8 Year Anniversary of Our Humble Hideaway // 2023 Life Update

I remember writing this post last year. I had just had my last chemo treatment and I was completely exhausted. The brain fog was so intense I truly struggled to put sentences together. I remember wanting to just say screw it, but… I’ve written this blog post every year for 8 years, and I care deeply about tradition, so I pushed on. I am so happy to say that I am mentally and physically in a much better place today. Words at this time last year I wasn’t sure I would ever say.

I love to start off this post with Christmas photos from the year prior. We closed on our home November 16, 2015 so the holidays always fall right after this meaningful day. And they’re my favorite so here you go.

Every year for the past 8 years we have chipped away at making this house a home. I can truly and honestly say what we have built here is better than the dreams I had from the start. Living here has turned into my true passion. The endless possibilities completely ignite my creativity. I love that I’m still surprising myself with how the property is evolving. I never saw a mini flower farm, I never saw a greenhouse. Now both of those things are so important to me! I always thought a pool would be fun, but truly never thought we’d have the means. I just can’t believe all we have accomplished. It is still a humble operation around here. Nick and I + my parents help is what keeps the ship afloat. I am just so grateful for it all. Here is a rough recap of what we’ve done over the years.

Here’s a quick recap of past years renovations:

2015: Close on home & Move in

2016: Remodel Existing Bathrooms, Paint, Replace Fencing, Clean up the Property, Replace interior and exterior doors, tons of small projects

2017: Kitchen Renovation, New Flooring, & our Porter Gene joining the family

2018: Barn/Studio Renovation

2019: Driveway addition and clean up, Master Bedroom Reno, Master Bathroom Addition

2020: Reside Garage to match barn, Nolan Henry joined our family

2021: Remodel Mudroom, Add Front French Doors, Remove Wall To Sunporch/Add Renovate Dining Room, Finished Basement 3/4 Done, Added to the garden

2022: Added a window in the boys bathroom and a large window in our stairwell, Two bathrooms got new cabinets and a re-fresh, Planted a 1 acre wildflower meadow, expanded the cut flower garden, planted new trees and flowering shrubs, started construction on an in-ground swimming pool

2023: Finished construction on the pool, stained the house and windows black, added to the garden & added a greenhouse

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A few personal highlights from last Winter. I had my mastectomy surgery and was officially considered “cancer free.” Nolan turned 3 years old. We took our annual family ski trip and the boys skied for the first time. My best friend Alyssa visited from Florida. I remained in immunotherapy treatment every three weeks.

One of the biggest updates we did to our house this year was staining it black! We have renovated about 85% of the inside in 8 years, but have honestly almost completely neglected the exterior. I underestimated how much I would love this change. It makes such a HUGE difference! We also sprayed all of the windows black as well. We are super happy with this change and its holding up really well. We still have some landscaping to do around the house, hoping we can tackle that next Summer.

If you’ve been here awhile you might remember how much of a disaster our pool project has been. Without going into every gruesome detail, we hired an incompetent contractor that walked away with a huge payment and never came back. We are still dealing with this situation. But, we decided in March of this year to go ahead and hire another company to finish the pool. I am SO glad we did. It took over a year, and so much stress, but honestly the memories made this summer made it all worth it. Having it finished was honestly surreal. After having about every issue imaginable, it being finished just did not seem attainable. So, when it was, it just felt that much sweeter. It was finished during an unusual warm spell in April, so we cranked up the heater and had ourselves an opening little party. Truly so many times this year Nick and I were really marveling in it all. We just had so much gratitude for this little slice of paradise.

In May of this year I took my first girls trip since having the boys. I was nervous to leave them, but the plans for this trip fell together so effortlessly, it was just meant to be. We truly had the most amazing time. It was my first time seeing the ocean since being diagnosed with cancer. It was cleansing, it was healing, it was freeing, it was truly relaxing. Alyssa and Ashley have both been there for me through this journey every step of the way, so getting to celebrate life with them was just incredibly special. It was a trip I will never ever forget.

Growing a cut flower garden has been one of the most amazing and unexpected joys in my life. The garden is truly one of the only places I feel calmness, I get lost, I feel free. Its been an amazing creative outlet for me. But, I will say managing it all while on chemo drugs is not exactly the easiest thing I have ever done. My garden would be a mess without the help of my mom. I am so grateful for her willingness to help me make the property to beautiful. Every year it is growing and evolving into such a beautiful area. My passion for flowers has really taken off and each year I get more and more excited to add to it.

I found so much healing in the garden this year. Being witness to all of these beautiful plants thriving, it made me thrive, too. It brought me joy. It gave me something to share with others. We hosted our first “yoga in the flowers” event and it was absolutely perfect. The garden has been a good distraction for me, a good motivator to get up every day and get outside and make something beautiful. I am so thankful for this space that I can live freely in.

For about the last 3 years I have had this dream to build a beautiful greenhouse on the property. I would look into it, and then work and the kids would take priority. It was always in the back of my mind, but I kept getting distracted. In June of 2022 I started getting more serious, gathering quotes, and putting together information and a business plan. 4 weeks later I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer so that dream came to an immediate halt. During treatment I remember thinking over and over again that building a greenhouse was squashed, for good. Now that I wasn’t working there was no way we could afford it. Now that I wasn’t healthy there was no way I could be strong enough to plan, build, and maintain it. That dream for my life felt lost, amongst many other things. It was a hard time for a million reasons. Spring 2023 my mom brought over a greenhouse brochure and I fell in love with the model on the front cover. They were running a promotion through June that felt hard to pass up. I can’t tell you the nights I spent obsessing over it all. I wanted to do it SO bad, but the negative thoughts were taking over; “what if my cancer returns?” “what if the business concept is not well received?” “what if we can’t pay it off in X amount of time as planned?” “what if I am too tired to oversee construction.” So many what ifs. Nick and I talked for hours about it. I called my mom daily going through all the pros and cons. Ultimately, I went for it. It boiled down to this, “I want it, I’m going for it.” I am cancer free right now. I can’t live my life always thinking the other shoe is going to drop. I needed a focus. I needed motivation to move forward. So, we went for it!

I am so glad we did. I LOVE the greenhouse. I feel like it really represents hope and resilience for me. It was a time I just leapt in and let go of all my fears and chased after something I truly wanted. I am so thrilled at the response of rentals at The Humble + Pine Greenhouse . We have had so much fun styling the space. We recently decorated for the holidays and seeing that vision come to life was so exciting. It’s been a special and magical addition to the property and I am so grateful.

Here are some delightful moments from the last year. -My 35th birthday - Celebrating my 1 year CancerAnniversary - Adopting our sweet Darby - Pool time with friends - Our family vacation to Hilton Head - And lots of flowers.

I always say that I could argue every season here is my favorite, but dang did Fall show off this year. Maybe it was the black house. Maybe it was the fire red leaves. Either way it was magical here for about three weeks and we truly tried to savor every second.

This moment, watching the kids all run down the hill at Porter’s 6th birthday party to trick or treat on the property, it had me in my feels. Just a moment where I was very conscious of my dreams coming true. We had two miscarriages before Porter was born. I was broken and scared we would never have children of our own. And to watch them run down the hill with their friends all laughing and screaming, truly one of the best feelings I have ever felt in my life. I love all these children, and I love having them over to play and celebrate all of the most important times.

Some really good fall moments. Decorating for Halloween, matching jammies, swimming in October, outdoor movies, our guy turning 6, digging dahlias, and the boys learning to ride their electric bike.

Now that we have two studios on the property, maintaining them is a lot of what I do! Creating the design, and then decorating them for Christmas is truly so much fun for me. I am so grateful for this career pivot that is flexible and allows me to be at home more.

I can honestly say I don’t know the plans for 2024! We have some small projects we want to complete… More landscaping around the pool and house, cosmetic updates to our bedroom (wall paper, wood slatting, paint), I would love to hardwood the steps and get a new railing in our stairwell, always adding to the garden, oh and replacing the carpet that Darby chewed, haha. I’m not sure what all we will get done in the next year, because rest sounds pretty good too. Sitting back and enjoying the fruits of all our hard labor doesn’t sound so bad. But, we don’t sit well so I’m sure we will have some more updates for year 9 :)

I will never forget the feeling I had when we pulled in the driveway here in October 2015. I KNEW. It was truly love at first sight. And the part of that I find so endearing is it was an absolute mess. (Go back to old posts and I will prove that!). I saw so much potential, so much hope. And while some of the hardest days of my life have happened in these walls, the beauty and magic of this place always overrides. Our Humble Hideaway is our home, our sanctuary, its my job, its my passion. It’s where my kids ride quads, where mommy cuts flowers, and where we all safely tuck ourselves into bed each night. I hope I never stop viewing this property and this life as a miracle. This place, and the people that inhabit it, are my entire world. See you next year <3

7 Year Anniversary of Our Humble Hideaway // 2022 Life Update

Infertility blog, turned home renovation blog, turned cancer blog… We really like to keep you guessing over here! Can’t wait to find out whats next ;) This space has always been about keeping it real, so I am doing just that!

Every single year on this day I write a blog post… November 16, 2015 is the year we closed on Our Humble Hideaway. And every single year I profess my love for our home. Every single year and our life experiences shows me other ways that I am in love with this land. This year, my diagnosis brought on more time at home. The pandemic did this too. I feel like with each of these experiences I found new things to love and appreciate about where we live. We’ve been stuck at home for the better part of 3 years, and having a place that is a haven, a place that you truly love, a place you feel safe, it has made all the difference in otherwise unfortunate situations. The way it’s worked out, we’ve done about 1 large renovation or project per year since moving in. If you want to read last years anniversary post, have at it!

Here’s a quick recap of past years renovations:

2015: Close on home & Move in

2016: Remodel Existing Bathrooms, Paint, Replace Fencing, Clean up the Property, Replace interior and exterior doors, tons of small projects

2017: Kitchen Renovation, New Flooring, & our Porter Gene joining the family

2018: Barn/Studio Renovation

2019: Driveway addition and clean up, Master Bedroom Reno, Master Bathroom Addition

2020: Reside Garage to match barn, Nolan Henry joined our family

2021: Remodel Mudroom, Add Front French Doors, Remove Wall To Sunporch/Add Renovate Dining Room, Finished Basement 3/4 Done, Added to the garden

2022: Added a window in the boys bathroom and a large window in our stairwell, Two bathrooms got new cabinets and a re-fresh, Planted a 1 acre wildflower meadow, expanded the cut flower garden, planted new trees and flowering shrubs, started construction on an in-ground swimming pool

My dad has mentioned many times “you really need to stop cutting holes in your house.” But ahhh, natural light is so addicting! There has not been a window or door added that we have ever regretted. Our bedroom + master bath are mostly glass and it is the brightest most uplifting space to be in. We added a 6x6 ft window to our room, in the kitchen we added double french glass doors, in the dining room we knocked down an interior wall that revealed a wall of windows in an area that was once a front porch… basically, I can’t stop. 2022 brought on a new window in the boys bathroom (that did not have one ever) and a 5x6ft window in our stairwell that is gigantic and grand and we just love it. The window is right in front of Porter’s room and when we wakes up he loves to proclaim the weather status. I love that any room of our home has a perfect view of the woods and it often feels like we live in a tree house. Its so peaceful and I love it.

I love to start the blog with last years Christmas photos. Christmas is my favorite time of year and the thing that always happens directly after I write this post. We haven’t decorated yet, we always do before Thanksgiving, so it won’t be long! Here’s some of 2021’s magical holiday season to get you in the mood.

In March of this year we took a family vacation to Florida. The trip was amazing. 0/10 recommend driving. BUT, everything else was honestly perfect. We stayed in St. Pete Beach where my childhood best friend now lives with her family. The weather was incredible. Our airbnb was adorable. And we took the kids to Disney’s Animal Kingdom, a dream of mine! Amazing family memories. We also completely fell in love with the backyard oasis and pool at our Airbnb which prompted us to put in a pool at our house… Stay tuned…

In 2020 I started growing a very small amount of cut flowers after my great friend Valerie bought me an inspiring book. It was no time at all before I fell completely in love with flowers. There are truly so few things that bring me calm, bring stillness, things I get lost in, things I am just completely captivated by — one of those few things is flowers. I’m hooked. I’m sucked in. There’s no turning back now. This year we expanded the garden on a huge level — we added a 1 acre wildflower meadow, grew dahlias for the first time, planted several varieties of flowering perennials, and planted 20+ varieties of cut annual flowers. Overall, it was a huge success! I was a nervous wreck about it all. For the meadow, we tilled and weeded for weeks — and I finally got to a point where I said screw it, lets throw these seeds down. Not only were they expensive, but it was SO much work, I was so anxious they wouldn’t germinate… BUT THEY DID! We had a flourishing meadow by June and I swear I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my life. The dahlias thrived, and most of the annuals did as well. I have plans to grow more of the things that really worked, and less of what didn't this upcoming season, but overall it was incredibly successful and brought me so much joy this year. It felt quite serendipitous that the year I created this beautiful and peaceful garden was the year I was diagnosed with Cancer. I feel this deep connection to it all now. It feels like the flowers saved me. They brought light in a dark time. They bring me hope for the future. I feel a huge pull to the garden and I am going with that feeling. I have never been so thankful I took it all on, the garden was truly one of the best things to happen to me this year.

Sooooooo, we went to FL this year, fell in love with the pool at the Airbnb, literally came home and put a deposit down to have one put in just like it. The first photo here is a rendering of what it will look like. Not exact at all. We are actually hoping to bring in enough dirt that we will no longer need a fence around the pool (we have an auto-cover!). With the layout, you walk out our double doors from the kitchen, onto the deck and it leads to the pool, so it’s technically our front yard. Because our house is set so far back off the road we actually don’t have much of a backyard. This was truly impulsive of Nick and I. We both agreed, it would be so amazing to have this oasis, to have a place to make years of family memories. So, we did it! And, its been a nightmare ever since. I will spare you the details, but we have had every delay possible, every problem imaginable with our contractor. It was supposed to be completed July 4, and here we are middle of November and still waiting. Apparently they are finishing up this week. LOL. I truly stopped believing anything they say. It’s been a nightmare, but we are holding out hope that 2023 is the year of the pool and we doing a family cannon ball on opening day. I can’t wait.

We sold our beloved Stock Tank Pool this Summer and have missed it sooooo much! We went off the promise date from our contractor for our “big pool"' and for sure let go of it too soon. Here’s to holding out hope we will be up and running May 2023 and wont miss it so much!

Here is some Fall 2022 fun. I was in treatment the entire season, and truthfully finding fun wasn’t exactly the easiest thing I have ever done. But it was so important to me that we keep our holiday traditions alive and make it special for the boys, so that we did.

I had my last chemotherapy treatment a week ago. I haven’t fully processed it all. Maybe that’s because I’m still feeling the effects of chemo. Or maybe it’s because this is the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced in my life and it is going to take months/years to “recover.” I realize these photos don’t have a direct link the the anniversary or when we closed on our home…. But during my treatment we have never spent so much time at home, never been so grateful to have this place to call home. Unfortunately my diagnosis has taken over our life, its changed our day to day in more ways than I can count. It has been an important life changing event to round out our 6th year in our home. It has really made us see things differently, appreciate what we have right now, and gain some incredible perspective. My last day of chemo was one of the best days of my life. I felt proud of myself for accomplishing something I was so afraid of, and I felt so much love and support it just overflowed my heart. I am so thankful for all of my friends and family that came to The Spielman center that morning to surprise me, and to every single other person that has helped us on this journey along the way. Hopefully next years post involves a cancer free mama and lots of swimming in our new pool. Thanks for being here, we love you. XO

Thankful for tiny clothes and loads of laundry // My Cancer Journey

Today we got some new Fall clothes for Porter in the mail. I opened them, folded them, spread them all out. Decided they needed washed, went into his room, grabbed a few more things that needed thrown in the wash. I touched all his drawers, opened and closed them, organizing a few of his sweet small things. Gathered them up and walked down the two flights of stairs to start a load of laundry so he can wear some of these new fall clothes with this chill in the air. I plopped the clothes in the wash, turned the dial to cold, poured in the detergent, and hit start. I looked up, staring off, realizing I can’t remember the last time I started a load of laundry.

