But any slip-ups and I pay for it dramatically! After a long weekend of working a wedding and several things in my personal life a few weeks back, I collapsed and we almost ended up at the hospital. That was a huge lesson learned. Diet, eating well and frequently, and staying hydrated and taking breaks has to be my #1 priority. I'm finding this incredibly challenging. We have a go go go lifestyle and I just can't keep up anymore! If I kept up my normal pace pre pregnancy I am plagued with horrible crash symptoms that feel similar to the flu/depletion/withdrawal. I'm frustrated with my body and that its not letting me work as hard as I want to... But just last year when I was begging and pleading for this time in my life, I promised myself that no matter what the health of our baby HAD to be first if we were ever lucky enough to get pregnant. Truly in life nothing is more important than that! I lose sight sometimes and just get upset with myself but I remember that this is such a short phase, and keeping him safe on the inside is my job right now. We've fought too long and hard to risk his health by my over-do-ing it and incessant need to keep up our "perfect" life.  Last year I would have given up anything for the opportunity to be a mama. We have it now and I just never want to lose sight of that. Overall every single symptom is totally manageable! I feel good most days and I am so thankful for that. 

18 Weeks. Exploring and eating my way thru Granville with our Scout girl.

18 weeks strawberry picking with my honey babe. He's allergic but god love him for making my day anyways!

See his little face!?!? He's holding up his arm. HOW DO I LOVE HIM SO MUCH ALREADY. 20 week anatomy scan.

Now can we talk about BABY?! My last post we had just had our 16 week gender ultrasound. He looked amazing then and we were SO relieved and excited. Our anatomy scan was scheduled for 20 weeks. I was nervous for it, but not as nervous as our last ultrasound. The tech had assured us he was growing perfectly and right on track. We got amazing news again! They checked all the chambers of his heart and all of his little parts, according to them he is perfect. Aside from a few of my own challenging symptoms, baby has been wonderful every time. We've gotten a perfect report at each visit and that is just the most amazing feeling in the world. 

I started to feel him at 18 weeks. I felt little flutters before but I will never forget that first KICK. I was eating alone at Jimmy Johns (that sounds incredibly depressing but I was running errands and just stopped for a quick bite, haha) I was SO sad I was alone because it was crazy! He had to of kicked me 15 times during that lunch. It was sweet. Just the two of us. Him saying "hey mama you're not alone at lunch IM HERE." That night Nick felt him for the first time. I cried. It's actually completely incredible. Obviously people are pregnant and making babies all the time, but I believe its a true miracle and we will celebrate every kick and every milestone because theres a freaking human being inside me and he's perfect and he makes us so happy. Now at 24 weeks he's CRAZY. I feel him all the time! Last night I just laid there from 11-12 feeling his every move. He's a champ at keeping his mama up at night already. Seems to be a night owl! He gets that from his dad cause its 9pm lights out in my world. But I'm trying to enjoy every little thing because I know this season is so short.

We have a name! Ah!! It took us awhile to land on it... I'm not announcing today. I feel like its totally his name but maybe we want to see his face first to be sure!? How is naming your babe so hard!? I just want it to fit him perfectly. But I feel like I am starting to identify with him and imagine him and call him by his name. Come on October I want to meet this little man!!

We started on the nursery! Here is a little peek. We've gotten a lot of the big items. We still need to "decorate" and get toys and little things to fill shelves and such. Nick and I are planning to go shopping for some fun knickknacks soon and I'm looking forward to that! Surprise, the nursery is pretty neutral... But hoping to add some darker and leather touches it make it a little more "boyish." That rocking horse was given to my sister and I from our grandfather when we were kids. Can't wait to see him on it. I've loved organizing his room and washing his clothes and blankets. I think I've been "nesting" since we bought our first house 4 years ago (haha) but it is taking on a whole new meaning now. Can't wait to see him in this space, in his clothes, and in our life. 

19 weeks.

19 weeks heading out to photograph a dinner party!

21 weeks working my butt of with another pregnant photo friend of mine!

Working full time while being pregnant has been interesting! I'm SO impressed by women! So many incredibly strong women have done this before me and I'm just like YOU'RE THE BOMB. Being 100% transparent, its hard! Days I have shoots I really save up my energy so I can give my all to my clients. My health is #1 and work is a close #2. I am so passionate about my clients and my business and giving them the best experience possible is a huge priority of mine. I skip out on a lot in our personal life so I can have the energy to deliver for my clients. I am so grateful for the help I've had from photo friends and all my 2nd and 3rd shooters. I've got backup plans for my backup plans. I'm covered in every way imaginable with the most talented and amazing ladies this year and I couldn't be more thankful for this. It really takes the extra anxiety off of me knowing my clients are taken care of no matter what. Again, such a short season of life but so important to me that I have all my bases covered. Shooting weddings 37 weeks pregnant is going to be WAY cute haha. I'm excited to shoot with all the ladies that are lined up to help me! It's going to be a fun season that I am so close to being done with already! 9 more left until baby boy arrives!

22 weeks working outside cleaning up the property and getting ready for our July 4th party!

23 weeks at our annual July 4th bash. It was such a fun day with 60 of our closest friends and family. Love these memories at our home!

OUR KITCHEN!!! Omg I cannot wait to grace this blog with all the photos of our incredible renovation. I've been stalling because we still have some finishing work to do. I really want it to be DONE when I share it!! Right now all we have left is the cabinet crown molding and trim for the whole 1st level. We've been taking these last few things slow because we've been working non-stop and its just really nice to take a break and enjoy it. We got our island last week just in time for our party! And thats my perfect nephew modeling on top of it. I am so happy with all of the decisions we made and excited that the work is behind us. This blog will be up before baby I promise!! Once the kitchen is complete we are going to paint our oversized 4 car garage and do a little work to that structure... And then this winter add our master bath! Next year is on to the barn/studio renovation. The work is nowhere near done around here but my goodness have we moved mountains. Stay tuned.

As always thanks so much for following along and for the support! I was hoping I could update this blog more frequently but life is crazy as it always is! Glad I can post when I can and have this little online journal to look back on at this really special time in our lives. 

XO - Ashley

7 Years of Jude

This week Jude celebrated his 7th birthday. Seven years. Close to a decade with our boy. That time has gone so fast.

I will never forget the first night we brought him home. I lived in a quaint Clintonville duplex with my two best friends. Jude cried all night long that first night, and the 4 of us just sat on the bathroom floor laughing/crying repeating "what the hell have I done!?"

Since then, Jude has lived in 5 houses, with 7 different roommates, and snuggled us all about as much as he's made us crazy.

I've been a dog lover for as long as I can remember. I have a very vivid memory one Christmas while I was in high school printing photos of dogs and taping them all over the places my parents frequented most in our house, just so they wouldn't forget I really wanted Santa to bring me a puppy. 

When Jude came into our lives on my 21st birthday, he did not disappoint. He quickly became the missing member of our family... And when I say family I mean all my best friends and their boyfriends and of course the start of Nick and I. He was the only boy at girls night, had a few too many PBR's, and snuggled better than any other beating heart I've ever met. 

Have you ever had a pet that you feel so immensely connected to, you almost have your own language. I feel like he was meant for me. That he was a piece of my heart that was always missing. I always know what he's thinking. I always know how he feels. I always know what he needs. He has slept in the nook of my belly every night for the last 2,555 days. He has one black whisker that falls out about once every two months, but always grows back. The smell of him brings me a comfort I didn't know was possible. I love the spots on his pig belly, that his ears are softer than the rest of his body, the spot so perfectly placed on the top of his head, that his toes always smell like freshly cut grass, that he will lay in the middle of the driveway when its 90 degrees in the heat of the Summer letting the sun beat down on him, that he will sit with whatever I stick on his head and smile so I can get the photo. He lives for family movie days, or binge watching Mad Men. He's anxious and nervous and excited and the biggest pain in my butt, but somehow I forgive him as quick as he pisses me off. 

