About 5 weeks ago my mom called me to tell me the devastating news that my Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. My heart sank hearing the words, a pit in my stomach formed. No one ever wants to receive this news. I was heartbroken for her. Directly after that phone call I hopped in the shower and something compelled me to do a self breast exam. Can’t say I do them often, it had been months. I’ve had ultrasounds in the past finding dense tissue and benign cysts… I feel like I’ve always been told “you’re just going to freak yourself out, 90% of the time its nothing, stop stressing.” So I had kind of given up on the whole self breast exam thing… But this day, something just told me to do it. Immediately, I felt the lump. It was quite large, was not round like a cyst, and I had this overwhelming feeling of, I just knew. I got out of the shower and yelled to Nick. I told him my fears and that I needed to get in right away. It took a week to get into my OB. That entire week I swear I touched, massaged, and obsessed over that lump multiple times a day. My OB agreed, we needed a closer look. The mammogram tech was silent, and escorted me out to the waiting room for an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was straight forward, she assumed it would need biopsied. I started crying immediately. I was alone, I didn’t bring Nick because hey 90% of these things are benign, how would I be the one that gets a breast cancer diagnosis in her 30’s. It seemed impossible. When she ran the ultrasound wand over my armpit to find enlarged lymph nodes, that’s the moment I broke down. I called Nick, so much anxiety it was hard to get the words out. “It’s not good, they want a biopsy, my lymph nodes are enlarged too.”
Fast forward to an appointment with a breast surgeon, and then a biopsy on July 27th (the day before my 34th birthday), and then getting the call on July 29th. I had just sat down in my room to start some work and the phone rang. This was only 3 weeks ago, I’ve replayed it in my head a thousand times, and it takes the air from my lungs each time. “It is cancer Ashley, yes it’s invasive, you will need chemo.” I had already yelled down to Nick, we both stood there in our bedroom frozen in shock. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Stage 2, Grade 3, Her2+. Since that day I have been riding the most intense roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes the fear and grief completely take me under. A lot of days feel like a tsunami just crashed into our life. If I’m completely honest, my moments of strength are few and far between right now. Mentally, this is weighing heavy on me. How this will affect my family and friends, my husband, my parents, my babies… It all feels like too much.
I’ve had a rough weekend. On Thursday I was given a zoladex injection to shut down my ovaries. This will be part of my long term treatment plan to suppress estrogen in my body. (The cancer is Estrogen driven, less estrogen = less cancer). Well, I’ve suffered from hormonal migraines since I was 12, and this abrupt hormonal change in my body threw me into the worst migraine I have ever had. I can confidently say in 22+ years I have never had nausea and head pain quite that bad. And of course this hit on the day they lined up all of my ‘pre chemo tests.’ The hospital was able to push my first appointment back, and somehow I dragged myself there for an EKG + CT scans all while wearing an eye mask and being mostly mentally and physically checked out. But, I did it.
My oncologist suggested that I get another covid booster before treatment so I scheduled that for Saturday morning. Let’s just say my body was fighting that vaccine HARD. I had a 101-102 fever and chilled in my bed from 7pm all through the night until the next day at 2pm when it finally lifted. The body aches were awful, I genuinely felt so bad. From 6am Friday to 2pm Sunday I pretty much didn’t leave my bed. In a way, I think this weekend somehow prepared me for tomorrow…. my first chemo. I felt truly awful for 3 days straight, and now I am out of it. That was hard, but I did it, I can do this.
I heard something recently that really resonated with me… “Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared. Being brave means you are scared and you do it anyways.” This is me. I’m scared, I’m worried, but I am going to do what I need to do.
Tomorrow is the big day. It’s the day when we start the fight. It’s going to be a fight. I know it’s going to hurt physically, emotionally, mentally. I am going to have to dig so deep to get through this time. My big hope right now is that after my first couple treatments I realize I can in fact do it, and the anxiety starts to subside and I can focus on managing side effects and healing (not doing all of those things + worrying about doing them 100% of the time). This is week one of 12 before I can be done with chemo and head to surgery and being cancer free. We have to start so we can finish, and when you put it like that, I’m ready.
Love you all so much. Thank you for the constant support. I hope we can update everyone this week on how it all went.
XO