All of these things, I haven’t done in weeks. Maybe I’ve done chore here and there. I barely ever step foot in the basement, it’s just too far from my bedroom. I came back upstairs, looked outside the big window of our room and felt really grateful and fulfilled doing this simple task. In my pre-cancer days, I would rush through this task, flying from room to room, frantically checking things off my to-do list. My time was so limited, with work, the boys, maintaining our property, rest and relaxation was not much of a thing. And certainly enjoying running my hands across the boys clothes, sitting in their rooms, organizing their things, with just immense gratitude… No, my former life didn’t leave much time for that.

I’m sure a year from now, I’ll be out of treatment, cancer free, energy back, busyness back, and I’ll be buzzing from room to room, feeling frazzled, resenting all the house work, feeling overwhelmed again with work and the house, and taking for granted the simplest of things.

But, maybe I won’t.

Maybe this time will teach me something about life. Maybe I’ll learn that there’s a lot more to life than being productive. Maybe I’ll slow down and sit in Nolan’s room and marvel at his small clothes, that won’t be small much longer. Maybe I will pick up that vacuum with some zest, and excitedly clean the house, something I can’t do right now. Maybe I’ll take out the trash and smile, feel the breeze, and feel grateful for strong legs that allow me to do so.

Maybe all of these little things, that once stressed me out, that felt like something I had to do or accomplish, maybe I will appreciate them. Because once you get to a point in your life where you physically can’t do something, you realize pretty quickly how much you didn’t hate doing it at all. Man, what I would give right now to spin around this house and clean it top to bottom. What I would give to chase my kids down the hill through the meadow in this crisp fall breeze. I would love to be able to cook dinner, give them their baths, watch a show with Nick, drive somewhere, anywhere. It’s all just gotten too hard. The first few weeks I was able to be up, doing things, cleaning, spending time with the boys, etc. But the further I have gotten into treatment, the weaker I have gotten, the more sick I have gotten, that good days and good moments are getting harder to find. My energy is just not there. My legs can barely hold me up, the more I move the more exhausted I feel and I’ve found the last couple weeks that staying in bed is just serving me best right now. Physically.

Mentally, that’s a whole other story. The nausea, dizziness, vertigo, weakness, brain fog, it’s leaving me almost no room to be around the people I love. I am just too depleted right now. Nick and my mom and Nolan and Porter pop up throughout the day to check on me, but mostly I am in my room alone, resting, trying to be patient during the hardest time in my life. It’s hard to think of anything but cancer, my symptoms, how isolated I feel, and how badly I want my old life back. Well, my old life but in a new way.

Chemotherapy, and all the cancer treatments and drugs that go along with that, it’s A LOT. I’m currently on 13 meds. WHAT. I was afraid to take Pepcid before this. You have symptoms of one thing, you take another, side effects to that thing, so you take another, all just to survive. I still don’t have the concoction perfectly figured out. I’ve still let the sickness creep up on me hard and fast where I am in true misery. But I’m getting better. I’m realizing what days are my worst, what drugs I need to get through those days, and not missing a dose. It’s hard friends. I don’t recognize my brain or my body. It’s just been really hard. I’d be lying if I said I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there, right now it’s just dim. Realizing the 2nd half of treatment is going to be much harder than the first has me struggling to press on. But I know I will. I have to. Some days I don’t know where that strength is going to come from, but I find it, every time.

I have 6 more chemo treatments, (a lot more targeted drugs and treatments that will last long after that, but I’ll get into that another time) - So at least 7 more weeks of feeling like an absolute garbage can. Halfway feels good but, whew, the end can’t come soon enough.

But right now, right in this exact moment, I feel okay. Okay enough to pull thoughts together to write this. Okay enough to fold my babies clothes and start a load of laundry. Okay enough to dream of future me, who is thankful for house work and social calendars and moving my body and enjoying food. And I’m gonna take that as a win.

Porter took this photo on his iPad and its one of my favorite things in the world right now.

A photo of two selfless, incredible, amazing photographers who shot a wedding for me last weekend.

I know I have said this, but I will say it again and again…. We have the most amazing people in our life. We have been showered with food, love, support, gifts, flowers, cards, messages…. I cannot get over it. I love you all. I am so so so so thankful for the time and effort each of you have put in to make our days brighter. Our village is showing up in every way possible and it has been so heartwarming and created this safety for our family. Thank you all. We love you endlessly.

My last day of Week 4 & a little Positivity // My Breast Cancer Journey

Full transparency, this has been my worst week yet. Holy nausea. I’m chasing it constantly. The more I eat the better I feel, but it’s so damn hard to eat. I’m still figuring out the recipe to it all, what meds to take, how much and when to eat so I don’t slide down the slippery slope hard and fast. The brain fog came on pretty intense this week as well. My brain is just so tired, truly doesn’t feel right. It’s kind of hard to explain? Foggy, muddy, yucky, weird. This week has been a struggle. Physical discomfort bled into mental and I’ve been a little down. BUT - I’m going to tell you all of the positive things that happened to me this week, and some things I just love about being alive.

I hit the early 2000’s movies hard this week. Kinda comforting, right? It’s like you’ve seen them all before, you almost know all the words, easy to doze off to. Here’s what I watched:

*10 things I hate about you * Life as we know it * The notebook * Catch and release * the lucky one * Mean girls * No strings attached  * A Cinderella story * Save the last dance * That awkward moment * Bride wars * This is 40 *

Gotta love a good ole classic rom com. But - not to ruin a once good thing… these movies are so incredibly inappropriate. So much sexual content, not even the least bit inclusive. I tried to enjoy them for what they are, and I did. But also so glad in 15-20 years we give a crap about these things. 

This is 40 literally cracks me up. Like brings me to tears laughing. If you have kids, and you’re even close to 40, watch it. A bright spot for Nick and I this week. Hilarious.

I got outside for some sunshine today, I was just laying on our driveway, kids napping, and Nick fired up the tractor. (He was doing yard work). That hum of the tractor, breeze blowing, sun shining, mmmm that’s just home. That’s comfort. That’s the sound of the weekend around here and I love it. Brings my heart peace.

This week, like most weeks we got so many cards and gifts and meals. I need you all to understand my gratitude. I wish there were words to perfectly express how my heart feels. I truly cry with every package. Time and time again I just cannot get over peoples kindness and generosity. It’s unreal. It’s so inspiring to me to GIVE BACK when I can. Just this week we got: An amazing package of head scarves and and cozy jackets sent from a beloved instagram friend and mom-preneur. Paige Collective

A bag of literally the cutest OSU gear for my entire family from Where I'm From (a client of mine and also a survivor). Target gift cards and letter toys for the boys. A handmade fall hat and super cute pumpkin for Porter from an instagram friend. HideAndSoakEtsy Mexican food on Thursday with a basket full of goodies for the boys and a box full of cupcakes from a client I love and adore. A $500 check from an organization I have never heard of Pink Ladies of Galion, they raise funds for breast cancer patients in the community (such a shock and surprise). And truly daily cards, gift cards, meals, and sweet messages of inspiration. I can’t get over the support. I can’t get over the kindness of human beings. I can’t get over how many people stop their busy lives to write us a card, give to us, think of us. I just cannot say enough thanks. We love you all more than you’ll ever know. 

We started pulling out the Halloween decor cause I’m a sucker for the holidays. And if you know Porter, you know his deep love for Halloween. He gets so exuberantly excited at every single thing that comes out of the tote. His joy is contagious. It’s so much fun.

It’s not lost on me that the year we expanded the cut flower garden and planted a 1 acre meadow is the same year I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s feels like the timing could not be more perfect. I mean, if you’re going to get this awful disease, might as well do it surrounded by the most beautiful flowers you’ve ever seen, right?! Growing dahlias for the first time this year has been actual therapy for me. I am so thankful that they have thrived. They are all so unique, so beautiful, so mesmerizing. Some so perfectly symmetrical, some larger and more wild. I love these flowers. I am hooked. I am in love. And the wildflower meadow, ahhhhhh. We spent so many days looking at dirt, waiting patiently for the last frost of spring where we could finally get those seeds in the ground. So much tilling, so much weeding, so much manual labor. The seeds were quite the investment for such a large space, I was so nervous they wouldn’t germinate. But, they did. And it’s been so beautiful. I’ve been sitting outside a ton in the evenings, and I LOVE watching the light creep up the meadow as the sun sets. It’s such a gorgeous sight. It is literal therapy for me to be in the flowers, touching them, cutting them, watching them in the light of the sun, arranging them. It’s one of the only things I can do right now where I truly slip away, forget my reality for a moment or two, get lost in it. I am so thankful for a thriving garden this year. It has brought me so much joy and so much peace. I’m dreading the first frost, but thankfully that comes with the beauty that is Fall, so in that case, I’ll take it.

My first chat with a social worker (she helps cancer patients through their survivorship) a couple weeks ago mentioned what physical touch can do for our anxiety. Touching our babies, rocking them, hugging them, holding them. In my chemo class they mentioned how you excrete chemotherapy, and all the things you need to do to keep your family and friends safe. It scared me, I was reluctant to hug and kiss the kids, I was scrubbing toilets like crazy. She was so sweet and genuine and was like “Ashley, you need to kiss your husband, you need to cuddle your kids, your soul needs this.” So my oncologists NP called and assured me that I am not radioactive, and gave me tips on making it safe. I have felt so much better since then. I’m getting my feels on, and it feels so good. When I get in bed at night and my hand or my chest meets any part of Nick’s body I can just feel my anxiety settle. I was feeling icky last night around 8 o clock, I told Nick I was anxious, I curled myself around his arm, had my head snuggled into him, and I was asleep before I realized. Never taking that physical touch from someone you love for granted. Melt into it, it feels so good, so safe.

I attached two photos of a note from a survivor out of a book I was gifted. Every single time I read it steady tears stream down my face. I read it to Nick on our patio one night, it was dark and the kids were in bed, sobbing I could barely get through it, and I looked up at him, his eyes wet, & full of so much hope. I want this to be my story, more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. This story, and survivors that have gone on to live a full life, give me so much hope, they give me strength, they push me through my breakdowns and moments of weakness. I’ve been told a handful of stories like this one this week and every time I can feel my heart light up, like maybe that will be me. There is hope. There is light. It is possible. I can do this.

Our Meal Train

Our Cancer Registry

Sometimes Cancer is Hope & Light, Sometimes it's Mourning & Loss

This was the summer every month that Nick and I would discuss trying for # 3. Each month would come and we would decide “ah, we’re just not ready quite yet.” It was truly a weekly conversation in our marriage. Not a matter of “if” but “when?” Trying to get pregnant with Porter was anything but easy. Multiple miscarriages and so much waiting, it broke me in so many ways. But it was all worth the wait. The last few years have been a little intense for us. Finally getting pregnant with Porter, suffering a traumatic birth, I had to have surgery, Porter had to be seen at childrens for a birth injury. It was hard. But we healed and we had Nolan. And then 2020 came, a hard year for all of us navigating life in a pandemic. Both Nick and I lost our jobs. Months prior we were both at the height of our careers, and suddenly it all crashed down. Honestly, it was scary. It was stressful. And a couple months prior to this is when we learned Porter had special needs. To what extent, we didn’t know. We’re still learning about our sweet boy. When he was evaluated for autism at 3 years old he did not get a diagnosis. The school asked us to do another eval before kindergarten and we are on the waitlist at childrens right now. So in the waiting we decided to get him set up with every service that could benefit him. He’s on an IEP at school where they give him a little extra help. He did OT all summer. Receives speech at school. And has a therapist through licking county board of DD (who we are actually in the process of canceling with because he’s made such amazing strides he truly doesn’t need it anymore!) Needless to say, there was about 4 years straight of stress and worry for one reason or another. So when the conversation of baby number 3 would come up, we’d ultimately always decide we just needed a little more time to bounce back from it all. But this summer I was getting the fever, I was itching for that person to complete our family. Now, I am so glad we didn’t try. If we had conceived, we may not have caught my cancer, it could have spread, treatment while being pregnant, so many very scary things could have happened. But one of the first things I understood when the doctor explained my cancer is that there would be no baby # 3 for us. I was crushed. (Nick and I know it’s possible, but have made the personal decision not to take that risk). We’ve literally spent years with this idea that we were going to try for another baby, that we would have 3 kids, and in an instant, it was taken away from us. I remember in that moment feeling “it’s ok, I just need to stay alive for my babies, it’s fine, I’m fine.” But as days and weeks and now months have passed that pain, that loss has really set in.

My cancer is estrogen driven. I’m on a drug called Zoladex that has thrown me into menopause so my ovaries no longer produce estrogen. This is one very important part of treatment to reduce risk of recurrence. To us, the risk is just too high to have another baby. Pregnancy increases estrogen. Going off this drug alone would be risky. It just can’t happen. And we both came to that conclusion together and agreed 100%. But, it’s really broken my heart. So many days and nights since we got the news, my mind has wandered to never being pregnant again, never feeling your baby inside you again, never experiencing the magic of meeting your child for the first time again, never nursing again, removing that third person from visions of our future dinner table, never going through all the firsts again, never seeing Nolan as a big brother, never never never. It’s shattering.

Yes, cancer has this amazing way of changing your perspective so you can see things differently, your gratitude explodes, you no longer sweat the small stuff, you love harder, you feel deeper, you see the world in a different and more beautiful way. You want to tell everyone in your life how much you love them and the great impact they have had on you.

But, can we acknowledge the loss and the grief? Sometimes, it all just feels like too much. I’m loosing my hair, my breasts, my mental stability, my fertility, my confidence, my ability to picture the future. There is life before cancer, and there is life after cancer. I will never ever be the same. I hope cancer brings out beautiful things in me. I hope I work a little less, slow down more, read more, savor every single moment with my kids and my husband, be more light hearted, I hope I can see every single day as a gift, marvel at good weather, do a cannon ball in the pool, eat too much dessert, grow way too many flowers, love harder and deeper, and find peace in my soul. I truly hope cancer will give me that.

But the reality is, right now cancer has given me a ton of fear and anxiety, some horrible side effects I have to manage every single day, and stripped me of a lot of things I used to identify with. The James has so many resources, and as I was chatting with a sweet woman who works specifically with young women diagnosed with breast cancer and helps them navigate survivorship, she really did put my heart at ease. I told her I’ve always seen the future. I’ve always had this perfect vision for what we would do, where we would go, things we wanted to accomplish and how we wanted to live, and suddenly, since this diagnosis, I can’t see anything. I don’t know what happens from here. I don’t see me on the other side of this. Not because I don’t believe that will happen, I do very much. But I don’t know who she will be. I can’t envision myself after all this. It’s cloudy. What will I do? How will I feel? Will I be able to work as much? What things will make me, me? And she so sweetly said, “how could you know that yet? You won’t know that for a long time. You have to walk this path first, and give yourself time after to rebuild, slowly, brick by brick.” It was like she gave me permission to not need that answer yet. And it felt good. Because since my diagnosis I have been so disoriented. My body and my mind are in fight or flight. The symptoms of treatment have me down mentally and physically. It’s so hard not to care for the kids the way I normally would. It’s so hard to feel like I am letting my family down, making everyone in my life pick up so much slack. I want to be a shining light. I want to project hope and positivity. But let’s be real, I’m living most peoples worst nightmare. And I think acknowledging that grief is such an important step in healing. Can’t we just say “THIS SUCKS.” I’ve lost 15 pounds, I struggle to eat every day, walking up the stairs feels like climbing a mountain, my mouth sores hurt, my tummy hurts, my head hurts and my heart hurts. But I know, it is SUCH a small price to pay to be able to stay here on earth with my family. And so I fight every day. I fight through the symptoms and the tears. Every day I am truly fighting for my life. Fighting to get out of bed, to eat, fighting off anxiety, fighting off fear. It’s a fight because it’s hard. It’s so damn hard. That word actually perfectly describes this process. Friday night things got bad, I got sick, couldn’t eat, I was losing nutrients way too fast. By Saturday morning I was so depleted I could barely walk, I was shaking. We almost went to the ER. It’s the most scared I’ve been. I sobbed in the bath tub looking in Nick’s eyes “it’s so hard to feel this awful all the time.” This is no walk in the park. A fight I never wanted to be in, but was left with no choice. In the beginning I didn’t feel strong enough. I was scared I couldn’t do it. And truthfully, a lot of days I still am. But tomorrow starts treatment 4. I’m doing it. It’s not always pretty but I’m showing up every day fighting. I’ve lost a lot, I have a lot more to lose. A lot to grieve, a lot to mourn. But I also have a lot to win. A lot to gain when this is all over. So much worth fighting for.