Jude has been with us through some of the best times in life, and some of the worst. He has been my best friend through it all. Most of our best moments with Jude weren't even moments at all... Just us all in bed. But there have certainly been some memorable ones. Liiiiiike the first week we moved into our new house on acreage and we thought we lost Jude... We ran through the woods, drove all over town, I cried and screamed for him to come back and we found him in our sunroom 4 hours later where he was the whole time. Or the time we went to pick pumpkins and he was just a few months old and I rolled his neck up in the window and almost killed him. Or when he ate $65 worth of vegan Easter cookies I spent an entire day slaving away on. Or the time we tried to take him to Hocking Hills and he was so terrified he literally screamed the entire hike. Didn't bark. Screamed and cried. Or the time he ate 5 raw chicken breasts off the counter and was literally sick as a dog for 24+ hours. Or the time he basically ate everything all the time. Hershey kisses, my best friends red velvet birthday cake, dry pasta, PBR, 24 cupcakes and the foil wrapping, full meals I've made and turned my back on. The man eats good. 

Our 7 years with him have been incredible. I didn't know love like this existed. Jude loves us so unconditionally. So much that I can be infuriated with him, scream and yell, walk out the door, forget my keys, come back in 15 seconds later and he's jumping up on me wagging his tail. His forgiveness is constant, and his love knows no bounds. He doesn't care if I've showered, if I have on makeup, if the house is clean or dirty. He loves us in our rawest forms, with no conditions. 

Jude has always been our baby. And he will always be our first born. But I know things will change when his human brother arrives. And when we are exhausted and frustrated I hope he knows it is just a season and that we still love him wholeheartedly. He is our munchie, our gumpy, our noodle our buddy and nothing will ever change that.

Happy 7th Birthday Jude. 

2017's birthday portrait. 

The First Trimester -- FINALLY! An update about our baby boy on the way...

We've spent the last month informing friends of our amazing news -- so I am sure you already know at this point -- but just in case you don't, WE'RE PREGNANT!

I've thought about this post for such a long time. Thought about what I could say to even express our gratitude for this miracle. I am sure it will fall short. But, I will try!

I started this blog when I was in a really dark place, searching for support & needing it as therapy after a long year of miscarriages and heart break. My first post was on December 15th, 2016. At this point we had had multiple doctor appointments, were waiting on results, and just eternally waiting for our baby. I never dreamt that we would find out we were healthfully pregnant just 6 weeks later. I imagined years of pouring out my heart and soul, connecting with others and their journey with infertility, and bringing you all along. I am still shocked and amazed that we are here now, 17 weeks pregnant. I still fear that this is a dream, that someone will take it away from us... But I am doing my best to listen to my doctors, and just keep the faith that this is our little boy and he will 100% be with us come October. 

I, like most women trying to get pregnant after 15 months was obsessively taking ovulation tests. So far, in all of my pregnancies I have had a hunch I was pregnant. My symptoms have always come on quickly. But I was never sure. One day feeling certain, the next completely talking myself out of it. It's that maddening battle of the wait between ovulation and period. I took a pregnancy test the morning of February 16th, 2017 and it was positive! First thought, PURE JOY. Then of course like a freight train came the fear. All we've experienced with pregnancy thus far is loss, it's so so hard not to let your brain go there. But I pushed it out, at least for the day, and was just so so excited to tell Nick this wonderful news. As you all know we've been in a 6 month major overhaul kitchen renovation. That particular week we had just gotten our drywall hung -- So I decided to paint the surprise on our new wall so Nick could see when he got home from work. He was shocked, it was such a fun moment!

And then, you wait. Wait for test results to make sure things are progressing, wait for your ultrasound to hear baby's heartbeat. Waiting that first month was EXCRUCIATING. In the past, we'd never made it to our 8 week ultrasound, we had always had complications prior to that. My doctor suggested we follow my HcG and progesterone levels before the ultrasound to check on progression and ease my mind. Those results came back PERFECT and helped me to relax for a short little while. Pregnancy after repeated loss is so incredibly hard. I imagine any pregnant mama worries... But saying I worried is the understatement of the century. The doctors felt great and that helped, but I was just dying to see my baby on that screen and hear that heartbeat thumping!

My first experience with morning sickness was the morning I turned 6 weeks. WHOA! I went from eating avocados twice a day and the most balanced diet, to not even being able to look at something green. Weeks 6-9 were really hard. I was just trying to figure out how to manage the nausea, keep my cookies down, and find things I could stand to eat. I ate a ton of applesauce, crackers, soda, bread, and strawberries. As soon as I figured out how to manage the nausea it did get slightly better. Never let your belly go empty! But this is quite the task when eating is the hardest thing, ever. I found myself eating things like Fruit Loops and ice cream pops, things I never buy normally! It was literally day to day whatever you can tolerate, eat it. I started to feel more myself around week 13. Prior to that it was naps all hours of the day, no makeup, and just surviving the day. My nightstand looked like a convenience store, and I was pretty much worthless to accomplish anything around our house. Thank god for my mother who helped around the house, and my husband who was fetching toast, water, soda, taking care of our pups, and listening to me cry. I am so lucky for the help I had and time I had to take care of myself in the first trimester! As hard as those symptoms were, they brought me SO MUCH PEACE. I had never had morning sickness with my other pregnancies and I just knew this was a good sign. I'm 17 weeks now and still struggling with an appetite. I'm not nauseous anymore, just can't seem to find things that sound good. And I've noticed its so much worse at night. Evenings come and I am so beat that eating a yogurt and passing out is all I can seem to do most nights. Surprisingly enough, morning sickness is not necessarily in the morning at all! I had a few bad mornings, but evenings were the worst for me always. But I am through the worst of that now! Everyone says that your appetite turns for the better around week 20. I'll be looking forward to that!!  I always thought pregnancy was a time to eat like a hog guilt free!? I'm ready! 

March 17, 2017 -- The first time we saw our baby. Oh my goodness my anxiety that morning was unreal! Up until that point we had had great news, I had no known complications, and I was sick as a dog, so in other words, super pregnant. We were just so nervous/anxious/excited to see our baby 9 am that day could not come fast enough. The sound of its little heartbeat is something I will never ever get tired of. We were so excited, immediate tears, immediate relief. Baby was measuring right on track and had a strong heart rate. We were on a high that day and I will never forget it. Our doctor found a small bleed (which went away on its own and turned out to be nothing at all, thankfully!) but wanted another ultrasound in a week to be sure. Here is baby at 9w3d. Lucky for a 2nd healthy ultrasound. Any chance to see my babe I will take it!!

Breaking news, on April 4th I ate 4 carrots and a green pepper. Up until this moment it was toast and fruity pebbles. Hubs was proud of me that day!

And here is week 12. My first bump pic. And looking now I realize thats not a bump at all! Definitely more breakfast than baby but at least we have documentation of what I once looked like now that I'm really getting a bump!

Fast forward to 14 weeks! Starting to feel more myself and my belly growing a little bigger.

My sister gifted us a blink box and I LOVE IT. Such a simple and easy way to document your pregnancy. This has been one of my favorite gifts so far.

And then week 16, when we get to see our baby again and find out the gender!! I was truly more excited to see the babe then find out what (he!) was! I was still a nervous wreck going into the appointment... Again, everything seemed to be progressing perfectly, we had had multiple appointments checking for a heart beat, so far so good. But I knew this ultrasound was big because baby was going to look like a baby now! I think its safe to say our 16 week ultrasound was the best day of mine and my husbands life. I have never seen anything so incredible and beautiful in my life! His perfect little profile. He has two ears! And we saw his lips. It was so amazing. We cried and we were on the highest high that life can offer! The tech was so sweet and showed us baby for over twenty minutes too. We got to see him swimming all around and all his perfect parts. What an amazing day. We didn't find out the gender in the room, we took an envelope home and waited to open it until the next day!

