Full transparency, this has been my worst week yet. Holy nausea. I’m chasing it constantly. The more I eat the better I feel, but it’s so damn hard to eat. I’m still figuring out the recipe to it all, what meds to take, how much and when to eat so I don’t slide down the slippery slope hard and fast. The brain fog came on pretty intense this week as well. My brain is just so tired, truly doesn’t feel right. It’s kind of hard to explain? Foggy, muddy, yucky, weird. This week has been a struggle. Physical discomfort bled into mental and I’ve been a little down. BUT - I’m going to tell you all of the positive things that happened to me this week, and some things I just love about being alive.
I hit the early 2000’s movies hard this week. Kinda comforting, right? It’s like you’ve seen them all before, you almost know all the words, easy to doze off to. Here’s what I watched:
*10 things I hate about you * Life as we know it * The notebook * Catch and release * the lucky one * Mean girls * No strings attached * A Cinderella story * Save the last dance * That awkward moment * Bride wars * This is 40 *
Gotta love a good ole classic rom com. But - not to ruin a once good thing… these movies are so incredibly inappropriate. So much sexual content, not even the least bit inclusive. I tried to enjoy them for what they are, and I did. But also so glad in 15-20 years we give a crap about these things.
This is 40 literally cracks me up. Like brings me to tears laughing. If you have kids, and you’re even close to 40, watch it. A bright spot for Nick and I this week. Hilarious.
I got outside for some sunshine today, I was just laying on our driveway, kids napping, and Nick fired up the tractor. (He was doing yard work). That hum of the tractor, breeze blowing, sun shining, mmmm that’s just home. That’s comfort. That’s the sound of the weekend around here and I love it. Brings my heart peace.
This week, like most weeks we got so many cards and gifts and meals. I need you all to understand my gratitude. I wish there were words to perfectly express how my heart feels. I truly cry with every package. Time and time again I just cannot get over peoples kindness and generosity. It’s unreal. It’s so inspiring to me to GIVE BACK when I can. Just this week we got: An amazing package of head scarves and and cozy jackets sent from a beloved instagram friend and mom-preneur. Paige Collective
A bag of literally the cutest OSU gear for my entire family from Where I'm From (a client of mine and also a survivor). Target gift cards and letter toys for the boys. A handmade fall hat and super cute pumpkin for Porter from an instagram friend. HideAndSoakEtsy Mexican food on Thursday with a basket full of goodies for the boys and a box full of cupcakes from a client I love and adore. A $500 check from an organization I have never heard of Pink Ladies of Galion, they raise funds for breast cancer patients in the community (such a shock and surprise). And truly daily cards, gift cards, meals, and sweet messages of inspiration. I can’t get over the support. I can’t get over the kindness of human beings. I can’t get over how many people stop their busy lives to write us a card, give to us, think of us. I just cannot say enough thanks. We love you all more than you’ll ever know.
We started pulling out the Halloween decor cause I’m a sucker for the holidays. And if you know Porter, you know his deep love for Halloween. He gets so exuberantly excited at every single thing that comes out of the tote. His joy is contagious. It’s so much fun.
It’s not lost on me that the year we expanded the cut flower garden and planted a 1 acre meadow is the same year I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s feels like the timing could not be more perfect. I mean, if you’re going to get this awful disease, might as well do it surrounded by the most beautiful flowers you’ve ever seen, right?! Growing dahlias for the first time this year has been actual therapy for me. I am so thankful that they have thrived. They are all so unique, so beautiful, so mesmerizing. Some so perfectly symmetrical, some larger and more wild. I love these flowers. I am hooked. I am in love. And the wildflower meadow, ahhhhhh. We spent so many days looking at dirt, waiting patiently for the last frost of spring where we could finally get those seeds in the ground. So much tilling, so much weeding, so much manual labor. The seeds were quite the investment for such a large space, I was so nervous they wouldn’t germinate. But, they did. And it’s been so beautiful. I’ve been sitting outside a ton in the evenings, and I LOVE watching the light creep up the meadow as the sun sets. It’s such a gorgeous sight. It is literal therapy for me to be in the flowers, touching them, cutting them, watching them in the light of the sun, arranging them. It’s one of the only things I can do right now where I truly slip away, forget my reality for a moment or two, get lost in it. I am so thankful for a thriving garden this year. It has brought me so much joy and so much peace. I’m dreading the first frost, but thankfully that comes with the beauty that is Fall, so in that case, I’ll take it.
My first chat with a social worker (she helps cancer patients through their survivorship) a couple weeks ago mentioned what physical touch can do for our anxiety. Touching our babies, rocking them, hugging them, holding them. In my chemo class they mentioned how you excrete chemotherapy, and all the things you need to do to keep your family and friends safe. It scared me, I was reluctant to hug and kiss the kids, I was scrubbing toilets like crazy. She was so sweet and genuine and was like “Ashley, you need to kiss your husband, you need to cuddle your kids, your soul needs this.” So my oncologists NP called and assured me that I am not radioactive, and gave me tips on making it safe. I have felt so much better since then. I’m getting my feels on, and it feels so good. When I get in bed at night and my hand or my chest meets any part of Nick’s body I can just feel my anxiety settle. I was feeling icky last night around 8 o clock, I told Nick I was anxious, I curled myself around his arm, had my head snuggled into him, and I was asleep before I realized. Never taking that physical touch from someone you love for granted. Melt into it, it feels so good, so safe.
I attached two photos of a note from a survivor out of a book I was gifted. Every single time I read it steady tears stream down my face. I read it to Nick on our patio one night, it was dark and the kids were in bed, sobbing I could barely get through it, and I looked up at him, his eyes wet, & full of so much hope. I want this to be my story, more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. This story, and survivors that have gone on to live a full life, give me so much hope, they give me strength, they push me through my breakdowns and moments of weakness. I’ve been told a handful of stories like this one this week and every time I can feel my heart light up, like maybe that will be me. There is hope. There is light. It is possible. I can do this.