I’m still here, showing up every day doing my best. Showing up honestly. Showing up as me. Thank you for letting me do just that. I love you all so much and can’t tell you what your support means 🤍

Ps: A few sweet moments that brought me to tears this week.

•Porters bus driver giving me the most sincere and genuine hug the morning after I shaved my head. Her words and kindness had tears streaming down my face.

•An old friend from high school that is now a firefighter was stopped behind the bus one morning this week, he honked and yelled out the window of the fire truck after we got Porter on the bus “keep fighting Ashley!!” My head fell to my hands and I bawled.

•A meal being dropped off by one of our oldest family friends. She told me how much she loved my shaved head, looked in my eyes and told me that she loved me multiple times before leaving. How often do we look an old friend in the eyes and say “I want you to know how much I love you.” I wept when she left. My heart was so full of gratitude. I have so much love and support.

-Also, we want to get a dog :) Since losing Scout our hearts just weren’t ready. But Nick and I both agree, once I’m through treatment and surgery it’s time for us to raise another puppy. My heart feels excited about that. So hey, I guess I can see something after this 🤍

My Last Day of Week 2 // My Breast Cancer Journey

When the ultrasound tech placed the wand on what we know now as my tumor, the look on her face sent shock waves of anxiety through my body. It wasn’t until she checked my armpit and saw swollen lymph nodes that I lost it. I said to her out loud, “I am not one of these strong women that can do this. I can’t do this. I won’t be able to do this.” Tears streaming down my face. Of course we didn’t know for a few days until my biopsy results came in that it was cancer. But my gut knew. Isn’t it so crazy that just 5 weeks ago I was crying on that table saying “I can’t do this” and here I am, doing it. I’m only two weeks into treatment, I have a long road ahead. But even getting this far, before my official diagnosis I didn’t think I could. Yet every morning, I wake up, I manage my symptoms, I do the tests, I get the blood draws, the CT scans, the MRI’s, the appointments, the hormone suppressants, the hours and hours spent at the hospital, the pre-drugs and the chemotherapy infusions. I’m doing it. We are amazing beings, humans. Our ability to adapt is pretty incredible. I’m not saying getting up every day is easy. I usually cry once a day for one reason or another, I feel like a literal garbage can. I don’t recognize my body at all. There are constant sensations that don’t feel “right” or like me at all. Nothing inside me is operating the way it did before. I have zings of pain, and zings of anxiety that attack all day long. BUT, I’m doing it. I was so terrified for my first chemo, but shockingly the night before I slept all night, didn’t even wake up to pee! I couldn’t believe it. And while I was scared, I was also calm? Calm enough to just get it done. When you look up at the mountain, it can feel truly impossible to climb. But taking the first step, and then the next, and then the next, and suddenly you’re a quarter of the way up with all this new found hope and confidence that hey, maybe you actually CAN do this. Tears flowed down my face today at this realization. I’m surprising myself. There are sure to be so many rough moments ahead, but I can do it. I will do it with the support of my friends and family.

Tomorrow is chemo # 3. The breast center is closed tomorrow for the holiday, but the main hospital squeezed me in for treatment. My type A personality was not gonna add another week onto this whole charade. So I bugged everyone I could and got the clinical trial to approve the main hospital as an infusion site and let my treatments go on as planned. I’m nervous. I keep wondering if that will go away? I’m still anxious as heck every time I walk on an airplane, that has never gone away. Thinking this just might be the energy I take with me to treatments. Nervous, eager, scared, a little worried. But I have had a sense of accomplishment every time we walk to the car after an infusion. I’m looking forward to that feeling tomorrow, one more down.

This week has been harder than the last. All my new found “breasties” have told me the first chemo is a little bit of a lie. That it gets harder as you go. So far, this is true. Hopefully it doesn’t get too much harder, but one day at a time, right?! This week I’ve been exhausted, dealt with hot flashes and nausea waves, terrible tummy aches (thank you Perjeta), mouth sores, neuropathy, skin sores, a super itchy/sore scalp, with a little vertigo sprinkled on top. While that all sucks, I have had moments every day at some point that I don’t feel all that bad. I’m still able to be up with the kids, vacuum, get outside, make myself some food, and sit with family for parts of the day. I feel like this is a huge win.

Oh, and on top of these above things, the boys got sick this week. Porter ended up at Childrens on Monday with hives and labored breathing. They both had fevers, coughs, and were up most nights. Having sick kids is so sad, its so hard. Never did I ever think I would be going through this already stretching stage of life on chemotherapy. A reminder, I can do hard things.

I believe this is the week I am going to lose my hair. I’ve been told day 14-17 on the money, it just falls out in clumps. I feel a little uneasy about this. Everyday I ask myself if this is the day I’m gonna shave it, and the day passes and I don’t do it. I’ve made the decision I do want to shave it, it’s just a matter of when. I feel like this is one of the massive steps where I won’t look like me anymore. I haven’t felt like me for weeks. But when I look in the mirror I won’t recognize myself. I’m nervous for that. This entire process is so disorienting. It’s so shocking. It’s traumatic. It’s all so fast. It’s still so crazy to me that one moment you are living your very normal day to day life bitching about your pool contractor and momming and working, and suddenly you are a cancer patient and NOTHING feels the same. What you do every day is different. How you feel mentally and physically is so different. Hair isn’t everything. I know this. But it’s just another thing I have to lose through this process, and it’s hard. Im dreading it honestly. But Madewell had some really cute scarves on sale this weekend and I’m hoping I can tie them up cute and find a little piece of me somewhere down in there.

On my last day of week 2 I have felt every emotion possible (much like every single day), but right now I am (literally right this moment) taking very big deep breaths, repeating positive affirmations, and feeling grateful for another day that I have the opportunity to take this life saving drug.

Love you all.

The Fight Begins Tomorrow // My Cancer Journey

About 5 weeks ago my mom called me to tell me the devastating news that my Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. My heart sank hearing the words, a pit in my stomach formed. No one ever wants to receive this news. I was heartbroken for her. Directly after that phone call I hopped in the shower and something compelled me to do a self breast exam. Can’t say I do them often, it had been months. I’ve had ultrasounds in the past finding dense tissue and benign cysts… I feel like I’ve always been told “you’re just going to freak yourself out, 90% of the time its nothing, stop stressing.” So I had kind of given up on the whole self breast exam thing… But this day, something just told me to do it. Immediately, I felt the lump. It was quite large, was not round like a cyst, and I had this overwhelming feeling of, I just knew. I got out of the shower and yelled to Nick. I told him my fears and that I needed to get in right away. It took a week to get into my OB. That entire week I swear I touched, massaged, and obsessed over that lump multiple times a day. My OB agreed, we needed a closer look. The mammogram tech was silent, and escorted me out to the waiting room for an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was straight forward, she assumed it would need biopsied. I started crying immediately. I was alone, I didn’t bring Nick because hey 90% of these things are benign, how would I be the one that gets a breast cancer diagnosis in her 30’s. It seemed impossible. When she ran the ultrasound wand over my armpit to find enlarged lymph nodes, that’s the moment I broke down. I called Nick, so much anxiety it was hard to get the words out. “It’s not good, they want a biopsy, my lymph nodes are enlarged too.”

Fast forward to an appointment with a breast surgeon, and then a biopsy on July 27th (the day before my 34th birthday), and then getting the call on July 29th. I had just sat down in my room to start some work and the phone rang. This was only 3 weeks ago, I’ve replayed it in my head a thousand times, and it takes the air from my lungs each time. “It is cancer Ashley, yes it’s invasive, you will need chemo.” I had already yelled down to Nick, we both stood there in our bedroom frozen in shock. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Stage 2, Grade 3, Her2+. Since that day I have been riding the most intense roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes the fear and grief completely take me under. A lot of days feel like a tsunami just crashed into our life. If I’m completely honest, my moments of strength are few and far between right now. Mentally, this is weighing heavy on me. How this will affect my family and friends, my husband, my parents, my babies… It all feels like too much.

I’ve had a rough weekend. On Thursday I was given a zoladex injection to shut down my ovaries. This will be part of my long term treatment plan to suppress estrogen in my body. (The cancer is Estrogen driven, less estrogen = less cancer). Well, I’ve suffered from hormonal migraines since I was 12, and this abrupt hormonal change in my body threw me into the worst migraine I have ever had. I can confidently say in 22+ years I have never had nausea and head pain quite that bad. And of course this hit on the day they lined up all of my ‘pre chemo tests.’ The hospital was able to push my first appointment back, and somehow I dragged myself there for an EKG + CT scans all while wearing an eye mask and being mostly mentally and physically checked out. But, I did it.

My oncologist suggested that I get another covid booster before treatment so I scheduled that for Saturday morning. Let’s just say my body was fighting that vaccine HARD. I had a 101-102 fever and chilled in my bed from 7pm all through the night until the next day at 2pm when it finally lifted. The body aches were awful, I genuinely felt so bad. From 6am Friday to 2pm Sunday I pretty much didn’t leave my bed. In a way, I think this weekend somehow prepared me for tomorrow…. my first chemo. I felt truly awful for 3 days straight, and now I am out of it. That was hard, but I did it, I can do this.

I heard something recently that really resonated with me… “Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared. Being brave means you are scared and you do it anyways.” This is me. I’m scared, I’m worried, but I am going to do what I need to do.

Tomorrow is the big day. It’s the day when we start the fight. It’s going to be a fight. I know it’s going to hurt physically, emotionally, mentally. I am going to have to dig so deep to get through this time. My big hope right now is that after my first couple treatments I realize I can in fact do it, and the anxiety starts to subside and I can focus on managing side effects and healing (not doing all of those things + worrying about doing them 100% of the time). This is week one of 12 before I can be done with chemo and head to surgery and being cancer free. We have to start so we can finish, and when you put it like that, I’m ready.

Love you all so much. Thank you for the constant support. I hope we can update everyone this week on how it all went.

XO

The Power of Community // My Cancer Journey

I want to write a post for all my friends and family regarding my diagnosis, how we found the cancer, and my treatment plan. But this post today is not that.

When I was diagnosed two of my closest friends reached out right away asking if they could make our family a GoFundMe. I can’t quite put my finger on exactly why that didn’t feel right. It just didn’t. But, as a group we started brain storming about ways that people who wanted to help could support our family. We all went back and forth on marco polo and ultimately came up with a Cancer Family Wish List . This site allowed us to create a registry of items that we want/need to get through this hard time. It includes things from surgery recovery items, nutritional needs, gift cards for dinners, exciting new toys for the boys that we can pull out on hard days, comfort items, and so much more. So many amazing people reached out once I was open about my diagnosis asking if there was anything they could do for us…. I was reluctant to share the site, I never wanted any person to feel in any way that they had to contribute. When I shared the site, the outpouring of love and support was unbelievable. People I have met from every walk of life showed up to support us. High school friends, clients, my best friends “neighborhood girls,” fellow photographers, people I have never met. I underestimated how this support would make me feel. People mailed cards, flowers, gifts, books, and every single one made me smile and cry and just explode with gratitude. These acts of generosity and kindness have meant so much to my family. It’s honestly hard to put into words. I am just beyond thankful. I am humbled. I feel changed for the better.

I’ve had this overwhelming feeling that keeps popping up, how doing just a little bit can make the biggest difference in someone’s life. This community I have has shown up. They’ve shown up in emotional support, in humor, in gifts, in motivation, in meals. I am just floored. When we contribute what we can, even if it’s the smallest amount (or may feel small to us) when we all come together it becomes this gigantic amazing thing. Hundreds of people each doing a small thing is SO HUGE. I’ve never been so overcome with the power of community. The impact we can all make as a group is enormous. I promise to pay this all forward when I am able.

I have met so many amazing people in my life. My job has brought me so close to so many families. The photography community has been so amazing to me over the years. My old high school friends, my closest family friends. All of these people in my life have made such a point to reach out and offer their love over the last week and it has made all the difference in my mood and strength since hearing this news. As someone on the receiving end of this kind of support, I am here to tell you it means the world. Every message, every card, every word, it is so so so so appreciated and life changing.

I truly feel like words are falling short to express my gratitude. I have plans to thank each of you personally, I promise! I am working through my list day by day. If I haven’t gotten to you yet, please know that what you have done for us has brought us so much comfort and joy and that we are just thankful beyond words. My heart is forever changed.

Yesterday Nick and I spent 12 hours @ The James Cancer Hospital. I’m not ready to go into full detail about this visit just yet. (It was so long and overwhelming!) But what I will say is that I am confident that I am in great hands, there is a treatment plan in place, and we are ready to go. I have my first chemo date set. I need a few tests before that day comes, and then it’s time for me to rally all the strength I have to fight this disease. I know so many of you are thinking of us, praying for us, sending loving and positive vibes to our family…. Thank you so much. We will try to update you as often as we find the energy and courage to. Until then, thank you so much for taking the time out of your life to support my family in the many ways that you all have. Every single thing is noticed and making all the difference in our lives. We love you.

6 Year Anniversary of Our Humble Hideaway // Update 2021

Here is us, in all our Christmas glory from last December. Today, (November 16, 2021) we are slowly but surely decking the halls. Slowly because every single strand of lights went out and every suction cup won’t stick and we are living out a true Griswold family Christmas. And to top it off we were at the ER last week when Nick stepped off the mower wrong and tore something in his ankle. SPECIAL times in the West household haha. But we will have cheer this year, broken lights, broken ankle, we are determined. ITS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.

I wanted to share some Christmas photos from us at home last year because it is our absolute favorite time of the year and these images needed a permanent spot on this blog.

If you’re new here, I write this post every single year on this day. November 16th, 2015 is the day we closed on this home. It was broken, brown, and to put it nicely, a complete mess, but we saw HOPE. I really love looking back every year at the precious moments that have happened in our family, the memories made here, and how we just keep on making this little place our own.

2021, this year for our family has been much more refreshing than the last. While we are still navigating life in a pandemic, the vaccine brought on a little normalcy and our careers are back on track, we are healthy, life is good-ish.*

I still look back and feel proud and amazed at all we have accomplished in the last 6 years. It’s nostalgic to look back. It feels good to relive hard work and know that we’re enjoying that labor now. It feels like Nick and I have lived a lifetime since closing on Our Humble Hideaway. We’ve grown our careers, we’ve grown our family. There have been times (mostly in the early years) where I wanted to give up. It all just felt like too much. But month by month, year by year we have chipped away and taken something broken down and neglected and turned it into our dream. One thing I absolutely love about living here is how the options are endless. We can grow a gigantic garden, build an addition, build a studio, plant trees and flowers, renovate and decorate… my creativity and passion flows here. I love planning future endeavors and setting goals for the next year. I love adding to the landscape every year. I love making little improvements that have big daily impact. My gratitude for this land is overflowing.

So, what did we accomplish on our home this year!? (You should look back at past posts to see where we started!)