The next morning was the big reveal!! My brother in law opened the envelope, handed us the right smoke sticks, lit those babies on fire and found out we were having a BOY!

Everyone in our life had convinced us it was a girl. Such a fun shock finding out it was a boy! Another moment in life I will never forget. I'm not sure the shock has worn off that we will be parents to a little guy this Fall. I'm not sure it will feel real until he's here! We had a girl name set in stone, but I'm worried this boy will be nameless until we leave the hospital. I swear boy names are SO HARD. We have some contenders, but nothing Nick and I both agree on and love 100%. I want to name him just so I can stop calling him "Him" and "Baby." We still have 5 months to figure it out! We might just have to stay at the hospital till he's two.

So here we are, 17 weeks in and I feel... better. Our last ultrasound gave me a peace I could have only hoped for. Instead of letting fear and worry take over, the past two weeks we have been so excited! I didn't let myself plan or think ahead too much in the first trimester. I just focused on staying healthy and getting through the sickness. But now that we have every reason to believe our son will be with us in a few short months, I'm letting myself shop!! I bought a few things for his nursery last week and it felt so good. Maybe the beginning stages of nesting!? Lets be honest I just love to decorate. We've had friends and family buy us little outfits and his first gifts and organizing all of that in his room has been something I've dreamt about for so long. I can't even express to you how grateful we feel to be given this opportunity to be parents. Nick reaches over to rub my belly and its one of the sweetest, most special things. I woke up in the middle of the night the other night to him holding my belly. He will just come up behind me to touch and feel, its sweet and brings me so much comfort. Love doing this with him.

The rollercoaster that is infertility is quite the ride. As excited as I was about this miracle, my heart also hurt for all the other mama's in waiting. I know how much announcements and bump photos cut into me when we were trying and losing. I've had a lot of anxiety about sharing our news for fear of hurting someone else. But I will say, mama's that struggled and then went on to have babies gave me hope on hope on hope. Their stories inspired me to stay strong and focused. They constantly promised me that it was all worth it, just keep fighting. I haven't met my boy yet, but I will tell you being here now has been worth everything we went through. I am so glad I didn't let our losses defeat me (although there were moments when I thought it might). If you are still waiting for your positive, waiting for your rainbow baby, my wish for you is that you stay patient and gentle on yourself. There are so many ways to become a mama, and I truly believe those destined to be, will become parents. Our experience has brought me an intense sense of gratefulness and what I feel will be such a fierce love for our son. It's helping me to be grateful for every single little thing, even the dry heaves and not so adorable pregnancy symptoms. I am so so thankful for all the ladies that talked me through my fears on our journey. They will never know what they did for me in a time I felt so lost, alone, and completely not myself. I look forward to so many happy posts to come, but we had bumps in the road & this is our story, raw and real. I've always felt so connected to authentic people and their stories and I hope to be that for others. 

Thank you SO much for following along during this crazy ride in starting our family. Every comment, every text, card, gift - I will never ever forget any of it. We love you all so much! 

XOX-Ashley

An update on our kitchen -- two and a half months later!

My last post was over two and a half months ago! How did that happen!? Ahhh, such is life. I dreamt of blogging regularly and then you realize real life. I've got eight loads of laundry that need done and bathrooms that need cleaned butttttt-that can wait. An update is long over-do!

The last time I posted about the kitchen was January 22nd -- and it was at the point we had just finally demoed and finished the behind the walls work.. To think of where we are now!? I've been wanting to share our progress, but we're so close to the finish line at this point I wondered if I should wait for the big reveal - but decided you can have a glimpse now! We are hoping the flooring will be done in two weeks, then its backsplash and paint and this project is finished!! I've spent my time ordering rugs and furniture lately so I know we are getting close!

So in the last three months we've gotten cabinets, hardware, countertops, sink, appliances, shelves, lighting, plumbing for our future master bath, and sooooo much more little stuff! I still need to order an island, liiiiike probably should have done that a month ago... There are so many working parts to a full gut house reno, its overwhelming! Last weekend we finished taking out a sliding glass door that was completely unnecessary--built a new wall for our eat in kitchen table area. I'm thinking of painting this wall BLUE. Everything in our house is some shade of gray or white - I'm thinking we need a pop. And if I hate it, its a $30 loss. Nick also got the original blue prints and paintings to our house framed, and they're blue too! So I think it will all tie in great. Excited to hang that! Love the history it holds. This was someones dream house in 1983, and now we've reworked it to make it our dream house. Fun to think about the memories made behind these walls. And now we're making our own.

Here's some iPhone photo updates! The next kitchen post is going to be the big reveal!! Can't even imagine that is going to be less than a month away! Definitely has taken 6 months - but 1 million % worth the hard work in the end. We saved so much $ doing it ourselves and the pride knowing it was all our handwork makes it that much sweeter. 

Everything around the property is coming back to life. I love Spring. It feels like a fresh start, a new beginning. I just love the eagerness to get outside and enjoy the sunshine. We've already spent quite a few nights on the porch. Today smelled like Summer and it just made my heart jump. My absolute favorite thing about living in Ohio is the seasons. I could make a list a mile long on why I love each of them. Every time I think Fall is my favorite, then Spring comes. There's such an incredible amount of beauty all around us if you take a second to look. Now we just need all that grass seed we planted to grow baby grow.

Aside from the kitchen renovation, we've spent so much time with our new nephew that is somehow already three months old. How!? As soon as Spring made its way back, so did work/wedding season. Our days lately have been full. But this blog is a place I enjoy and need to get back to!

So many cute posts coming your way in the future. Can't wait for you to see all that we have planned for our life this Summer. Stay tuned!

XOX-Ashley

When Valentine's Day is a week away and you just love your husband a whole lot...

I have to be honest – when people post online multiple times per week/month about how amazing their spouse is, I kind of cringe. That sounds super unkind – and I never want to sound that way, but it just makes me tick a little. I don’t know why this is because I love love. BUT – that is what I am about to do right now…

Most of the people that follow this blog (at least right now, anyways) I know personally. So this story wont come as a shock to many. But I wanted to take a moment to introduce my husband and I so you know a little more about the life behind the posts.

Today Nick is 26, I am 28. We met in high school in a suburb east of Columbus. Nick had long, wild hair – listened to alternative music – and wore tight jeans. Lets just say I had to have him. We dated briefly in high school, but it wasn’t until my freshman year in college that we started dating consistently.

From there we lived with friends on campus, and then in Clintonville, and then together in German Village. Those were some of the best times. In 2013 Nick and I bought our first house in the suburbs. I wanted so badly to be out in the country, but with our modest budget and busy lifestyles it just wasn’t feasible. I loved our little M/I build. It was clean and bright and beautiful and ours. I still miss that house. We shared so many good memories there. Actually the day we put the for sale sign in the yard I literally cried all night long and contemplated changing our minds on the move. But I am happy we stuck with the plan, that was such a great time in our lives and I will always think of it with complete happiness, but I love where we are now, too.

And then the journey #fromsuburbanhoodtochoppinwood began! We had been looking for months with no luck on the perfect property/home/location. Because we were having no luck in our search we had made plans to move in with my parents… but at the literal last minute (we had 24 hours to get out of our last house) we found this little cabin style home on a hill. It definitely wasn’t what I had dreamt in my head. I saw us in a white farm house with a wrap around porch that was built in the early 1900’s. But the second I pulled into that driveway to view our home in the middle of October, all of the 100 trees beautifully changed, I was done. I look back and still think – why did I buy this place!? The garage and barn were the ugliest color brown, the house so dark and the opposite of what we like. The house is fairly small and nothing had been touched since the 80’s. But I walked through the doors and saw so much potential. It had a barn for my future photography studio, an oversized 4 car garage, a long gravel drive, and a unique little home with a big deck overlooking our 4 acres… I thought “this will do.” But what I’m writing about today is not our home… But our love and life.

I really just want to write about Nick today. Ugghhhh this man! Been making me crazy in all the right ways for the past 9 years. I find myself saying “nobody told us how hard this was going to be!” quite frenquently. But actually, they did. How many times in your life have you heard “marriage is hard.” It was hard for me to even imagine that because we had had such an incredible start to our lives. We lived downtown and that phase of life was so much fun, bought our first home, bought motorcycles and vintage trucks, had cookouts with friends, adopted the best puppies in the world, took trips – its been great. We argue, let me be clear. We are as normal as they come. We have our issues, we don’t always communicate the best, sometimes we have bad weeks. But I literally cannot imagine a world without my Nick.

I just love him. I love his fearlessness, I love his constant laughter. I love how much he loves the outdoor cat that came with our house. He is always thinking of her and taking care of her and I find it to be completely adorable. I love his willingness to make me happy. I appreciate that he never complains. I love that he hates when the bottom of the comforter is tucked under the bed so you can’t stick your feet out, because I hate that too. I love his hair and his clothes and his butt. I love his boots and his tattoos and when he chops wood with an axe. I love that he is quiet, introverted. He doesn’t have to be the center of attention, he listens and laughs and I find this to be so sweet. I love watching him with our puppies. I love that no matter the challenges he has had to face in life (which have been a lot more than I) he gets back up and keeps on keepin on. I love that he claims me on an airplane, because my behavior is hardly that of an adult. I appreciate that he is sensitive to my quirks and fears and allows me to make so many decisions because of that. I love that he didn't kick me off the top of the mountain in the Smokies when I was hysterically crying and acting like a literal crazy woman. I love that he has spent his weekends for the past 15 months working so incredibly hard on our home to make me happy. I love the way he looks on his motorcycle. I love his love for socks. He has literally 60+ pairs of the cutest socks. I love that he tries really really hard not to laugh at me, but after my constant persistence he finally caves into a fit of laughter. I love that he never worries, that he truly doesn’t fear things. He reminds me that its not useful. I love watching him with our nephew and our friends kids, one day when the time is right he is going to make one really good dad. I love that he trusts me. I love that even though he feels medium about Christmas, he will still cut down trees and stand on ladders and let me blast Christmas music through the house because he knows how much I love it. I love how impressed he is with me when I tear out drywall or install light fixtures on my own. I love that he let me keep my last name without question. I love that I’ve turned him into a little bit of a clean/germ freak – how can the sight of him washing his hands make me so happy? I love that he notices how hard I work to keep our relationship fresh and fun. He appreciates my efforts to keep us in check and happy. I love him for standing by his wedding vows.

I’d be lying if I said the last year didn’t test us. There have been so many moments of doubt and uncertainty. Infertility issues will definitely put a strain on a relationship. I’ve said and done things I am not proud of. We’ve wept and we’ve been angry. But we’ve continued to fight for us. We are fighting for ourselves, for each other. Fighting to keep our relationship strong. Fighting for our future family. I just need Nick to know my appreciation for him. That even when I felt like I was at the bottom, the lowest I have ever felt, he never once considered an out. I watched our wedding video last week alone in our bed in the middle of the day and I felt a rush of “oh my god I love this man and our life.” I think its really easy to forget the good when you’ve been faced with so much bad. I love photos for this reason. I’ve found myself flipping through our chatbooks, through our photo albums, through old hard drives… It gives me this overwhelming feeling of happiness. (and what encouraged me to write this post) Remembering the trips, the boring nights at home, the big moments, and the small moments. I am just so glad that we found each other and are committed to this whole life thing together. Even though we are in a waiting phase, and a period of life that hurts more than others, I don’t want to waste this time with him. Every single day is one more I’ve gotten to live a life I truly do love. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I know I am going to hold that hand as tight as I can and conquer it together. I wanted to say this all today because I don’t say it enough. To him, to anyone. I want to shout from the rooftops I LOVE YOU NICK CARY. My hubs, my scrabble opponent, my my puppy parenting partner, the one who my heart loves. 

I love every single one of these moments... of learning, growing, exploring, and loving hard. Babe thank you so much for all you've given me. My forever Valentine. #dateyourhusband

XOX - Ashley

An update on everyday life, our kitchen reno, and our new nephew.

The last week has been a WHIRLWIND! 

I will start with life updates. Work is slowing down, and by slowing down I mean shooting less... But the busyness is in the website updating, blogging, taxes, and the list of million other things you cannot get done in the heart of wedding season. I'm all caught up on editing and now its on to the not so fun stuff. But happy to have a small break from the hustle and bustle to get these things done! 

We have been busy with the house... I will update you all on the kitchen below!

My nephew was born at 7:11am on Thursday January 19th. What an incredible experience. I have one sister and this is her first baby, you could say we were all EXTRA excited. She went into labor on Wednesday night as we were hanging out trying to figure out what the heck to eat for dinner. By the time the pizza arrived she was pretty sure these pains were labor and 30 minutes later her and her husband Jeremy were out the door to the hospital. And thankfully they were! Because she dilated to 9cm 30 minutes after arriving to the hospital. She got her epidural around 11pm and 9cm -- we all thought this was going down NOW. Well Baby West wanted to stay snug a little longer... She labored down about 6 more hours and started to push at 5:30am. If you have never witnessed a birth in your life, you should. Its the most amazing thing I have ever seen. My sisters birth was my third in the last year and nothing short of incredible. The strength of women is absolutely unreal. Basically, she's the bomb.com. After an hour and 45 minutes of pushing his 9.2 pounds of perfect popped out and all was right in the world. Since his arrival myself and my family have not missed a beat. West is loved by so many and we are just so excited to have him apart of the family. I learned a new and fierce love, being an Aunt. Nick and I are just so excited at the future we will have with this little guy. He is such a gift to our family. Here's a few shots from the past few days! (Some pro and some iPhone!)

Little guy made it home! Two days new right here:

Okay, onto the kitchen update! Oh my goodness ya'll. The amount of work here is unreal!

We started demo the last week in November.... Our original timeline was early November but I had to have my wisdom teeth emergency extracted and I had some complications with that which pushed us back three weeks. And we last minute decided to paint our barn because we had a great weekend of weather so that pushed the kitchen another week. 

Demo itself took a month. Can we talk about getting up glued down tile floor!? OMG I am so grateful for these men that busted their butts. And the clean up on a project like that!? Lets just say there is STILL dust covering everything we own. 

When we Demo-ed the closet that we're removing for better sight lines to the kitchen we uncovered that it is load bearing. We have a structural engineer coming out tomorrow to guide us in the right direction on how to install a new and proper beam that can hold the load. Unexpected detail right there!

We also uncovered the upstairs bathroom drain that needed to be relocated so we could run our cabinets to the ceiling. Another unexpected detail!

Once demo was finally done (still a little more to do!) we started hammering away at all the little things. We had to tear out the ceiling so the electrician could come in and rewire the kitchen, thats now finished! We had to install supports for the new open shelving, run water to the new pot filler, gas to the new range, support for our sliding pantry barn door, lay new subfloor... the list is long!

All of these small details have added up to a TON of time. And not much instant gratification! Dying over here. Can't we just make it pretty already!? Turns out when you completely change the layout of your kitchen and tear it down to the studs and do everything yourself with the help of your family it doesn't get done overnight. Ha! Once we get the engineer in here, we are hopeful this project will really start moving... And with things you can see! Moving plumbing pipes is hardly glamorous. I am hopeful that February is going to be a big month for us! Maybe we can start putting this old house back together!?

If you scroll up you and see the plans for the new kitchen (black and white screenshots!) One day hopefully it will look like that!? In all honesty we are projecting April-May for a finish date. There are so many finishing touches that are going to take us a ton of time. We are working on being patient, thats for sure! But its a good thing to do with our time and I know once its done we will feel so accomplished!