Here’s a quick recap of past years renovations:

2015: Close on home & Move in

2016: Remodel Existing Bathrooms, Paint, Replace Fencing, Clean up the Property, Replace interior and exterior doors, tons of small projects

2017: Kitchen Renovation, New Flooring, & our Porter Gene joining the family

2018: Barn/Studio Renovation

2019: Driveway addition and clean up, Master Bedroom Reno, Master Bathroom Addition

2020: Reside Garage to match barn, Nolan Henry joined our family

2021: Remodel Mudroom, Add Front French Doors, Remove Wall To Sunporch/Add Renovate Dining Room, Finished Basement 3/4 Done, Added to the garden

2022 Goals: Wildflower Field, Grow Dahlias, Grow Flowers For A Cut Garden, Add stairwell Window upstairs, and whatever else I come up with that I can’t live without ;)

Below is our dining room renovation this year! I started with the before photos. When we bought the house it had a very random sunporch that we never used. It was dark and cold and truly made no sense. It also made it hard to get out front, lots of doors and twists and turns. Our kitchen is quite small and we never had space to entertain inside… So we got the idea to knock down that wall and make the sunporch a dining room. We removed the bay window in the kitchen area and added french doors. When I tell you this is one of my favorite projects we have done yet, I MEAN IT. We LOVE this space. We can all sit as a family. The space is large and bright and so so so useful. And the french doors off the kitchen, omg! We LOVE leaving them open when the weather is nice. The access to the deck is perfect. It should have always been this way. We are truly so grateful to have been able to do this project. We still once a week say “don’t you just love this space” and it was done 7 months ago.

BEFORE

AFTER

And of course once you start one thing it leads to another… We call that PROJECT CREEP. It just keeps on creeping into the next space. We decided to also redo our mudroom to match that is off the back of the house. Forgive me for the before photos, that’s what it looked like when we bought the house. Terrible quality, but you get the gist!

BEFORE

AFTER

I am so glad we did this little extra! It ties all the spaces together. And what was once a dark pass through that I kinda dreaded being in, is now a fresh space that we can put on our shoes and store all the “things.”

The other main project we did this year was finishing our basement. We finished it about 65% maybe!? The most important was creating a work from home space for Nick since his new job is completely remote. I love this little desk area. Its cute and fresh and private from our monsters which is most important.

For my birthday in 2019 I was given a Cut Flower Garden book from my good friend Valerie. I was immediately inspired. I read the entire book front to back and was ready to get in the dirt. When the pandemic began we were at home so much I started to grow a few flowers. This year I was able to grow more. And next year we have plans for even MORE. There are VERY few things in the world that slow me down, that bring me calm, that bring me peace. When I am planting, cutting, caring for, and arranging flowers I feel all of those things. I would find myself watching the wind just blow them, staring at the uniqueness of each petal. I got so passionate about it. As a mom, you know how impossible it is to carve out ‘you’ time. So I have BIG dreams but smaller expectations. We are taking it one season at a time, learning as we go, and creating as much beauty and peace as we have time for. I would never ever be able to do this without the help of my mom, who is always the first to grab a shovel and offer a hand. We were able to plant large zinnia rows that brought me so much joy. My mom and I also planted 5 hydrangea bushes, 4 lilacs, 3 rhododendron, 4 peony, 4 rose, and so many other perennials. They will take a few years to mature, but I am SO excited. Along with our 20 pine trees we also got a weeping willow in the ground. I am so excited to see it grow over the years. Next year I am going to take a stab at growing Dahlias. But our biggest gardening project yet is turning 15,000 square feet into a wildflower meadow. We had to correct a water problem this year and while they were here excavating I asked them to tear up a rectangle of the yard. If all goes well next summer this yard is going to paradise. I truly cannot wait. Here are some flower photos from this past summer!

2021 also allowed us to turn my studio into a photography space full time! This was an exciting change as our hearts were pushing us to get out of hosting events and really cherish more family time on the weekends. Having this space for my business, and to rent out to other photographers has been incredible.

We also did lots of mowing (Nolan LOVES taking rides), stock tank pool fun, stained our deck, and enjoyed late summer nights.

This year we lost our sweet baby Scout. Scout joined our family in 2013. I volunteered at a shelter photographing dogs just out of college and inevitably I left with one :) She is so so so incredibly missed in our home. We had 8 good years with her, but unfortunately she got a rare cancer that made her quite ill. She got sick in 2020, but according to the vet made a miraculous recovery where we got an extra year with her. It felt like a bonus and we really cherished that time. We wanted to honor her and never forget the love and laughter she brought our family. We deiced to plant a ‘dogwood’ tree as a tribute to her. We spread her ashes in the dirt, and planted it with a plaque so we could see her sweet face every time we walk down the hill. We love and miss her every single day.

This year brought us the joy of taking our first family vacation as a family of 4! If I’m being honest, we were worried haha. But the trip truly went amazing. The boys had a blast, the weather was perfect, the drive could have totally been worse. It gave us more confidence to do more trips like this in the future. It was lovely and I hope we can do more vacations like this.

I’m not sure I could choose a favorite season here if you asked. I have this vivid memory in my mind… We viewed the house October 15, 2015… The leaves were so beautifully changed. We pulled onto the gravel drive, I hadn’t even seen the house up the hill, and I said “this is it.” So maybe its Fall!? But I also love this place covered in snow. And I also LOVE this place covered in flowers. I could argue it all. It’s November right now and we just came off of such a fun Halloween with the kids. I love the opportunity this property provides for outdoor parties, bonfires, hay rides, and sweet autumn memories. We had such a great Fall.

I had this thought about traditions the other day. What a tradition is, what it means to us, what it takes to continue it. I LOVE traditions. I love special things that you get to look forward to every year. Nostalgic feelings and memories. Seeing how things have changed over the years, and how some things have stayed the same. But keeping traditions is hard. It takes so much effort. You have to be willing to put that tradition before your laundry, before your to do list, before your job, before a full nights sleep. I am so passionate about traditions and keeping them alive. The tradition of writing this post for example. I am chest deep in editing and an extremely busy Fall, but writing this post every year is so important to me, so I made time for it. I put it above all else. That’s how I see the important things, like decorating for the holidays, making magic for the kids, gathering our friends together in October 9 years in a row to take our beloved truck photo. I really sat and thought about the word tradition this week and it just stayed with me. How important it is to me and my character. How if you want something to happen, you have to make it happen. You can find the time to prioritize the most important things to you. And the tradition of renovating this house, of hosting our friends and family here, of having birthday parties and bon fires under the string lights, and even the simplest of things like our nightly family routine. This home has really brought out the best in our family. Its brought out exactly who we want to be, who we were supposed to be. A place we can be creative, a place to work hard, a place that makes us beam with pride, and a safe place to put our babies to bed every night. This year and every year we are so unbelievably grateful for Our Humble Hideaway. What it does for us as a family of four, how it encourages this revolving door of friends, it’s been such a beautiful 6 years. We love your forever Our Humble Hideaway. See you here next year!

5 Year Anniversary of Our Humble Hideaway // Life update 2020

Here we are! 5 years later. Some days I didn’t know if we’d make it a year here, haha. Five years has gone by in a literal blink. If you’re new here, I write this post every year. I blog our progress on the home, updates we’ve made that year, and all the heart and soul that goes into it.

2020 is different. And while I want to share one big update we did, and I will talk all about that, 2020 has just been different. In total honesty, its been hard. Its been hard for the world, its been hard for our nation, its been really hard for our household.

Nick lost his job this year. We had a new baby. Truthfully, the anxiety in our home was at an ultimate high. At one point, we were both on unemployment. What was once an incredibly stable home, in what felt like overnight, flipped completely on its head. I’m a worrier in my nature, I didn’t cope well. The fear of our future in our home, and in our world really started to break me. It was a rollercoaster, some days good, some days just fine, and some days downright devastating. Nick used his time wisely and in the height of the pandemic chose to go back to school and get his real estate license. It’s always something we’ve thought of doing, just never really had the opportunity presented itself so much. I am so glad he did this. I think it will really serve us well in our long term goals. As time went on, and weddings were canceling constantly, we quickly realized that two self employed parents in these times just wasnt going to work. We craved that schedule and guarantee/stability that a job in the corporate world can provide, and had for us for so many years. I am so proud to say that after 6+ interviews and countless hours of preparation Nick accepted a consulting & sales position at Paychex. He worked SO hard to get here, and his incredible accomplishments in the past made him the obvious candidate. It’s not easy to get a new (and good!) job in the middle of a pandemic. I am very proud.

So much relief has come for us in the last month. My work picked back up tremendously, and while I’m not out of the woods with wedding postponements and cancelations, I’ve made great strides in returning to a full work load to support our family. And now with Nick’s new job we can breathe again. I am so grateful. I AM SO GRATEFUL. Is it not so crazy that one year you are living your life basically “perfectly” and then so many elements out of your control literally flip your world/confidence/stability upside down. I’ve never been more thankful for simple things. Simple joys. Basic needs. I’ve never EVER been more thankful for a warm, safe, beautiful place to call home. I have never been more thankful for Our Humble Hideaway.

Home is always where my heart is. It always has been. But this year, home is where everything is. When you are living in a pandemic, home is almost all you have. When going out isn’t safe, when staying home saves lives, home is literally EVERYTHING. I love our home. I love our home because its ours. I love our home because its been with us through the best of times and through the worst. I love our home because its proof of a dream come true. I love our home because it provides an income for us. I love our home because it reminds me to live simply, to go outside, to garden, to chase Porter, to play, be out for hours as the sun drops in the sky and falls behind the horizon. I love our home because its walls and a roof, where we are lucky enough to eat good and healthy food and feel safe every day.

At the start of the year we committed to our garage renovation project, and while the timing felt wrong, it was again a nice distraction and something that had been on our list to accomplish the last 5 years! We still have to add our barn light, and a couple style items, like planters and decor, but the main project is done! You know I have big dreams to make it look less like a garage andddddd maybe a chicken coop off the side if I can convince Nick!

Here is a before photo of the garage that I pulled off of the original listing. Big and brown haha. It was such an eyesore! But it is such a useful storage place. For our cars, motorcycles, vintage truck, mowers, tractors, equipment, and of course all of the kids outdoor toys. We have big plans to update the siding on our home (eventually!) but we’re really trying to think that one through. We have talked about adding an addition, installing a new deck, and we don’t want to do the siding until we figure all of that out! That is likely NOT a 2021 goal haha. Our home reno goals are slightly halted due to a hard 2020. And thankfully, so much here is done! Our list gets smaller and smaller every year! Our big project this year was the garage!

We have started working on the basement renovation. We actually just discussed possibly having a contractor come in soon to finish what we started since Nick’s new job is 90% virtual he needs a fresh and organized space to work. We basically just need some electric, paint, and flooring and we’re done. So I’m sure that will be on next years blog post!

We enclosed the center opening and attached the two garages. We now have more indoor space to store the tractor and our new stock tank pool for the winter :)

I want to add cedar planters and growing vines up the building to break up that white space. Hoping that can be a Spring or Summer project!

I have a wreath door hanger on its way from Target right now haha.

I wanted to share some photos of us from this past year. While it has felt like the hardest year of our lives for sure, there have been so many moments of joy. Welcoming Nolan Henry in January! And all of his milestones following. Porter started preschool and turned 3 this year. He is growing into the literal funniest, coolest, most spirited and full of wonder child I have ever met. When we felt so fragile and uncertain, we have always had two things, each other and Our Humble Hideaway. And to us, its really all we need.

Welcome Nolan Henry, January 7 2020.

Nolan 3 months.

I turned 32 this year. We planted a Zinnia garden that brought so much joy. I literally LOVED planting, watering, cutting, and enjoying these flowers all Summer.

Nolans first apple picking. Lynd Fruit Farm September 2020

Lots of picking things haha.

Porter’s new animal room. No more crib. He did amazing. Saying he loves his room is a HUGE understatement!

Happy 3rd Birthday Porter Gene!

Halloween 2020, an Elephant and a Lion.

Cousins in matching PJ’s always a highlight of my year!

This year was truly nothing we expected. I think pretty much everyone feels that way. But, our household is doing our best to get back to this new normal. I’ve always wanted this blog to be a place that you could go and get happiness and joy, home inspo and see our family life, but it’s also been so important to me to be authentic to who we are. Whether that is struggling with infertility (how this blog came about) or navigating our way through unemployment and a pandemic. This is us.

Thank you so much for all of the love and support over the years. Community has carried us through so much. It really has inspired me to pay it forward and be the best person and mother I can be. So thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I usually reminisce on all of the renovations that we’ve done in the last 5 years, and this year I didn't. So, you should click back at past posts to see our Kitchen, Studio, Bathroom, and whole property renovation. I make this post every year!

There really is no place like home for the holidays, and this year — stands true. From Our Humble Hideaway to yours, Happy Holidays!

//Stock Tank Pool {how to} // Our Quarantine Friendly Swimming Pool//

Every single year we buy one, to two or three blow up/plastic swimming pools. Last year three popped. I felt TERRIBLE about putting those in a landfill. And they always got disgusting so fast. If you don’t have an in-ground swimming pool summertime swimming pools can become a bummer pretty quick.

One early morning I was feeding Nolan scrolling instagram and came across these #stocktankpools. I had seen them before but truly not given them much thought. This morning I decided to. Before 6am I had already sent Nick 7 different pools and links to everything we needed ;) I was worried it was going to take much convincing, but to my surprise he was onboard right away! With most pools being closed, and COVID-19 still a very real threat, we thought what better time for this at home pool to keep us busy all summer.

I want to dive in and tell you what all we did!!

So this is NOT going to be a step by step blog. However I am hoping I can give you enough information to get you started!

We purchased our 8ft tank from Tractor Supply Co. This one!

I have since heard that people are having trouble finding them. I hope you are able to!

We bought our filter pump on Amazon. This Intex Pump found in the “home decor” section of my amazon list!

Everything else we got from @shoptheswimclub on Instagram! She has put together bundles of “everything you need but the tank and the pump!” Honestly, getting all the extras as the “bundles” shown below was amazing. We didn’t have to chase around each of these items on the internet. We literally bought the tank (we did haul it home on our trailer!) and ordered the pump on Amazon, ordered her Installation Bundle and Maintenance Bundle and had everything we needed! We also have pool shock and chlorine water testing strips to make sure we are keeping the pool fresh and clean.

We have done MANY DIY projects over the years. You really never know how they are going to go. Typically it involves 75 trips to Lowes and double the time you anticipated. I have to say guys, this went SO EASY. Now, if you’ve never picked up a drill or caulk gun in your life it may be a little trickier. But this project went so simply for us. We were slightly shocked! And wondered why we hadn’t done it sooner.

First we drilled the holes in the tank. I was nervous because this is really a one time shot. Thankfully all went well, the hole saw was the perfect size for the filter pump hoses, we were good to go.

We then read the instructions that came with the pump. We had to use the plunger valves that came in our bundles as well. This step was very simple as well.

Next you need to seal around the intake/blower so you don’t have any leaks. We applied one really good coat of silicone and smoothed it. Waited 3 hours and did a second coat. Then we waited 24 hours for it to dry completely before we filled the tank with water. We had zero leaks, hooray!

So, the first weekend we had the pool, I have to say it was not really so great for just dipping your feet in. The kids hopped inside and had a blast, but if the adults just wanted to sit on the edge it just wasn’t comfortable. We sat on stools the first weekend but I knew we needed a deck! So I put Porter, Nick & my dad to work and they built this deck that 1 hides the pump and 2 is the PERFECT ledge for 3+ adults to sit on with their feet dipped and a cocktail in hand. Best part we had all of this wood in our garage and pulled this deck together in a couple of hours! It made all the difference in our comfort level. We are still hoping to add steps to the one side so the kids and walk up and jump in on their own.

Before we dove into this project we did do a lot of research. We read several blogs, watched youtube videos, searched google and Instagram. I saw some ADORABLE painted tanks, fell in love. But then I read many reviews on paint chipping and clogging the filter, scratches, trouble covering, etc, we decided to keep it natural. I want it cute, absolutely, but I also want it to function with as little maintenance as possible! There are some tutorials out there on how to paint them but truthfully we never found someone we felt really did it right with no snags so we decided to play it safe!

I’ve gotten so many questions of: “So did you actually do a pump? Is the water chlorinated?”