The images directly below the new plans are "before" shots of the kitchen before we demo-ed. Definitely going to be a HUGE change! And the last image is the kitchen we put together in the basement so we could cook and feel normal temporarily. If we hadn't done this, I would not have survived a minute. It is certainly annoying to spend my time in a dark basement cooking, and we don't have a dishwasher which I'm finding to be a huge inconvenience, but honestly... it really hasn't been that bad! A few extra trips up and down the stairs and washing dishes the old fashioned way, we will certainly survive!

And now onto everyday life! I was down for 5 weeks of the last 3 months due to some sickness and my wisdom teeth -- not fun! Made for some pretty uneventful days. But I was healthy Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years -- Grateful for that! We had wonderful holidays with family and friends. I'm missing the Christmas decorations up around the house... But looked at our Chatbooks from over the Summer and was quickly reminded how beautiful it was here and will be again in just a few short months. Consider us ready to host all of the get togethers this summer with the kitchen and so much else around here done -- we are ready for a Summer to remember!

Hoping you all are enjoying your first few weeks of the New Year! We are looking forward to the good this year will bring for us and a fresh start! And of course spending unlimited time with our new nephew! Hoping our house updates are much more thrilling in the coming months!

As always, thanks for the support!

XOX - Ashley

Patience, Peace, and Perseverance

When I started this blog, and thought of starting this blog, if it were going to be anything I wanted it to be honest. As much as I want to dose you with constant love and positivity, that is just not our current reality. My hope is that one day it will be, and all the heartache I express here will one day turn into joy and gratitude. 

Today has been a hard day. After miscarriage number one I was in a really bad place mentally. I had heard of people having depression but had no clue what that actually entailed. I've always had an anxious mind and likely worried more than most, but always felt generally optimistic and excited for the future. That all changed in what felt like overnight. I went from this person who was SO excited for the future and this next step... to feelings of "what is the point of all of this?" and feelings of inadequacy, and just point blank not wanting to get out of bed. The fear, the pain, the worry, it was crippling me. My anxiety was the worst it had ever been, I would cry daily. I had no desire to even try to get up and get out and better myself. This lasted a few months, my wedding and work season picked back up and it felt like I had no choice but to get back at it. Honestly, it was probably a good thing looking back because it forced me to get some "normalcy" back in my daily life. And then I went through this rollercoaster of emotions where I found myself constantly upset because life was just going on. But wait, didn't anyone see what I just lost? Did you forget? Hi I'm still here and I'm still hurting. It was like everyone just expected me to be back to ole me. I was still dying inside daily and hanging on by a thread. All while everyone around me is getting on with their happy life. 

When we conceived again in September it felt like FINALLY. We started our journey in October, we were tired and ready and I just felt relieved. When we lost number two I think I was just in shock and disbelief. I was hysterical that day, and exhausted the couple days following - but again, we had plans that following weekend and life just had to go on. With the second miscarriage I felt a little less emotional and more OKAY whats going on and what are we going to do to fix it. I'm an extremely emotional person, but there's a large rational side to me, and I think that kicked it. I made an appointment immediately with my OB to start the process of researching what is next. Although my OB felt sure it was "a fluke" both times she still suggested running a recurrent miscarriage blood panel just to be sure we could rule any possibilities out. I am so grateful she did, because had she not we would likely have had a third miscarriage without treatment. 

I will go into more detail about what they found, but I'd like to wait until our appointment with the high risk pregnancy doctor on the 24th to do so. But in short, they found a genetic mutation and a blood clotting disorder. Initially, I sobbed. I thought "this is the end, we will never carry a healthy baby to term, this is the end of us having our biological child." But a phone conversation with my OB that week assured me that this is actually only the beginning, that now we have answers, and treatable issues at hand, we can move forward with making this work for us. This conversation was in late October. We are now almost 3 months from that phone call and I'm not sure I know more than I did then. When we got that information we decided to "stop trying" until we were able to see all of our specialists to make sure there was a great plan in place for us to get and stay pregnant. After an appointment in December with a hematologist that confirmed their suspicions, we were given the go ahead to try again for baby. After our second miscarriage and taking 3 months off from worrying about ovulation and "trying" I felt slightly relieved. It felt like exactly what Nick and I both needed, a break from the crazy, and just an opportunity to rest. I was able to move from all hope is lost and I can't get out of bed, to our doctors have this and our plan could work. I started feeling overall better mentally. At least not horrible depression that was affecting me in more ways than I even realized. I certainly still cried. I cried on thanksgiving because I just couldn't imagine saying what I was thankful for in a room full of people without bursting into tears, I cried on christmas because our baby was not there to wear their pajamas, I cried at pregnancy announcements, social media ads, the list goes on. But in my mind, the future looked better than it had overall and I was trying to take that as a win.

Since we got our results, I've been on and off google, forums, support groups and calling all troops to give me any and all information they could. The issues I have I've found can be controversial and quite honestly sound like trial and error to get women to the point where they are holding pregnancies. I wanted to be knowledgeable about what we were facing and be able to advocate for myself, but I am fearful this research only just shuddered my bones and brought on more fear and anxiety. One day I will wake up and say "the next pregnancy is it! Our rainbow baby is right around the corner!" And other days I will wake up with worry that crushes my entire being, fearful we will have several more miscarriages before they find the right treatment, possible still birth or late term miscarriages, fear this will never ever happen for us, fear this will take years of draining our spirits and I will fall back to that dark place of awful anxiety.

After a long day of worry today, I've come to the conclusion that I need to let go. I need to put faith in my doctors, keep my mind busy with positive things, and stay focused. Most things in life, if you want it, with handwork, it is achievable. I've always viewed things as goals I will eventually attain by working hard and doing my best. Well, I've learned no matter how hard I work, this one is out of my hands. And that is MADDENING to me. I just keep thinking, I will do anything, I will put in the time, I will work as hard as it takes -- But hard work won't fix this. I can't fix this. Nick can't fix this. My friends can't fix this. My family can't fix this. We are just here.

And that is where patience, peace, and perseverance come into play. 

As hopeful as I am trying to be, I know this could still take time. I am begging for patience in this hard time for our family. And in this time of waiting I am hoping for peace. Hoping that we will one day have peace and understanding of this circumstance we've found ourselves in. I want peace with our diagnosis. I want to find peace and happiness to extend to our friends and families that have been so lucky to be able to start their families. I am hopeful they will find patience with us in this time of uncertainty and hurting. And I am hoping that in the end, we have persevered through it all.

A ton of Mama's who struggled for their littles have reached out to me over the last year and a couple things have stuck out to me and brought a sense of comfort. One Mama that went through years of infertility and 3 IVF treatments later said to me "there is always a plan b, if plan a doesn't work, move to plan b." This truth stuck in my head... there is always another option. And that realization brings me comfort.

Another Mama sent me the sweetest note in the mail and it said "mamas that fought for their babies have an undeniable fierce love and appreciation for their family." She promised me the fight is worth it and not to give up. This note brought me to tears. It reminds me not to lose sight of what we are working so hard for.

One day this blog will be a lot different, it will be full of baby photos and nursery plans and all of the things we've learned as parents. But until then, I cannot thank you enough for your constant love and support. The kind words, the notes, the texts, the comments, they get me by day by day and bring us hope for the future. The support makes time move faster and fills our hearts with positivity. So, thank you for following our journey and listening to my heart.

XOX - Ashley

On these last three days of 2016, I am thankful...

There are only three days left in 2016. I’ve spent this year counting down the days until it would be over. I’ve spent a lot of time angry, anxious, fearful, envious, worried, and exhausted. But its like a switch went off in me this week and I can see another side.