The answer is YES. These tanks and 700+ gallons. Not only does it take forever to fill up, forever to drain, it would get disgusting and be full of bacteria if you didn’t keep the water moving and clean. We’ve only shocked the pool twice so far, we use the test strips every time before we swim to make sure the water is clean and safe!

We do skim it a few times each time we use it to keep out grass, leaves, and the inevitable dirt that toddler feet drag in. Overall it has been really easy to maintain!

We’ve had the pool almost 4 weeks now and it has kept us so busy. Porter is having a blast. And so is our dog Jude haha. If you’re stuck at home with kids all Summer having something fun to do is such a weight-lift. It has been an absolute blast for us so far. I would totally say it has been worth it!

I have loaded videos to my story highlights on my Instagram with a little more info if you’d like to see a little more of the process! I hope this answered a lot of the questions you have all been asking!! If you decide to get one be sure to tag me I would love to see them!!

Happy Summer!

4 Year Anniversary of Our Humble Hideaway // Another year of our life in the country

We closed on Our Humble Hideaway 4 years ago today! I’ve written this post every year. It started out on my photo blog, and moved here once I realized I wanted something more in the documentation of our life. November 16, 2015 — a HUGE day in our lives. The day I convinced my 25 year old husband that we could do this. That we could take on a TRUE fixer upper, and live this dream of the simple life in the country. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy reading these posts from years past, and writing them for the current year. When you embark on something this big, something that really defines your life and how you spend your days, something that completely changes everything, you want to look back and reminisce. Look back with nostalgia, look back with pride, look back at everything you have accomplished. It’s so amazing to see, and honestly on the hard days when I want to throw in the towel because sometimes managing it all can be too much, it reminds me where we were, where we are, and where we will be if we keep working hard.

One of the biggest additions to Our Humble Hideaway this year is Baby Boy #2 on the way! Saying that can still feel surreal, especially considering the birth of this blog came from a very broken down me that was struggling with miscarriage and infertility and desperately needing an outlet. Not only has our home and our property changed for the better, our entire lives have. Our Humble Hideaway means so many things to me. It means hope, it means hard work, it means chasing your dreams, it means family, it means gathering and it means home. It is proof that hope and patience go such a long way. We are so grateful for this 2nd little miracle that will be joining us in January 2020.

Oh, and I finally got a vegetable garden! We built these raised beds and I was SO excited to finally grow some of our own dinner this year!

Every year I love to walk down memory lane and see alll of the changes around here.

Here’s a quick recap:

2015: Close on home & Move in

2016: Remodel Existing Bathrooms, Paint, Replace Fencing, Clean up the Property, Replace interior and exterior doors, tons of small projects

2017: Kitchen Renovation, New Flooring, & our Porter Gene joining the family

2018: Barn/Studio Renovation

2019: Driveway addition and clean up, Master Bedroom Reno, Master Bathroom Addition

2020: (Goals!) Reside Garage to match barn, Finish Basement, More property clean up, Baby Boy #2 joining the family

Last year was the year of the barn. If you scroll up a little in the background you will see the brown wooden barn (I didn’t get a ton of before shots!) but that is how it looked when we purchased the property. We viewed this house in mid October of 2015, we saw the changing trees, barn space for my studio, oversized 4 car garage… we literally didn’t even need to see the house, we were sold. We saw the potential and it checked all the boxes (minus the fact that it was a complete mess!) The Barn/Studio project has definitely been one of the most exciting things we’ve done here. I have been a wedding and portrait photographer for 10 years now and never had a “space” to work besides a small home office. As my client base and experience grew I really started to want something more. When I saw that barn, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it, it just took us three years to get around to it!

Check out more before photos (scroll down).

We’ve now had this space just over a year and it has been an incredible addition to my business. Not only do I shoot in the space, I also hold client meetings, bridal consultations, offer photographer rental, and 2019 we have gotten our feet wet with hosting small events (including Porter’s first and second birthday parties, we’ve definitely had fun with it too!) I am absolutely loving decorating it for the different seasons. It has been a really fun creative outlet for me as well. Last December we hosted a wreath making event and had 50 ladies come and spread some Christmas cheer! I think this was one of the most exciting things I’ve done in the building because it showed me the options are endless. I am so excited at all of the people who will walk through these doors in the future to celebrate all seasons of life. It has truly been so much fun.

The trend has been that every year we tackle one big thing (and a million little small things too!) 2019 was the year of the Master Bathroom. When we bought the house our room was in pretty bad shape. Just super neglected, someone had seriously damaged the walls from a bad paint job, there was a weird sliding glass door the led to what is now our bathroom. You could just tell there was no thought at all put into the space. Very neglected. When we did the kitchen renovation in 2017 we thought ahead and pre-plumbed the walls so we wouldn’t have to tear out new drywall when we were ready to tackle the master bath. Shortly after we moved in we removed that glass door and added a cased opening and painted the whole space. It worked for us to get by! We used it for more clothing storage and its where I got ready. Once Porter started bathing in our hall bath I REALLY started wanted my own space and so we got on the horn and started the bathroom addition!

If you go a few posts back you will see I blogged all about our Master Bathroom renovation! I won’t be too redundant here. Basically, its amazing! The space has been done since this past Summer and I just love it. The design came together beautifully and its such a more functional use of the space. Its also huge, Porter loves playing while I get ready in the mornings so that a bonus haha. In addition to the bathroom we also completely re-drywalled our room, hung sliding barn doors to close off the bathroom, got new closet doors, all new furniture, and my absolute favorite part, a 6tf x 6ft picture window. IT IS INCREDIBLE. We almost didn’t add the window because we were nearing the end of the project and of course costs were adding up and we just wanted to be done, but I am SO glad we did it. It is literally my favorite part of the entire renovation. It provides such a beautiful view to the property, we watch deer and turkeys and birds and squirrels. Gorgeous in all seasons, it has been so fulfilling! We also added a new bathroom window as well. The natural light is just amazing, such a bright and inviting space to start your day in!

I haven’t properly photographed our new bedroom, mainly because its only about 90% finished. We have hung nothing on the walls, we need a rug, some plants. It needs a few things! So I will share that next year :) But now with baby #2 coming it will be full of diapers and wipes and a bassinet and all the necessities. But the room did a complete 180, it is so calming and clean and simple and modern now and we love it.

And because there’s nothing quite like some good old fashioned before and afters, here is the kitchen that we completed in 2017!

And here is 2016’s hall bath renovation!

This photo of Nick and I (below) is the first image I ever loaded onto this site. My amazing friend (Rouxby Photo) came out and did a fun little snow shoot just six months after we moved in. Just about nothing had been accomplished at this point. I was actually pregnant for the first time in this photo. We hadn’t had our ultrasound yet, and had no idea we were going to lose that baby. I used to look back on these photos and feel pain. And truthfully, sometimes it still stings. But time is an amazing healing power and I can appreciate these images and time in our life more now. We were so young. We had SO much life to live after that. We lost two babies and went through an incredibly hard 18 months of infertility. We learned how to care for this property. We learned how to renovate a kitchen. We learned that without my parents, we could have done none of it. I love the people in that photo. We were a little naïve, we were excited, we were totally in over our heads and didn’t even know it. We were just thrilled all our dreams were coming true. Even if the next 4 years meant A LOT of hard work and hard times, but we didn’t know that yet. It also involved a ton of AMAZING and beautiful times. It’s truly been such a crazy ride.

I’ve wanted to live in the country for as long as I can remember. College days downtown were fun, but this dream of living the simple life really burned inside of me. I’ve learned a ton about “the simple life” and I’m here to tell you that its hardly “simple” or “easy” at all. I now know what that phrase really means. It’s simple in the sense that it requires good and honest hard work. It’s simple because our days most of the time revolve around our home and property. It’s a simple way of living because we cut grass, we work outside, we work with our hands, and we do a lot of front porch sittin. Before I lived “the simple life” I had a much different perspective on what it would actually entail. No part of this life is “easy.” It’s actually really hard work. It is simple because it is quiet, it is private, it is away from the hustle and bustle, it is turn your electronics off and get the kids outside in the dirt simple. But it is not to be mistaken with easy. I have always respected my grandparents for the life they built, the farmhouse my grandfather built from the ground up with his hands. How their property always looked perfect. How every tool in the pole barn was perfectly in place and clean. How everything was always so beautiful and taken care of. But now, times that respect by ten. They lived such a good and honest life out on their property and it has been so motivating and inspiring for me over the years. We lost them both this Summer, and there is a hole in my heart that I know will never fully fill. But I can tell you living out their dream in this way definitely makes me think of them constantly. I want to do this for them. I feel them here with us and we hope to move on in life with their legacy at the heart of it all.

So here we are now (below) Porter Gene is two years old and we have another on the way. We’ve aged, we’ve matured, we’ve learned so much. I am so grateful for all we have accomplished here. It’s exciting to bring home another life to our home. More flat feet running down the halls on the floors we installed and the walls we painted. More hands to dig in the dirt in the Summertime. More company to watch the sunsets. And if we’re lucky one day these little hands and feet will help out around here haha. Happy 4th Year of country life to us. Happy 4th year of staying true to promises, following through on dream chasing, and to finally sitting back and enjoying it. Our Humble Hideaway, you have forever changed us for the better <3

Paperless Post - Why we love it!

Paperless Post is our go-to for invites. I have used the site for years and absolutely love it, and here’s why:

They have the cutest designs. There are so many card options that can be customized quickly for any type of event you are planning. I love all of the options to make it perfect for your party.

The convenience is amazing! You can create the cards on your phone on the Paperless Post app, or online at https://www.paperlesspost.com

Now a days we all spend so much time on our phones and in our email, its just the easiest way to get the word out!

I also love the online RSVP! You can quickly check the app to see if your guests are responding to your invitation. The comment wall is tons of fun for guests to interact. You can also notify them of registries, directions, and message all guests with details if needed.

We are avid Paperless Post users and will continue to be! Would highly recommend giving it a try for your next event! Happy Planning!

Our Master Bathroom Addition/Renovation 2019

5 Months in the making, and we finally have a master bath!

Two posts back is a walk down memory lane of all of the improvements we’ve made on the property since we purchased it in November 2015. Every year we’ve had at least one big project and a million other little ones. 2016 was the fence, existing baths in the house, and property clean up. 2017 was the kitchen. 2018 was the barn. 2019 was the master bathroom addition.

When we did the kitchen renovation we pre-plumbed for the water lines and stacks in the wall for the bathroom so we wouldn’t have to tear into drywall again. So glad we had this forethought!

When we purchased the house it was a 1.5 bath. The home itself is now 2.5 and we have a full bath at the barn as well so I guess you could say 3.5! A definite upgrade for sure.

Renovation photos would be half as fun without some good ole fashioned before and afters!

This was how the space looked exactly when we bought the house in 2015.

The original blue prints for the home showed this space as a balcony. The owners before us enclosed it. When we bought it there was a bulky sliding glass door, yellow walls, oak trim and a big hotel heater. Not glamorous! We added a cased opening and curtains to get by until we could really get to the real renovation.

We ended up adding two new big picture windows! We also completely renovated our bedroom, but I don’t have it 100% decorated yet so that will be shared at a later date! Still working out a rug and some decor :) But we went from one tiny window in our room to a 6ft x 6ft picture window. It is gigantic and amazing and I am so glad we did it! The whole space is so bright and welcoming now.

During this reno I was in my first trimester. I was SO SICK, our bed was on the living room floor, and we had contractors at our house from 9am to 9pm most nights. It was AWFUL. I cried, a lot! I just wanted my own space to relax in. I was sick, the dogs were constantly barking, and I was half asleep in survival mode on the floor most days. But Porter LOVED the bed in the living room, he thought it was a party every day!

From demo to done the project took just under 6 months. The original timeline was 4 weeks, LOL. In the defense of our contractor I kept adding things on (can we say project creep!?) but it still took WAY TOO LONG and not having your room is crazy hard! Every renovation we’ve done has been really time consuming and stressful in different ways. While in progress I am always like WHY DID WE DO THIS. And then its done and I’m like OMG SO GLAD WE DID THIS.

I have a tiny regret of not adding a huge soaker tub… but Nick and I talked about this long and hard and if we decide to stay here forever we have plans to add a first floor addition with another master bath/laundry. This bathroom is amazing and we LOVE it, but looks like I’m taking a bath with Porter and rubber ducky for awhile :)

All of the wood elements are made from pine from the demo of the barn. I’ve loved adding this little touch. We had to add a wardrobe because Nick and I don’t have a walk in closet, we are bursting out of our room! And with baby #2 on the way we really have to get the spare bedroom cleaned out! So the extra storage was completely necessary. Because the room is so large, and we have two mirrors, it hasn’t been bad at all only having one sink. I wondered if that would bother us but it really hasn’t at all! We planned it out the best we could with the storage we needed and the space that was there. I LOVE the result. It is SO BRIGHT. It is SO BIG. Its beautiful and we are just so happy!

We have been so incredibly lucky to be able to literally make this home and property our dream over the years. We are really close to having it “done!'“ Next year we have plans to reside and reroof the garage to match the barn (its currently brown and not cute! but been low on the priority list) and nowwwwww I’ve decided I need a pool. (haha will this all ever end!?) So pool might be a 2021, 2022 project. But overall I am so happy with everything we’ve done and incredibly proud of the hard work that has gone into all of it. When we bought this property at 26 & 27 we literally had no clue what we were getting into. And then it felt like anything but home. But now, its ours and its exactly what we’ve wanted and I am so glad we took that leap.

Thanks for following along!! Here are the details of the finishes!

Flooring: Lowes

Shower Doors: Home Depot

Cabinets: Lowes

Mirrors & Towels: Target

Amber Bottles: Amazon

Shower Fixtures: Pfister

Sink: Signature Hardware

Baby Boy #2 Coming in January - 1st Trimester Update <3

This was the day we found out we were expecting our 2nd baby!

We had gone on a weekend trip with friends just days before this… we were eating dinner and I just had this wave go over me, I looked at my best friend and said “omg, I’m pregnant I know it.”

Fast forward a few days later and we were getting ready for family pictures with the amazing Karime! I don’t know what compelled me to take the test right then, but I did. I was just on the phone with my BFF and said “screw it I’m gonna do it.” I was 8 days before my missed period! Because I tested likely 50+ times when we were trying for Porter, I got to know my body really well and felt like it was definitely possible for a positive. 30 seconds later the 2nd line popped up. OMG ITS POSITIVE. I was in shock! If you’ve been a follower of this blog you’re aware of our past struggles with miscarriage and infertility. This was the 4th month we had tried and I just couldn’t believe it was happening again so soon! And of course then you have to take three more tests juuuuuuust to be sure!

Any family photos we ever have taken are a complete treasure to me, but these ones feel extra special. The day we found out we were adding another baby to the family, documented <3

We were so so so excited. But obviously reluctant. We have heard bad news more often than good when it comes to pregnancy so we were being cautious. My amazing OB followed my blood levels, we saw that hormones were rising accordingly and that helped my anxiety to hold me over until that first ultrasound.

And then the sickness set in…

With Porter I was super sick in the first trimester, so I knew these symptoms were a good sign. Its such a relief, but also like WHOA I can’t function, haha.

This blog has always been a place for me to be ME. Raw, myself, and authentic. So I am going to stay true to that!

I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Porter how bad I wanted it. I yearned for it, so deep inside myself. Every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower, women “complaining” because they were morning sick, every mention of anything related to being parents completely crushed me. It was such a hard time and I will never ever forget how raw those feelings were.

This blog is titled “1st Trimester Update,” so lets dive in!

I’ve always been so intrigued and amazed at how pregnancy affects women differently. Some women don’t even know they are pregnant, some are nauseous and vomiting every day, some are hospitalized because the symptoms are so bad. It literally fascinates me.

I started feeling sick at 5 weeks. Nausea, food aversions, life sucking exhaustion, migraines. It was ROUGH. So the first time you’re pregnant you can care for yourself, rest, netflix, take time to recover from these symptoms. Not when you have a toddler! Weeks 5 - 16 were reallllllllly hard for me. Not only was I super sick, but I felt so horribly guilty that I was being such a medium mama for Porter. There were days the TV was on all day because I literally could not function otherwise. If it weren’t for my husband and my mom saving the day when it got unbearable, I don’t know how I would have survived.

5 Years ago I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and a Thyroid Condition. It has been a huge struggle for me. I seemingly went from a very active, workaholic, non stop moving 25 year old, to feeling like I was wearing a weighted bodysuit every day. Simple tasks like carrying laundry up the stairs, taking a walk, or being outside in the heat would deplete me to the point of muscle paralysis. I’ve been working really hard to manage these symptoms since my diagnosis, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t control my life. I have to be really careful about how much I exert myself, because if I go past whatever this limit that my body has set for me, I am bed ridden and completely depleted and ill for typically about four days. I’ve been hospitalized in the past, but its really the same thing every time, rest, take it easy, etc. Its been maddening considering my physically active career and our fast paced lifestyle, but its also taught me a lot about slowing down in general, which I think I really needed.

All of these symptoms have been completely amplified with pregnancy. There was a 10 week period where it felt like the only time I moved was to feed Porter, feed myself, or go to the bathroom. Add debilitating nausea and migraines on top of that, and some days felt honestly unbearable. Our house was a complete mess, it was true survival mode. And it really started to mess with my mental state. Feeling so physically ill every day, not getting outside, not being able to complete simple tasks, it really really challenged me. THANKFULLY, it has gotten SO MUCH BETTER….

We made it to our first ultrasound at 7 weeks and everything looked amazing. I cried. It was SUCH A RELIEF. And of course makes everything so real. We left with excitement and hope and started to have more confidence this was really going to happen for us again!

More very glamorous days ahead involving Porter and I snacking while watching animated movies. This time was also very challenging because we were in the middle of our bathroom renovation. So we had contractors in and out every single day. We ended up moving our mattress to the living room floor because they were in our room so much we just needed some space! Honestly, I think had this reno not been happening simultaneously I may have been able to survive much better. My dogs would bark every single time someone came in and out or went up the stairs, Porter’s naps were interrupted daily, and I could never rest because of the constant chaos. We’ve lived through a ton of renovations but I’m pretty sure our master bath takes the cake as the hardest! Always worth it in the end, but it is so hard to see the light when you’re in the thick of it! (Sharing our new space so soon, stay tuned!)

Literally embarrassed at the food I consumed during these weeks. WHY was I so obsessed with Sour Punch!?! Like I would literally go to the gas station and buy them, along with juice and soda. Disgusting! But you do what you gotta do to survive, am I right!? Also ate several cheesy gordita crunches (sub beef for beans!), lots of Olive Garden, french fries, whatever I could get down lets be honest. And DONT FORGET THE ZANTAC.

This is the day we found out baby was A BOY! We decided to go ahead and do the genetic testing (we didn’t with Porter) and were so relived to get the news that baby was healthy and normal for all they tested for! And of course so excited to find out the gender. I have truly loved being a boy mom. When my sister and I were kids we did legos and quads, motocross and boating. It feels fitting I’m a boy mama because I already feel so well versed in the topic from the great lessons from my dad. Nick and I would have been so incredibly happy with any gender, but I am so excited for Porter to have a forever best friend. (Porter literally already had his own dirt bike before he could even walk! haha) We have so many fun times ahead!

This is just a random fun day that Porter and I went to one of my all time favorite places, Lynd Fruit Farm just a few minutes from our house. Cant get the boy to eat a peach but they resemble balls so he had the time of his life throwing them haha.

I am almost 18 weeks now and feeling like a new person. I can finally eat green things again, our house has been a little cleaner, Porter and I have been able to get out some, its been amazing! Its crazy to me how absolutely life draining those first weeks are, and then slowly but surely you start to come back to life again. I’m still struggling with fatigue but I’m used to that so just listening to my body and resting when it needs to. All we can do is our best! I am just so grateful to feel “normal-ish” again and get back to the things we love doing as a family.

It was so hard to get and stay pregnant when we were trying for Porter that we really braced ourselves for what the future might hold in trying to grow our family again. It really does feel like a miracle that this is happening to us, twice. I know that this is not promised to me, and we still have a long way to go, but I am going to cherish every day that I feel those little kicks and stay hopeful that this baby will be meeting us in January. As always we are so thankful for the love and support we’ve been shown on this very unpredictable ride that is parenthood! XOXO - ashley

3 Year Anniversary of Our Humble Hideaway

Today marks 3 years since we closed on our home. I don’t think I knew then what a truly huge decision it was to take on this way of life. I had no idea how much that decision, that signature, would completely change us. Our home is our heart, its our soul, its our passion, its our frustration, its where we lost babies, its where we brought Porter home to. That decision has defined us in a way. This piece of land, its our roots. Its where we spend so much of our time, working, relaxing, parenting, laughing, crying. Home is where the heart is took on a whole new meaning when we embarked on this adventure. I remember thinking “oh we can handle a little grass cutting.” HA! YOU GUYS, we have been working pretty much NON STOP for three years and its still not done! Does that show you how much needed to be handled around here!? I will let the photos tell the story, but we have renovated, fixed, built, and mowed so much. I made a post on this day last year and Porter was just 3 weeks old. I was exhausted and healing, but so happy. There was a sense of peace, like it suddenly all made sense, that we did this for him. I think this day will forever stand out to me as the day we took on the biggest adventure of our lives, and decision to use every ounce of ourselves towards this goal of living in a home that we put back together with our own hands. Last year when I made this post we were just starting our kitchen renovation. This year we have just finished the barn renovation. It’s so much fun for me to look back at all we’ve done. It’s easy to forget where we started when we live in this newness every day. But this lil’ place was a MESS. And we saw hope. I dreamt of a white farm house, and we landed on a little cabin style home in the woods, and its perfect for us.

For those of you who don’t know, I am a wedding and portrait photographer. Before I started this blog, I used my photo blog as a place to share our personal life here and there. I wrote this post on November 16, 2016 (one year exactly after we closed on our home) and these words just hit my heart so hard today as I read them. So much has changed, and so much is still the same. But I wanted to share them again here today…

This day last year was FRANTIC. It was a Monday, Nick had to work, and it was the only day we could close on the new house and move in without having to move twice based on the closing of our old house. Nick went to work, left work to sign the papers, went back to work, and then we moved into this house from 4-10pm with the help of all our friends and family. It was literal madness, but we were just grateful to have our bed setup and somewhere to sleep!

Although that somewhere to sleep wasn't very warm... We lived without heat in the home from November to January. We made the switch from electric heat to gas and had to run a gas line and trench the yard and wait for the gas company to hook us up. Basically, it was a COLD Winter. With that, we also survived having no internet for two months, crazy slow internet for 9 months, and I'm happy to say as of 1 month ago we finally got hooked up to high speed. Lets just say it was an adjustment period for sure :)

Our last home was an adorable new M/I build with a small fenced in patio and we paid an HOA fee and the neighborhood took care of the lawn care... Our current home when we purchased it was 4 acres and 1800 sq ft of literal mess. I think all the time how in the world did we think we could do this!? I can't lie, I've cried. I vividly remember calling my realtor in April saying LETS SELL IT. We can't do it! We cannot keep up on everything with our jobs and lives. It would ebb and flow, some days easier than others. We went from spending our spare time on date nights and adventures to literally every moment that we weren't working at our jobs we were working on this house (and my family too!) Its become our normal now so its not as shocking, but at first I more than missed our former life. This was such a huge lifestyle change and in the beginning the work seemed like it would never get done, saying it was overwhelming was the understatement of the century.

BUT - We are 1 year in! WE DID IT! WE MADE IT!!! I can't believe what we've accomplished. We would have never EVER been able to do this without the help of my family who has been here almost every weekend since last year. The list was SO long when we moved in, and although there's still a list, it seems much more manageable and seeing what we've accomplished in 12 months proves to me that this all will definitely get done in time.

Since November 2015 we've hosted dinners, holiday parties, bon fires, family days, pumpkin carving with friends, birthdays, and just sat the two of us on our front porch rockers and enjoyed the view. We've chased our puppies around the yard, drank beer with friends, walked the trashcan down the long gravel drive every Sunday, decorated for the seasons, and every once in a while stopped to marvel in what is ours. We viewed the house in October for the first time... the trees were unreal. I have been excited for October since the day we moved in, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint. I literally came outside every single day and watched the breeze blow and the leaves fall. It was so beautiful and such a reminder of why we chose to do this.

I'm proud today. We decided to take this on and we've committed. Some days were hard and I doubted our ability to get through it all, but we did it. We've transitioned into an entirely new lifestyle, Nick got a promotion and has moved into a new role at work, I've been busy as ever with wedding season, we lost a family member, we lost two pregnancies, we've struggled, but never given up. One thing we haven't lost is hope. We've shared so many good times in this home as well and I know there are unlimited amazing times to come. Seeing my 86 year old grandparents sit on our front porch and tell us how proud and happy they are for us is a feeling I will never forget. Even though this has been hard, I am just so grateful that we have the opportunity to even do this. How lucky, at 27 years old we can buy our "dream property" and renovate it. I'd say we have it pretty good.

Thank you to my sweet husband Nick who has always been so willing to let me chase my dreams. In our 10 years together he never doubted my abilities to run a successful business, he would hop out of bed every Sunday and adventure with me and the dogs, he trusts my judgement in so many of our big life decisions, and he jumped wholeheartedly into this dream I've had for years. He's spent countless hours on a tractor and with power tools in his hand for a year. Babe I love and appreciate you more than you'll ever know. As long as we're together we can truly accomplish anything. Thank you.

So, next on the list!? THE KITCHEN! YAHOO! Our cabinets were delivered last week and I am just heart eye emoji's all day every day. I had my wisdom teeth emergency removed last week so our original demo day got pushed, but hoping in the next few weeks we get to work on this thing! We have all the plans laid out, now its just a matter of making it happen!

And here’s some photos to take you down memory lane…

2018 was the year of the barn. 2017 was the year of the kitchen. 2016 was the year of the bathrooms/fence/ outdoor property and just learning how to do this new life!

These first photos here are the “before” of the barn. I realized I really did not take enough before photos! We got to work right away and I’m wishing I had better befores of everything. But as you can see, a dark brown storage barn… turned into a light and bright photography studio. DREAMS.

We bought this property when we were 26 and 27… I just wanted to live on a beautiful property and I was a little naive at what it takes to do that. We could have NEVER done this without the help of my parents. We instantly knew we bit off way more than we could chew. Like for starters, how does this tractor even work!? OMG the list of things they helped us with is endless. We are getting better at calling them (a little) less! We finally have a system for dealing with the leaves that fall every year, finally got a zero-turn so mowing is quicker and easier, we have tons of equipment to maintain the property and we’re getting good at maintaining the equipment that maintains the property, haha. I feel confident in a few years we will have this all down to a science, the renovations will be (mostly) done, and we can focus on raising our family here. I’m excited for the day when Porter can help us pick up sticks after a big rain, rake the leaves, but for now he’s done great riding on our backs through it all.

Future projects we still want to accomplish: adding a master bathroom in our bedroom (we already plumbed for it, now we just have to make it happen!), finish the basement, do new siding and roof on the garage to match the barn, and of course a bunch of small things here and there. I have to admit, these past few years have worn us out, so we may take a break on the projects for a bit (who am I kidding I can’t relax). But we are in no hurry to start something new. We have improvements to make on the brand new barn, like adding a kitchen, patio, etc. We knew this project would take time, but I truly never imagined 6 years, and I think it will be that before we have it the way we want it. If you asked me in April 2016 if I loved living here, I would have started sobbing and begged you to buy my house. But today, I have more confidence in what we’ve accomplished and what we are capable of. Everything I have wanted to happen here has, just in time. The future is the brightest it ever has been, for a million reasons.

This post of mine every year has been something I love to look back on. We really have poured everything inside ourselves into this lifestyle and I have no regrets. Love doing this life with my family. And I am so grateful for the friends and family that constantly supported me and all my crazy ideas. My husband being #1. And my parents being a very close 2nd. It takes a village has never been more true. Running a business, raising a baby, and tackling huge renovations cannot be done without the help of many. In this month of thankfulness, I have more gratitude than ever. Happy 3 years of life in the country to us! <3

Raw Motherhood

I have been thinking for the past couple months about how I wanted to write a post on my experience in motherhood for Mother's Day -- and in true motherhood fashion this post is coming late. My new pace is slower, but the reason is extra cute and chunky and totally deserving of my time.

My first experience in motherhood quickly ended in loss. Followed by months of heartache and depression. Leading to another pregnancy that again ended in loss. For 15 months we tried for and lost babies, and it pained me in a way I know I could never describe if I truly tried. It was all consuming, up every night with fear if I would ever be a mother racing through my head, to crying in my car after baby showers & pregnancy announcements. It was the hardest time of my life. Doctor appointments on top of doctor appointments, blood draws and diagnoses. And then the worlds most incredible miracle made it's way into our lives... Porter. We found out we were pregnant for the third time February 16, 2017 and it was the best (and most terrifying) day of my life. Fast forward through an anxiety ridden pregnancy with testing, follow up's, more worry than you could imagine, and just plain old faith and hope getting me through the day to day. Pregnancy after repeated loss is the hardest thing I've ever done. Every day was an emotional battle to believe it was truly our time. I went off of my blood thinners at 37 weeks (to reduce risk of hemorrhaging at birth, although that failed) and literally every single day panicked that Porter was going to get a placental blood clot. Gosh those last two weeks were soooooo hard. I really had to dig deep every single day, hour by hour just to get by emotionally. I scared myself so much I barely rested those last two weeks, I was constantly moving in an effort to keep my blood flowing smoothly and not taking any chances on Porter's health. In short, I was a total wreck. Two years of so much fear and anxiety. My first two years experiencing motherhood were overflowing with worry.

I wrote a post about our birth when Porter was two weeks old... And looking back at that post just now made me physically ill. Reading it was sweet, innocent, naïve, and brought back a ton of feelings of fear. How at the time I had no idea how bad both mine and Porter's conditions were. Rereading the things that happened during our labor and delivery, talking about it casually because I didn't know at the time that what we had been through was out of the norm. Rereading that story brings back the fear of those moments. I am slowly making peace with the fact that Porter's birth will never be something I think of without a rush of horribly frightening thoughts accompanying the good ones. The entire experience was just completely terrifying. An induction, our baby in horrible distress, amnio infusion, 15 doctors/nurses rushing in, having my body in every position imaginable, seeing our sons heart rate drop below 30 multiple times, being on oxygen my full labor, over an hour of heart rate declarations, an internal heart rate monitor, a shot to stop contractions, an hour and a half of pushing, forceps, nuchal cord, shoulder dystocia, Porter silent after delivery, Nicu team, extreme tearing, moments after birth being rushed to surgery, 2 hours of surgery while awake, hemorrhaging, 5 IV's, looking my husband in the eyes asking him if I was going to die, high risk room at the hospital post delivery, extended stay, Porter's brachial plexus injury, Porter's daily physical therapy, 4 months of my recovery with continued daily pain, another surgery, another 8 week recovery, and now seven months post birth I think we can say... We made it out. And sometimes I look back and wonder how? And then I remember -- because I'm a mama and you rise to the occasion for your babies. This is what we do. 