February 3rd we found out we were pregnant. My best friend had just given birth to her baby girl and they were still in the hospital when I called to tell her. We both cried on the phone with so much joy and excitement. Fast forward to almost 8 weeks pregnant when I just knew something wasn’t right. The sweetest on call doctor came in on a Saturday to give us our first ultrasound and ultimately tell us that our baby was not developing properly. I cried so hard on the drive home I was choking. We walked through the front door and I sat on the couch in silence. I will never forget falling asleep that night and waking up that morning thinking I was still healthfully pregnant. Sleeping was the worst… Mornings brought on a pain of remembering the loss over and over again. We found out our baby would not have a life outside of my womb at 7.5 weeks. I had decided I wanted to let go of it naturally – But when nature did not run it’s course I was forced to move forward with surgery. Those were the worst three weeks of my life. The waiting, the worry, the grieving. I would wake up with my hands on my belly and just weep. I did not recognize this depressed person I had become. I literally cannot express my thankfulness that I had no weddings in that month of emotional/physical pain because I don’t know how I would have done it.

Combine losing our baby with conquering one of my biggest fears – going under anesthesia. I’m definitely the girl who walked out of three wisdom teeth consultations and a scheduled surgery because I could not do it. For three weeks I waited for our baby to say goodbye and that day just did not come.

On March 16 I was scheduled for surgery. My anxiety leading up to it was crippling. I was so exhausted from grieving for weeks, barely eating, barely sleeping… But I read comforting books and set inspirational reminders on my apple watch to stay focused, don’t panic, & be strong. Although nothing about this surgery was uplifting (what surgery is I suppose!?) I remember waking up feeling relieved. I missed our baby, but I knew that this was the only way for me to get healthy and us to get closer to the family we’ve dreamt about.

Three weeks after our miscarriage Nick’s Step Mother was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident involving a drunk driver. Watching him, his siblings, and his family in that pain was unbearable. I will never forget the pain of that night, and the person that spent so much time raising my husband. I think of her daily and I feel pain in my heart for her kids that have had to work so hard to find their new normal. This senseless act by one person has forever changed my life and so many people around me that I love. I pray daily for peace for everyone that was touched by this tragedy. I will never be the same again. <3

Fast forward to 7 months of ups and downs in more ways than one. I remember thinking, oh the pain will go away quickly because we will just get pregnant again right away and we can move forward. I was wrong. Days where I felt good, only to hop on Facebook and see another pregnancy announcement, sent me right back to feelings of depression and inadequacy. I think my want to be pregnant so bad was keeping us from getting pregnant again. It was such a stressful time full of so much worry, anger, confusion, a lot of “why me’s” and scary thoughts. All while trying to stay focused on my business, serve my clients, and remain the bubbly and uplifting person I try to be. Exhausted was a huge understatement.

In late September we found out we were expecting again. I remember feeling like “this is it! This is our time!” I felt like I had paid my dues, I had struggled and I finally deserved this. When I started bleeding that morning in October I was so sick and so shocked. I had just assumed that I had my one fluke miscarriage and that this time we would have our baby. I was just so scared, is the baby gone? Am I fine? Is the baby fine? I didn’t even want to be standing upright, like laying down would stop this miscarriage in its tracks. On this specific day I had a wedding to shoot. I’ve photographed almost 175 weddings and I’ve been well for all of them (a couple fevers and head colds, but healthy for the most part) – Let’s conquer my next biggest fear – Not being well enough to serve my clients at my absolute 100% on their wedding day. I called on friends, called my sweet sweet bride, and had more support than I could have ever imagined on that day.  I had backups, but chose to stay the full wedding day in an effort not to let anyone down. I could have never gotten through that extremely painful and draining day without some incredible people. I will never forget the kindness shown to me in that time of need.

Our first baby was due the first week in October – I knew that week would be hard for me, but losing our 2nd then just felt so unnecessarily cruel. If you know anything about October in a photographer’s world – I had a couple days to cry and it was back to the grind.

Some testing that was done later in October confirmed we had lost that baby – and that there may be some answers as to why this keeps happening. (I will touch on this in another post).

Moving forward – First week in November I get an infection in the wisdom teeth I’ve refused to have removed the past 12 years because of some extreme fears. My dentist tried to help clear up the infection but ultimately decided that an emergency removal was best. Consultation on November 3, pulled November 4th. (I had 12 sessions scheduled for November 5th, all of which I had to cancel/reschedule completely killing me to let down all of these incredible clients). Facing another fear of mine – and I survived. It was a great feeling to have it behind me. Survived a dry socket and was starting to feel myself again. And then like the freight train of doom that has been my life this year rolled in the night before a wedding – I woke up with the worst abdominal pain I have ever had. After 10 hours of pain and a ton of tears on my bathroom floor I finally decided to have Nick drive me to the hospital. I had a wedding starting in 2 hours and I could barely walk/function at all. Fortunately I had scheduled two amazing backups just in case I had any complications with my surgery… I was at the ER until 11:30 and my coverage started at 12. My backups were there and more than capable (omg this bride was literally in the best hands!) but I still spent most of my time in the ER crying about this wedding and what I was going to do. Again, more support and understanding shown to me than I ever thought possible from everyone involved that day. I was able to attend and shoot a portion of the wedding and left the rest to my talented photo friends. (Doctors attributed this pain to a reaction to the medication I was on from surgery, gave me a shot, and time got me back to normal).

Basically, you could say 2016 was full of a lot of SURVIVING. I feel like I have literally been praying and wishing and crying and facing fears every direction I turned. Its like the black cloud just WOULD NOT LEAVE.

But…

I realized something this week. I’ve always thought life was a lot about perspective. And although this series of events absolutely merits tears and fears – there is always always always something to be thankful for.

I think I’ve been seeing this all wrong.

What really happened is we lost two precious babies – but gained hope. I made the decision early on that I was going to be open about our struggles in an effort to help even just one woman who felt alone. I cannot tell you what other women’s stories have done for me in this journey. I literally don’t know that I could have gotten through those dark days without hearing other struggles that families have gone through. I would never, ever want this pain to be wished on another human being, but the reality is – it has been. And as unfortunate as this is, I know we have each other to lean and cry on, support and cheer on down this long road.

Losing these babies has taught me SO much about life. I have been living in a frantic/busy/overwhelming world since I started college… This year happened and its like it all made sense. STOP. STOP Ashley. You can say no. You can put yourself, your babies, your marriage, your family FIRST. You don’t have to work 70 hour weeks and miss every single Summer for the rest of your life. You CAN take weekends off and refresh and relax with your husband. You CAN dream up a future when you are lucky enough to have your babies that actually involves you being home and raising them, working less and living more. These life experiences have hit me like a truck in all the best ways possible. Sometimes we need something huge and pivotal to happen in our lives to make us realize we’ve been doing it all wrong. Since I started my business, nothing has been more important to me than it. And it will always always always be one of the biggest priorities in my life. But when my health, my life, my babies lives depend on some down time, I CAN ask for help, I CAN call on a friend, I CAN for one day not be okay. This frantic perfect way of living has worn me out for years and its like I finally understand what I need. And, I’ve proven to myself I CAN do hard things. I can conquer fears big and small, I’m strong enough to be a Mother, I can take whatever comes my way. I went from refusing to ever go under, to two surgeries in 7 months. This may seem like a small battle to some, but for me it was a war. And I came and I conquered. If we don’t celebrate our small victories, what else is there? If you’re lucky enough to live your entire life with no hardships – GO YOU. It’s probably pretty nice! But that’s not real life. The bad shows us how GOOD the good can be. I’ve learned to be gentle on myself and others, you never know the battle someone is fighting. My goals and priorities for 2017 look so much different. And although the idea of less work and more life can scare me some (there’s that worrying about my business again) it also ignites me. If you are looking at 2016 and thinking you can’t run out of this year fast enough – I challenge you to take this next three days to see the good that has come out of it. I’m not where I want to be just yet, but the journey is making me a stronger and more capable person. Whatever 2017 is to bring, I will face it, I will conquer it, and I will learn to LOVE it. I am going to embrace all of my friends and family having babies of their own and know that our time will come. I am going to be happy for people that have things I might not. I am going to give back to those who might have less than. I am going to be present in every moment of life because I know that it is not guaranteed. Every day is a gift, and sometimes we just need reminded of that.

2016, you’ve been hard. But I appreciate you making me stronger and proving that I can do things I never thought I could.

And that basically-- Females Are Strong As Hell.

Some Christmas Wrapping - Some Christmas Baking - Some Christmas Cheer

I have wanted to label my gifts with photos for the past three Christmases. And then Christmas comes like a freight train, as it always does and I never get around to it! How many of you say I'm going to do "THIS" this Holiday season and it never happens?! But I am in the perfect position to do this style gift tag because I photograph all of my friends and family all year long so I always have great options for their presents. I thought ahead this year and ordered the prints early. LOVE IT. And I bought this massive roll of kraft paper on amazon 5 years ago and refuse to buy more wrapping until its gone.

Our tree is cute and short and stumpy and busy this year! I usually have cards on our fridge - or this little card tree hanger from West Elm -- But with us having a demoed kitchen this year the cards got tossed in the tree because there is literally just not room for them anywhere else. This room is our safe place right now as the rest of the house is a disaster zone. And it even has an inch worth of dust on it. My full time job is now dusting. HOW DOES IT GET EVERYWHERE.

We are hosting Christmas day dinner for the first time this year and I'm not sure what we were thinking!!?!? I mean my family already knows its always chaos at our house... The dogs will eat the food right off your plate, I'm like a medium housewife so theres typically a million things not done (my mother and aunt put me to shame!), our dogs jump/never listen/chase cats and wild animals, and now we have an awesome gigantic trip hazard as we have subfloor in one side of the house and a big hop to the carpet in the living room. I can just see someone traveling up from our makeshift awkward basement kitchen with their crockpot meal on their paper plate and tripping and their halfway-decent meal flying across the room. TIS THE SEASON. But - as long as we're together that's all that matters! Grateful my family let Nick and I take this on. It should be a Christmas to remember for sure!

This is Jude's contribution. He's our construction project manager and sidekick to about everything we do. However his help is minimal. Actually negative help typically because he's always stepping in and on things he shouldn't be. But he sure looks cute sleeping by the tree, eh!? Totally worth the $50 bucks. We love ya buddy!

I have an intense love for Marshmallows. They are my favorite part of hot chocolate. And I eat them as a snack multiple times a week. I saw a photo friend post a couple years ago that she made homemade marshmallows and I was like UHHHH ME ME ME I gotta!! So she kindly sent me the recipe she uses. And although I was nervous how they'd turn out (called for a candy thermometer, I'm like howwwww do I use this thing!?) I am just so happy with the result. 

Here is the website I got the recipe from! http://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-make-fluffy-vanilla-marshmallows-130751 Thank you to The Kitchn for sharing your wonderful recipe so myself and my family can enjoy it!!

Every year I bake cookies with my sister and best friend and we give them as gifts. I am tossing some hot cocoa and mallows into the mix! Hope all of my friends and family love them as much as I do! I love giving a good handmade from the heart (or the oven) gift. 

I was surprised at how easy it was! Just follow the instructions exactly and you are good to go!

How To Make Fluffy Marshmallows (The Kitchn Blog)

Recipe gratefully adapted from Marshmallows by Eileen Talanian

Makes roughly 100 marshmallows, depending on size

What You Need

Ingredients

For the gelatin bloom:
3 tablespoons (typically 3 packets) unflavored gelatin powder (See Recipe Notes)
1/2 cup cold water
1 1/2 tablespoons vanilla extract

For the marshmallows:
3/4 cup water
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
1 1/4 cup sugar cane syrup or corn syrup
Pinch kosher salt

For the marshmallow coating:
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1/2 cup cornstarch

Cooking spray

Equipment
Bowls and measuring cups
Fork or small whisk
9x13 baking pan or other flat container
4-quart saucepan (slightly larger or smaller is ok)
Pastry brush (optional)
Candy Thermometer one that can clip to the side of the sauce pan
Stand mixer with a wire whisk attachment (See Recipe Note)
Clean kitchen towel
Stiff spatula or spoon (as opposed to a rubbery, flexible one)
Sharp knife or pizza wheel

Instructions

1. Prepare pans and equipment: Spray the baking pan with cooking spray. Use a paper towel to wipe the pan and make sure there’s a thin film on every surface, corner, and side. Set it near your stand mixer, along with the kitchen towel and spatula. Fit the stand mixer with the whisk attachment.
2. Bloom the gelatin: Measure the gelatin into the bowl of the stand mixer. Combine 1/2 cup cold water and vanilla in a measuring cup and pour this over the gelatin while whisking gently with a fork. Continue stirring until the gelatin reaches the consistency of apple sauce and there are no more large lumps. Set the bowl back in your standing mixer. (Alternatively, you can bloom the gelatin in a small cup and transfer it to the stand mixer.)
3. Combine the ingredients for the syrup: Pour 3/4 cup water into the 4-quart saucepan. Pour the sugar, corn syrup, and salt on top. Do not stir.
4. Bring the sugar syrup to a boil: Place the pan over medium-high heat and bring it to a full, rapid boil — all of the liquid should be boiling. As it is coming to a bowl, occasionally dip a pastry brush in water and brush down the sides of the pot. This prevents sugar crystals from falling into the liquid, which can cause the syrup to crystallize. If you don’t have a pastry brush, cover the pan for 2 minutes once the mixture is at a boil so the steam can wash the sides. 
   
   → Do not stir the sugar once it has come to a boil.
    
5. Boil the syrup to 247°F to 250°F: Clip a candy thermometer to the side of the sauce pan and continue boiling until the sugar mixture reaches 247°F to 250°F. Take the pan off the heat and remove the thermometer.
6. Whisk the hot syrup into the gelatin: Turn on your mixer to medium speed. Carefully pour the hot sugar syrup down the side of the bowl into the gelatin. The mixture may foam up — just go slowly and carefully. 
7. Increase speed and continue beating: When all the syrup has been added, cover the bowl with a clean kitchen towel and increase the speed to high (the cloth protects from splatters — the cloth can be removed after the marshmallows have started to thicken). 
8. Beat marshmallows until thick and glossy: Whip for about 10 minutes. At first, the liquid will be very clear and frothy. Around 3 minutes, the liquid will start looking opaque, white, and creamy, and the bowl will be very warm to the touch. Around 5 minutes, the marshmallow will start to increase in volume. You'll see thin, sticky strands between the whisk and the side of the bowl; these strands will start to thicken into ropes over the next 5 minutes. The marshmallow may not change visually in the last few minutes, but continue beating for the full 10 minutes. When you finish beating and stop the mixer, it will resemble soft-serve vanilla ice cream.
9. Immediately transfer to the baking pan: With the mixer running on medium, slowly lift (or lower, depending on your model) the whisk out of the bowl so it spins off as much marshmallow as possible. Using your stiff spatula, scrape the marshmallow mixture into the pan. This stuff is very thick and sticky, so don’t worry about getting every last bit out of the bowl. Just get as much as you can.
10. Let the marshmallows set for 6 to 24 hours: Spray your hands lightly with cooking oil and smooth the top of the marshmallow to make it as even as possible. Let the mixture sit uncovered and at room temperature for 6 to 24 hours to set and "cure."
11. Prepare the marshmallow coating: Combine the powdered sugar and cornstarch in a bowl.
12. Remove the marshmallows from the pan: Sprinkle the top of the cured marshmallows with some of the powdered sugar mix and smooth it with your hand. Flip the block of marshmallows out onto your work surface. Use a spatula to pry them out of the pan if necessary. Sprinkle more powdered sugar mixture over the top of the marshmallow block.
13. Cut the marshmallows: Using a sharp knife or pizza wheel, cut the marshmallows into squares. It helps to dip your knife in water every few cuts. (You can also cut the marshmallows with cookie cutters.) 
14. Coat each square with powdered sugar mix: Toss each square in the powdered sugar mix so all the sides are evenly coated.
15. Store the marshmallows: Marshmallows will keep in an airtight container at room temperature for several weeks. Leftover marshmallow coating can be stored in a sealed container indefinitely.