In a lot of ways, I feel like my delivery completely robbed me of my first 6 months of motherhood. In all honesty, I have serious resentment/anger/anxiety/frustration/generally negative feelings towards so many aspects of my birth and of motherhood in the beginning. Thankfully, time heals. Now that I am physically myself again, the emotional part gets stronger and stronger every single day. I breastfed Porter for 4 months. And in those 4 months I cannot tell you how many times I cried, cried because of the physical pain my body was in. He refused to nurse laying down, and sitting was near impossible for me to do without pain. I remember a day even 6 weeks post sobbing because I was still in so much physical pain from my birth and all of its complications. I had trouble walking for the first two weeks (remove the fact that I had a gazillion stitches) from the severe side effects of hemorrhaging. The lightheadedness/weakness was life altering. I didn't hold Porter while standing for a solid week. I didn't trust myself to carry him down the stairs for two. Every day my body got stronger and I could do more and more for him. But I beat myself up mentally because of all that I couldn't do physically. Although every day I did get slightly better, I knew my healing was not right. Have you ever just felt like something was horribly wrong in your body? Even though your doctor almost refused to acknowledge it? My first Thanksgiving with Porter was spent sobbing with my mother, grandmother, and sister because my pain/pressure was so unbearable I broke down. It wasn't until 12 weeks post delivery that I finally said, you know what, this is not right. I cannot go on like this. I sought out a second opinion and I truly feel like this doctor saved me. I had unbearable chronic pain for months and had convinced myself that I would literally never have my life back. I feared if I would ever be able to shoot weddings again without pain, have more children, be able to be physically active, be the fun mama I knew Porter deserved. It was such a hard time. More anxiety. More stress. More pain. All while adjusting to life as a new mom. My new doctor recommended surgery, and that combined with physical therapy, and honestly, just more time - I can finally say seven months post that I have made a full physical recovery. I am finally ME again. Well, I'll never be the "old me" again -- but glimpses of her pop in from time to time just when I need it most. And that Porter's brachial plexus nerve injury is 99.9% healed. This all feels like a miracle.

As mother's, we are faced with constant decisions... Every single day, is it nap time? Is he hungry? Is this organic baby food really organic? Why is he crying? Sleep train? Pacifier? Go out in the world or stay home? What if he melts down? Maybe if I buy this $200 pillow he will finally sleep more than 2 hours so I can rest. When should he go in his crib? Is the car too hot? Should I get childcare? Did I pack the diaper bag? What did I forget? Can I really feed my baby formula? Literally, constant decisions, constant questioning everything you are doing in the new world you've found yourself in. And then beating yourself up for the decision you finally do make. Porter has been formula fed for three months and at least 4 times a day I have some negative awful dehumanizing thought towards myself for the decision I made to stop breastfeeding. I'm not sure I will ever be at peace with that decision. I try to constantly remind myself of all of the obstacles I faced and give myself some grace... Some days that works, others I just cry in my car. 

I wanted to share all of this because ...

1. We're too hard on ourselves. Being a parent is so challenging and new and we have to extend some love and understanding towards ourselves. If a girlfriend came to you and said "I think I have to stop breastfeeding because of all the complications from my birth and my upcoming surgery/recovery" would you respond to her by saying "you can't feed your baby formula, you're an awful mother, how could you be so selfish." No. You wouldn't. So why would you ever say that to yourself? (Trying to take my own advice).

2. No matter the challenge you faced when becoming a mother know that you are strong and loved and totally ENOUGH. Maybe you struggle with postpartum depression, body image issues, physical complications, anxiety... Whatever that challenge may be - I think its totally okay to say "This has been really HARD." I have always felt so apprehensive to say any of its been hard -- because at the end of the day I got my one and only wish, a beautiful healthy thriving baby boy. I never, EVER wanted to appear ungrateful. But I've found for me, in my life, the more I cover up and mask my issues, the less they get resolved, and the less authentic I feel. I've found community has helped me through some of the darkest times in my life. If all of my posts were beautiful and happy, they honestly just wouldn't be truthful, and being transparent through it all has made me relate to so many women along the way and certainly feel less alone.  I hope if you had a hard day parenting today, or this week, that you read this post and went "whew, I'm not the only hot mess. I'm totally enough."

3. Perspective is everything. That is all.

So my experience in motherhood so far? Completely unpredictable. So incredibly hard. But, like they all say, the most amazing thing you will ever do in your life. The day I met Porter I loved him more than I ever thought possible. And somehow today, I love him even more. I have never in my life felt so eager for the future, and wanted to stop time simultaneously. I want to watch him grow and learn, but I want to freeze these moments while he's got that gummy smile and adorable baby giggle as long as I can. I love love love this phase we're in. He's so happy, he's so chubby, he sits up and coos and talks, but isn't crawling yet. He's sturdy but totally still needs me and can't get away from me yet. His thigh rolls just kill me. I've never found so much joy in sitting back and observing in my life. I am completely obsessed with him and every little thing he does. Day to day brings on new experiences for Porter, and seeing life through his eyes is such a beautiful gift. Although most of our first months together were total survival mode, I hope Porter can forgive me, and I can forgive myself for those struggles, and that time will heal these wounds and it will soon be a fuzzy memory and crazy story of how our miracle rainbow baby came to be. The first 6 months were HARD. But I am SO excited for the next six months. I never knew how truly important your health was to your quality of life, and I am just so grateful to have mine back. So many things in life aren't what we expect, and I am constantly working on managing my expectations vs. reality and knowing that whatever will be will be. If I see it one way in my head, and it goes another, that that is totally okay. Parenting has taught me so much about expectations. Kinda like, don't have them? Haha. 

I really want to re-write this post after Porter's first birthday (howwwwww is that even a thing!?) and hope that I can make time to do that. I am so for sharing the good the bad and the ugly -- and really looking forward to some good ole fashioned good headed our way. I am so hopeful that post will come with some different content. More talk about how healthy we are, how rested we are (Porter just started sleeping through the night *most* of the time!), all about PG's milestones, and his first birthday party. There are definitely things that happened to us both that I could totally do without, but honestly, (as cliche as it may sound) it really did make us who we are. I avoided getting my wisdom teeth pulled for 15 years (finally got those suckers out in 2016) and I have since had two miscarriages, two surgeries, given birth, and survived some pretty hard stuff. I never ever knew I was capable of these things. It has brought on a confidence and toughness I just honestly didn't know I had. Sometimes we have to look at our obstacles in life, flip them upside-down and make them good. And all of this has just made me have an unbelievable appreciation for Porter and what it takes to make and grow a baby. 

Bottom line is -- I am grateful.

Motherhood for me the first six months was a little crazy. But I have a feeling its always going to be crazy in its own way, huh?! I have never had so much purpose and felt so much love in my entire life. It's truly just made everything better. Porter makes everything Nick and I do so much more incredible. Watching him take in every new life experience brings us so much joy. Every morning starts out with his gummy smiles, and every night ends with cuddles. His presence has totally shifted my priorities in the best way possible. He reminds me to slow down, breathe, and just life in your moments. I absolutely adore this new title of "mom" and I am just so glad Porter chose us. 

I wanted to write this post in early May and wish all the amazing mama's out there a Happy Mother's Day -- and remind you that you're incredible. Because Mom's are unreal. Give yourself a little love for all your hard work. So, Happy Mothers Day a few weeks late. I love you all.

Spring Dinner // A Celebration For Nick's Birthday // A Reason To Host And Entertain

November 7th is the last time I posted on this blog. In all honesty, parenting has been everything and nothing I expected. Its been amazing/incredible/rewarding and all of the wonderful cliches people tell you your whole life pre parenthood, but its also been challenging, exhausting, and honestly, hard. I've been working on a post for mothers day, one where I am hoping to share my heart on my experience with motherhood in the last 6 months -- but today I wanted to share a fun post of a just plain good Sunday afternoon.

When we viewed this house for the first time in October 2015, it was incredible. (And by incredible I mean a total disaster, look back as past posts if you want to see just how much) but I literally had my breath taken away. I knew I wanted to buy the property before we even got inside the house. The view of the fall foliage from the street, the long gravel drive, a deck big enough to host all our friends and family (a horribly neglected koi pond that smelled like death, a chainlink fence broken in more places than I can count, landscaping that hadn't been touched in years) it's still crazy to me how I saw past all of that. I saw a lifestyle, a dream coming true. This is so much more than a home to us, its our life. A true labor of love, a place we put down our roots and grew our family. A perfect blend of my husband and I, cabin style exterior, all white everything inside. It's easy on the day to day to accidentally take for granted what we have. But its days like this where I can really stop and soak in the beauty that is our home, our hard work, and our life. Working every weekend for two years, totally worth it. I truly can't imagine us anywhere else.

Nick (my husband) turned 28 last week and we hosted a little dinner (lunch) party to celebrate another year around the sun. Lunch because we all have young kids, and if yours doesn't melt by 7pm tell me your secrets. So lunch, post nap time seemed like the safest bet. Now, if only we could get weather above 55 degrees in Ohio. Overall, total success. You never know how babies and glassware will mix, but I'd call it a win. We had homemade veggie burgers, meat burgers for my carnivore himself, potatoes, sweet & russet, strawberry spinach salads, veggies, guac, cheese, cake and cookies. It was YUM.

I decided last year when I was 38 weeks pregnant with Porter that I NEEDED a long outdoor table for all our friends and family to gather. That's a little bit how our projects go, I wake up on a Saturday that we have nothing planned (rare) and BAM I need a 16 foot outdoor table. And of course I could barely help because I had a human being in the shape of a watermelon under my shirt, but, like he always does, Nick delivered. It very comfortably sat 8 adults and 4 high chairs, and swelled my heart to capacity. 

I have a huge love for decorating, designing, baking, hosting, renovating, photographing, party planning... the list is endless. I am so multi passionate sometimes I feel like my ideas are literally pinging back and forth inside my brain on a daily basis. I am always dreaming up the next thing, working on my photography business, working on expanding my brand, working on making a happy home, all while raising a tiny human. One goal I had this year was to have my camera out more. For awhile, I would try to leave it behind in an effort to be more present in my moments, but turns out having these images are actually a return ticket to all of these precious moments. A jog of the memory to something otherwise possibly forgotten. And as much as I force my husband to humor me, I know he too loves to look back on these photos.

These are the days. The best days. The days where we are exhausted to the point of tears, challenged every single day, but somehow the happiest and most fulfilled we have ever been in our lives. I don't want to forget a single thing. The drool constantly covering Porter's shirt, his gummy smiles, the way he interacts with our friends and their babies, its all pure magic. I love these weekend days spent outside with the best of company.

When this blog first began, it was a place for me to pour out my heart and soul and all our struggles in building our family. I connected with so many amazing women that got me through the hardest time in my life. I will FOREVER be grateful. 

I have endless ideas for where my photography business will go, where my brand will go, where our life will go, where this blog will go, but for now I've decided to just share what I want! What feels good to me at the time. And today, that's this.

Maybe you follow me to see cute photos of Porter, maybe you are a mama struggling with fertility issues, maybe you are a wedding photographer, maybe you love home decor, or maybe you're my mom or best friend and feel obligated to support my cause ;) -- whatever your reason being, thank you! I have hopes for a clearer vision for my brand in the coming months, but until then I hope you enjoy the many avenues this blog has taken. It is absolutely a reflection of who I am - a girl who lays awake at night with way to many brain tabs open.

Porter's birth story

First day home with baby alone, and so far its been a great day! We had newborn photos taken this morning and now he's napping next to me while I write this. Wondering if it will take me a week to finish this post because something's telling me he's going to wake up soon!

These bump photos were the last day I was pregnant. I was induced the next morning and it was a complete whirlwind. Because of the two blood clotting disorders they found while we were struggling with miscarriages, my doctors decided to induce me at 39 weeks. In short, they only wanted me off the thinners for a max of two weeks (I went off at 37) so we had to give baby a little push to come a little early! Turns out when I showed up for my induction I was already having regular contractions and doc assured me I would have been in that night in natural labor. He was ready.

I love these photos that Nick took of me the day before we got to meet our son. (I just literally started crying as soon as I typed that last sentence). Being pregnant is such a gift. A gift I tried to never take for granted. If I ever complained about symptoms my guilt quickly reminded me just how bad I wanted this last year. How I would have given anything. And here we were, pregnant with our miracle. If I am never able to be pregnant again, I am so glad I cherished every moment of our sweet babe growing inside of me. Before you meet your child you can't even imagine the love you will feel. It is unfathomable. I tried to imagine how good it would feel - but what I imagined didn't even come close. He's more. He's better. He's everything.

Since our birth we've had so much support and love sent our way. And so many questions and lots of concern. When we first came home from the hospital I wasn't ready to talk about it. Actually, every time I did I cried and got horrible anxiety throughout my entire body. But time is an amazing thing, I can feel it healing me. Both mentally and physically. Our journey to parenthood has not been an easy one, and I've always been transparent, so I am sticking to that.

Porter Gene West - Born on his Great Grandfather Gene's 88th birthday - Weighing 8 pounds and 11 ounces and 21.5 inches long at 10:06pm - He was the most perfect thing we had ever seen.

The induction started off great. I arrived at almost 4cm dilated and already having natural contractions. We were so excited about this. My body was ready! But very shortly after they started on the pitocin, I got an aura migraine. Any migraine strugglers reading? Oh, these things are my worst nightmare. I have battled them since I was 12 years old and they (up until childbirth) were the worst pain I had ever felt. In short, they are completely miserable. This was SO discouraging to me only an hour into our labor. It gave me a lot of anxiety and definitely made me less confident I could handle all the pain that was headed my way. They decided to slow down the pitocin and let me rest and try to get past some of the headache. A couple hours later we were ready to get this labor going. Our nurse upped the pitocin by two and everything progressed so quickly from there.

I dilated so quickly! At first the contractions were okay. I could talk through them. I visited with my mom and sister. They hurt, but were totally manageable. I was curious how labor felt. I think every woman is. Everyone talks about their birth stories and I wondered so much what mine would be. How would this whole experience feel physically. Well, I can say contractions were the worst pain I've ever felt. I was trying to be patient on getting an epidural because I didn't know how long I would be in labor and didn't want to be bed ridden for 36 hours... They got to a point where they were unbearable. The pain was so intense I felt it all over. Thank god you get a break between them! Such a relief. I wasn't sure I was ready for the epidural before, but at this point I KNEW and a sweet man came in and dosed me and I was back to feeling okay. (Love that man!)

Very shortly after I got the epidural, they came in and broke my water. From here, everything was a chaotic frantic whirlwind. Contractions started coming hard and strong. I was 10 cm fast and we thought we were ready and that this was about to happen. Porter had other plans. The contractions came on too strong and put him in serious distress. At first my nurse just had me switch sides to see if baby would be more content in a different position. His heart rate dropped with every contraction with no signs of letting up. From this moment on everything was a blur. Within minutes there were 10 doctors and nurses rushing in our room. They decided to do an amnio fusion (which I guess is where they try to basically re-insert the fluid you lost from your water breaking to make baby more comfortable). This did not make Porter any happier. They had me in every position imaginable. I was on oxygen the rest of my labor. Nick and I were so scared. I was just trying to listen to the doctors and do everything they asked of me. Porter's heart rate got down to 30 at one point. This baby was in some serious distress. We were absolutely terrified but just trying to stay calm and trust the doctors. I kept making eye contact with Nick, we weren't speaking, but we didn't have to. They had inserted an internal heart rate monitor and baby was not getting any better. Every single contraction put his little heart and body in too much stress. We were anxiously awaiting the arrival of my doctor so we could move forward with how to get this baby out. I anticipated an emergency C section at this point because there were no signs of things letting up. In the mean time they gave me a shot to slow down my contractions. Right after this, we got some relief. The prior hour was horrible. Nurses and doctors rushing around, flipping me, putting masks on my face, buzzers going off, and two extremely worried almost new parents. 

My doctor showed up right when things had leveled out. I labored down for another hour and then it was time to push. An hour and thirty minutes of pushing and mama and baby were both completely exhausted. Pushing was so much harder than I expected. I felt like I had nothing left in me. My doctor could see this and she looked me right in my eyes and said "okay Ashley, we are going to try a forceps delivery. If after a few contractions he's not out, we are going to C section. I need you to push with everything you have inside of you." My immediate thought was -- I know I can't do this we're going to C section..." The next contraction the forceps were in, I was screaming and pushing with all I had, and there he was. He came out in the first contraction -- and it was silent. My baby wasn't screaming. He wasn't laid on my chest. His Dad didn't cut the cord. I had immediate panic. I was yelling and crying asking what was wrong. After what felt like an eternity we heard baby cry. He got stuck on the way out and had the cord wrapped around his neck. He was stunned and silent, but after the nurses worked their magic we heard that perfect little baby cry from across the room. At this point Nick had never left my side. Holding me and supporting me through every contraction and every push. I made him run over to meet his baby. I watched them from across the room and I will never forget the look on Nick's face as he wept at the sight of our son. 