We got such an amazing snow here last week and I was just in home heaven! Our little cabin covered in snow makes my heart burst outside my chest. If I said I bought a flat roofed house so Santa could land safely would you believe me!?

One of my absolute favorite family traditions is Christmas Tree Hunting. Every year for as long as I can remember we have hopped in my Dad's suburban - drove over the river and through the woods to cut down the perfect tree, Griswold style. Since my sister and I have homes of our own we cut down too. My parents have a massive vaulted ceiling and they've always gotten 15-18ft trees. As a kid this was so incredible. It just felt like the Christmas spirit was that much bigger! In 2012 I started taking my camera and doing videos of out hunt. Any memory we have captured in our life is something I never regret. So much fun to look back on a time we all cherish so much every year. View fun family shenanigans here!:

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“ITS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!”

CAN I GET A LITTLE MORE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!?

If you know me, you know I love Christmas. If you don't know me.... I LOVE Christmas. It has always been one of my absolute favorite times of year. I love the movies, the music, the food, the fires, the lights, the togetherness (not the sicknesses - I'm on round two!), and just the general spirit and excitement that comes with the Holiday. But this year felt different.

When we found out we were expecting in February - I was SO excited to have a baby at Christmas time that I bought the cutest burts bees baby PJ's. Then we lost it. Lots of tears and heartache and seven months later in September we found out about baby number two. I of course had a cute Christmas announcement planned. I was so excited to include this news in our Christmas card. When we lost number two the hole in my heart was just so deep. Some days the pain is so bad I feel physically sick. Other days I am optimistic and hopeful. This journey is such a whirlwind of emotions, I cannot even describe to you. I went through some dark days/thoughts and decided we wouldn't do a Christmas card this year. We've done a card every year since 2010. But It's been such a hard year for us I just kept thinking how I don't feel happy - why make a happy card when I'm not. That feeling fortunately (partially) passed.

So -- I had this idea that we would cut down our tree, keep it on the Jeep, put the dogs in the car, snap a pic -- perfect. Well I elected my very pregnant non-photographer sister to take this photo -- combine that with my dogs not listening (every other day in their life I cannot keep their heads out of the windows, but on THIS day they would not stick their heads out!) -- we had treats and were jumping - making weird noises, anything to make the dogs look. We ended up with one shot where the dogs weren't sneezing or blinking and we were looking at the camera. Whatever! It works! And then I wanted the back of the card to be Nick and I holding the tree over our heads -- turns out a 12 ft tree is really REALLY heavy. So after several attempts, me throwing out my back, and Nick repeating "babe I just want to get what you want, its okay we can try again" - I started having a melt down. Real tears. I threw a fit. Blubbering "I'm not happy I don't even care about a card I don't even want a card. I don't care I don't care I don't care." My emotions got the best of me and a switch went off. Fortunately when I have these moments and days I can usually bounce back pretty quick. (And then I go through days of guilt because I acted so ungrateful for all we have).

It all turned out okay. We did a one sided small/simple card this year with the one image that worked. (1st one below!) I took time this week to go back through all of our cards from years passed and it made me smile. I have every card we've done over the last 7 years and its cute to watch our family grow (and our awful hairstyles and design taste change haha). We got Jude in 2010, our first card! 2013 Scout joined our family. I know in years to come our family will grow and we will look back at this time with bitter-sweet feelings in our heart. Our journey may not be perfect, but its still our journey and I can resent it or embrace it. 

Here is my family at the Christmas tree farm. We haven't had a good portrait in a few years so I am really glad we captured this moment. Cutting down our trees is one of my favorite family traditions that we've all looked forward to every year. And anytime you get my Dad in a collared sweater it has to be documented! HA.

Even in hard times if you look around you'll see there is still so much to be thankful for.

In discussing our cards from the past.... 2010 and 2011. Gotta love the straight bangs.

2012 and 2013. I think 2012 is one of my favorite cards yet. My photo friend Allison came to our townhouse in German Village and took some cozy shots of us with Jude. Those are still some of my favorite photos of us to this day! (When we were puppy parents of just one, were way cooler living downtown, and when life was a whole lot simpler). And 2013 with Santa's missing reindeer (aka my very disturbed dogs, anything for their Mommy!).

And then 2014 - the year we got married. I found this graphic that looks just like our 1969 ford and couldn't resist its cuteness. That was a sweet time in our lives and maybe one of our best Christmases, ever. 2015 - This image was taken literal days after moving into our new home. We had no heat, no internet, were living in boxes, and the house and property were a complete mess -- Amazing what a year can do. And although our 2016 card is simple and the memories behind it may not be all great - I am hoping one day I can laugh about my temper tantrum and the fact that I thought Nick and I could gracefully hold a 100 pound tree over our heads. If you stay focused on the good, the bad doesn't seem so bad.

Hope you are having the happiest holiday season! I've had a crazy couple months with work, and am officially caught up! Made homemade marshmallows last week and dog treats last night for all the puppies in my life. A wedding tomorrow and then I am taking all next week to focus on this magical holiday I love so much. 

Challenging myself to have faith in our family journey and be grateful for all the good we have. Appreciating our support system this year, all who have reached out, sent cards, sent gifts, sent texts. Being thought of is a really great feeling. I know we have so many people pulling for us. I am going to enjoy this Christmas with Nick and our dogs, who knows - it could be our last one of just a family of four. There is always always always something to be thankful for. Take a second to look around and see if you can let a little extra Christmas spirit in your heart this week.

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“Maybe Christmas he thought doesn’t come from a store... Maybe Christmas, perhaps means a little bit more.”

— The Grinch

THE START OF SOMETHING NEW --

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Hello, friends!

Most of you follow my photography blog - And I love to share tidbits of my life there, but lately I've felt I want to share more. We've had quite the year of learning and growing - and documenting my life has always been something I truly enjoy. This year we've had tons to document with the renovation of our little cabin home. Right now, I have no kitchen. Well - I have a little kitchen in the basement that we've set up temporarily - but our main kitchen is gutted. (And don't worry we decided to host Christmas Day dinner for the first time this year, great timing. Hellllllooooo crockpot).

I've also mentioned on my photo blog that we've been trying for a baby. After two losses and some testing, I think we are getting much closer to answers. I've found that publicly sharing this journey has helped with my fear and worry about what the future holds for us. I even know a couple women who have my exact condition and have healthy children, definitely gives us hope! We are over a year into this journey and its been one full of excitement, worry, hope, and fear. And through speaking out about this topic I've found I am so far from alone. I look forward to sharing this process with you as we learn more and more about what we're in for.

I've had the idea for awhile to start a personal blog but went back and forth. Do I have enough to say? Do I have enough time?! (The answer is no, haha) Will people read it!? But it all came down to this - I will read it. It brings me peace and happiness to look back on the memories of our life. I love remembering exactly how I felt on certain days and times. Last year with our new home we took a huge leap into a major lifestyle change. Some days along the way I have no idea what we were thinking! And other days have been full of joy. I've said so many times I could write a book - So instead, I'll write a blog. 

This is my first post and intro into what to expect. 

I'd love to get a couple Christmas posts in before the Holidays arrive! How do we only have 10 days until Christmas!? It always goes way too fast!! But I made homemade marshmallows I want to share with you, and maybe some of our Christmas decor too!

Expect kitchen renovation posts - Updates of our dogs - Sharing memories of holidays and events in our life - My journey to living present over perfect - Our hope for baby - And so much more. 

As always, thank you for the support!

XOX - Ashley