Finally baby was ready to come over and meet his mama. There is no way to describe the feeling of meeting your child. There literally are not words I could use to describe this magic. So many tears. So much emotion. So much relief. So much happiness. While we were meeting our baby I could see the doctors discussing something, they looked concerned. I was told I had to be moved to the OR for repairs and that we had to go right away. Nick had to stay back and get suited up, and I begged to let them let me keep Porter on my chest. The next two hours were incredibly scary. I could feel myself draining. The exhaustion was at such an extreme. Nick and Porter stayed by my side the entire two hours I was in the OR for repair. During that time I hemorrhaged and declined quickly. It's so scary to be laying there awake, exhausted, delirious, and not exactly sure what was going on. All while knowing you are in a surgery, trying to stay calm and not panic, while losing mass amounts of blood. I was so completely out of it. That was the longest two hours of my life. All I wanted to do was snuggle my new baby, and I was literally laying there fearing my life. Nick stayed strong and kept me calm and we talked about our baby to make the time move faster through new doctors coming in, giving me my 5th IV, hearing them say "she's declining, go get the blood now." 

And finally, they were finished and our horror was over. Porter looked amazing, aside from his shoulder dystocia (I will touch on this later) he was completely healthy and thriving. I had never felt worse. We were moved to a high risk room and monitored for the next 24 hours. Finally, the next day I was able to stand. I can't even begin to explain to you how hard this simple task was. Because of the blood loss, I was so horribly anemic my body had absolutely no energy. I was scared and discouraged because all I wanted to do was take care of my baby and I literally could barely move. It was just as hard emotionally as it was physically. I had all these plans to have a fresh 48 session in the hospital and get photos of our new family, but my body had other plans. I was fearful of the way I felt, and knew just how hard this recovery was going to be. I knew going home was not going to be easy. Both of my doctors were amazing and checked in on us constantly. They have been so attentive to my physical and mental health and I can't thank them enough for that. After 3 nights in the hospital, we were ready to go home. I am so glad we were able to stay and get the care I know I needed. Nick was amazing taking care of babe when I couldn't. These men in my life are everything. So patient and everything I needed.

Here are a few photos we snapped in the hospital. I cried because I couldn't take more, but he will have a long life of amazing pictures -- trying to forgive myself because I didn't have the strength to do more then. 

I snapped these three shots right before we left the hospital. Porter was three days old and as ready to go home as we were. My perfect little miracle. Can't believe it was him the whole time. He's better than what I dreamt about. He's worth every tear and heart ache. Worth every loss, every blood draw, every test, every month of trying. Worth all the sleepless nights, the worry, the fear. I am so glad we fought for this baby. He is the most incredible gift and I will spend the rest of my life making sure he knows that. 

We've been home almost two weeks now and we are starting to get our normal! The first week was so hard on me, I could barely do the stairs, do diaper changes, walking was hard, sitting was hard. I would have never gotten through it without all the amazing support. At two weeks out I feel SO much better. Every day I can feel my energy rising. I'm here with him today all alone, feeding him, feeding myself, and it feels wonderful. I feel like I can finally be his mama 100%. And its a truly beautiful thing.

Here are a few shots I took in his nursery when he was just over a week old. I couldn't get more than this because I just didn't have the energy, but so glad I was able to snag these few.

I am loving maternity leave! I have never in my life had 6 weeks of no work. My only responsibility right now is to bond with this baby and I can't tell you how much I am loving it. I am taking advantage of every second to snuggle and soak of everything that is his perfect squishy self. He's already growing and changing and I know that life is going to fly with him. I am savoring these sleepless nights, late night feedings, dark circles, and PJ's all day. I will miss this time as soon as its gone. 

We can't thank everyone enough - for EVERYTHING. From the start. I feel like this baby was literally a labor of love. A group effort. Not possible without all of our love and support. He is living proof of miracles, and what the power of love can do. So many women that helped me through my depression in our year of miscarriages. People sending cards, food, gifts, flowers, texts. I've never felt so supported in all my life. This little babe is because of you all. THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts. For never making us feel like our fears weren't merited, and for pushing us towards the ultimate goal even when it felt unreachable. We love you all so much and can't wait for everyone to meet our sweet Porter!!

Our Maternity Photos at Home

We only have a couple-ish weeks until baby's arrival so I thought it might be a good time to share our maternity photos!

My super talented and incredibly sweet friend Kari (with Karime Photography) was pregnant with me due just four weeks apart. So she did our maternity photos, and I did hers! So glad she came out to our house and captured us where we feel most, us. Pregnancy is such a short and fleeting time in life. I know I will look back and forget things, and yearn for the feeling of these little (now huge) kicks again. I am so glad we have these photos to look back on this super happy and special time in our life. And finally, Nick in some photos! All of my bump photos up until this point were just me! And he's an important piece to this puzzle too :) Just so glad to have these photos together. We love them Kari. Thank you thank you thank you!!

The 3rd Trimester - Another Bump Update! And Baby Shower!

Photo from our maternity session with KariMe Photography at 31 weeks. Can't wait to share all of these photos with you! Scout has no idea what she's in for.

35 weeks today.

It's currently 4:12am -- Not uncommon for me to be awake. My sleep patterns are all kinds of crazy these days. I rolled over at 3:00am to check the time and a text from a great friend of mine who is in labor got me UP. I had tears streaming down my face immediately. So incredibly excited for her. So many feelings washed over me as this will be us in a few short weeks. 

5 weeks. Think of a week and how fast it flies. Yesterday was the first official day of Fall and I'm still just wondering where the Summer went? When I think of being pregnant since February it seems like forever, but the time has gone by so fast. My curiosity on when he will make his appearance is going to drive me crazy!! Some days I think it's going to be 37 weeks, others I think I will go late. My hospital bag is medium packed. I'm thinking this is the weekend I'm going to get it fully packed up. I still have quite a bit of work to do before he arrives and if that puts me into early labor I just want to be "ready!"

We are in the midst of a Fall heat wave. Likeeeee 90 degrees and 100% humidity. Liiiiiiiiike the AC is set at 67 and we have an additional unit in our bedroom thats running + two fans. Liiiiiike we have plans to go swimming tomorrow! I am obsessed with Fall and have no patience for the heat/humidity. But maybe watching one more buckeyes game from the pool on my Saturday off won't be so bad. I've imagined him making his arrival when the air is crisp and cool and the colors all around us are shades of oranges and yellows. Maybe this is natures way of saying we still have time.

When you're pregnant everyone asks how you feel. My answer changes day to day on how I feel. Overall - I'd say good. Yesterday was one of those "not good" days. Too much running around, not enough eating, and some extremely hot weather had me down. We had plans to go to a food truck festival and at 6pm on Friday night as we were walking out the door I just said babe, I can't do it. So some buttered pasta & "chick'n nugs" and a warm bath filled my evening. Hubs made himself an old fashioned with his anniversary gift and we relaxed at home. Some days I hop out of bed ready to slay my to-do list, and others I'm just whipped and nap on and off and spend all my time in Nick's t-shirts. And I think thats okay <3 There was a time when I thought my body would never do this for us. I'm humbled by the reminder that we've made it this far. That there is a kicking, hiccuping, thriving human being inside me right now. That the person we love most in the world we don't even know yet. How thrilling is that thought? In life, when we meet people we don't always know the impact they will make on us right away. But when you are about to meet your child, you know you are about to meet the most important person in the world to you. One that will forever change the direction of your life in all the best ways. So when my body gets tired and doesn't put up with what I want it to do, I have to remind myself its brought us this far. It's grown our perfect human, a human I cried and cried over and feared I would never meet. I will take a night in on the couch watching Property Brothers and falling asleep by 8pm over anything as long as it keeps him safe and sound.

Some moments from our third trimester. I know I will miss this bump once its gone...

We had our baby shower at home the weekend of August 26th and it was perfect. Mother nature tossed us the most incredible 75 degree day. My sister, Bff, and Mom put together the most amazing shower that was wonderfully us. Co-ed full of pizza, beer, and donuts and all our closest friends and family. I can't thank everyone enough who helped to make this day special for us. We were showered with more gifts than we deserve and really felt the love all day. These big events in our life that only come around once, maybe twice absolutely make you realize just how good you have it. I just can't get over how lucky we are in this life. I cannot wait for our babe to meet all the amazing people that already love him so much. Thank you so so so so much for giving us a great weekend to celebrate and setting baby up for his arrival.

Last week Nick and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary.

9.20.14

I love remembering this day and everything it meant to us. Yes the planning was stressful and I barely slept or ate for the weeks leading up to the day - but something tells me your wedding is a little like child-birth. Once its over you forget how awful some parts of it were. Because all I remember was how incredible everything was. That day I was tired and nervous, and that might be an understatement. But I will never forget for the rest of my life when I was walking arm in arm with my parents and we turned the corner and I saw Nick standing there at the end of the aisle this rush like I've never felt in my life ran over me. I was literally repeating out loud "Omg I love him so much, this is exactly where I am supposed to be, I've never been so sure of anything my entire life. I love him I love him I love him." It was this moment where the literal world stopped. This peace came over me and I will never ever forget that feeling. 

We've had quite the three years since then. Started out with a bunch of traveling, and then purchasing and renovating our country home, to trying for and losing babies, to being weeks away from meeting our son. And through all of this I am still just so glad he chose me. I'm not sure if its the hormones, or the fact that I know its not going to be just us two anymore here soon, but I have loved him so hard lately. I've taken the time to notice more of his efforts, whether thats dragging down the laundry basket, helping me install the car seat while I'm sweating and overwhelmed, how so much of his energy goes to his job, or how he brought me home a gift of two pedicures because I can't reach my toes anymore. I just love him. Our life could not be more different than it was when we met at 16. Over the years Nick has made so many promises to me, and I can tell you he's surpassed them all. He has overcome so much in his life and fought a lot harder for success than I ever had to, and I know he's done so much of that for me and our family. My gratefulness for him is immeasurable. Marriage is a constant work in progress, and as we grow older and change and evolve we have to learn new ways to nurture and care for each other. I cannot imagine doing life with anyone else. I want to laugh with him, fight with him, see the world with him, watch netflix with him, and figure out parenting with him. I know this next season is going to bring a lot of exhaustion and a lot less time for date night, but I promise to never forget that there was an us before him. An extremely happy passionate us. I love you, Nick. Then and now and forever.

From our anniversary dinner 9.20.17

34.5 weeks - Wishing we had a great photo together on our anniversary, but these will have to do. 

There is so much excitement and uncertainty in the next 5 weeks! Will my next post be about his arrival? Will he go late and I'll fill you all in on the last few weeks!? I DONT KNOW!! Gonna make me crazy. 

Until then

<3

XOX

-Ashley

Our 8 month kitchen renovation is finished! FINALLY - the big reveal!!

It's 6 am on a Friday morning -- I've been up since 4 -- Thats what being 31 weeks pregnant will do to ya!

I've been so excited to share our kitchen renovation that we have worked so hard on... Yes, it took 8 months. Whoops! Laughing at myself now when I thought it would take 8 weeks -- HA! But, in our defense it has been a functioning kitchen for 4 months, we just had to do all the finishing work. 

Demo started in December - we hosted our first Christmas on plywood floors and opened up walls. The kitchen didn't function until the last week in March. Whew those morning sickness months were FUN. Crawling to the basement where we had a temporary kitchen set up for a cheese stick and a water. GOOD TIMES. Our basement kitchen actually makes me think of being morning sick, haha. Not that I have intentions of cooking gourmet meals down there now that we have our brand new one, but even walking past it just gives me the dry heaves.

It took 4 months to do all the demo and work behind the walls. Tearing out the tile took triple the anticipated time. Basically, everything took SO much more time than we had initially thought. We also relied on my Dad to show us the way, so we really only worked Saturdays and Sundays for those 8 months. And we took a few weekends off here and there :) Once the drywall went up in March things started moving! On August 23, 2017 we put up the last and final piece of trim and the project was DONE! Just in time for our maternity photos that we had taken at home last night. And our baby shower that we're hosting tomorrow!

I was going to make a list of all we did, however when you look at the before and after photos I think thats pretty obvious! It was A LOT. We changed the entire footprint of the kitchen and gutted everything. And learned SO MUCH along the way. Our cabinets are Diamond white shaker, appliances from a Lowes Black Friday deal, wood shelves, island top, and barn door all from a farmer who does woodworking on the side - Whiskey Joes, Kohler farmhouse sink, Moen faucet, lights, table and chairs from Wayfair, solid hardwood flooring from Floor & Decor, countertops "minuet" quartz from Langstone, dining room and sink light from World Market.

We are so happy with the finished project! There were definitely stressful moments along the way and I questioned why we even bought this dark old house... But I am so glad we saw hope here and gave this little house some new life. It really is becoming our dream home. There are tons we still have hopes to do -- like add a master bath this winter, update and paint the garage, renovate the barn, landscaping for days -- but right now we are looking pretty good! Take a look at the before photos first! Hard to even imagine it that way anymore!

And here it is!!! Our perfect white and bright humble kitchen.

And I of course wanted to share some photos of us working along the way. Super fun to relive all of the steps we took to get here. Definitely didn't pop up overnight. Such a labor of love. We are so grateful for the help we had from our family and friends and just so grateful we were able to do this. I literally cannot believe it, but we did it!!

XOX - Ashley

Our Family Name

Nick and I have been married almost 3 years. How did time fly so fast!? Three years of marriage and our first son on the way, life for us right now is beautiful and exciting. 

When we got engaged Nick and I discussed what we would do for our last name in the future. Neither of us were super passionate about anything either direction. Because I had a business established, and because Nick didn't place any pressure on me to change my name, we decided to get married and just keep our names as we were born. We knew we would probably have to address this one day, but for the last three years its worked for us and thats all that matters.

On our honeymoon the entire resort addressed us as Mr. and Mrs. West (my fault! I booked the honeymoon and apparently wasn't specific enough). On our romantic candlelight dinner on the beach they even had menu's printed and we laughed all night about it. And then our adorable Bahamian server said "are you related to Kayne!?" -- Duh!

I guess you could say this was the first time we considered it although it started off as a joke. 

The conversation about our last name seriously started a year and half ago when we got pregnant the first time. This is something we have had numerous discussions about and tons of time to consider. After a lot of thought, and talking through every scenario - we decided we wanted our family last name to be West. This may come as a shock to some, and sound wildly non-traditional, but my response to that is, we are doing what we feel is best for our family and what feels right to us.

Traditions are a beautiful thing. There are so many traditions we have carried out in our families that are so close to our hearts and bring out so much nostalgia. Like the annual West Family Christmas tree hunt, or eating oyster rockefellers in honor of Nick's late grandfather. So many beautiful memories come out of traditions in our family. But sometimes there are traditions in this world that don't necessarily feel right to us, that we may not feel obligated to follow. (Like, no way Nick was taking a garter off of me at our wedding!) As amazing as traditions can be, we shouldn't be forced to repeat them. And as society evolves and families come together in so many different ways, new traditions can be just as beautiful. We are both glad we live in a world where we have this choice and right. 

We have thought about this decision so much, and through that we came to the conclusion that names are something you can decide to keep, or change if you wish. People choose nicknames for themselves and their loved ones, or new last names because that is something they want to aspire to be. This is all about making your own choice about who you are and wish to become, and what you wish for your future family. This is not a decision to make any kind of political stance, or rebel in any way. Changing or keeping your name is about your personal identity. You should only take someone's last name if it is important to you. So thats what we did. 

Nick knows first hand the different ways that families can come together, blend, and separate again. Because of these life experiences he always felt a slight disconnect from his past and family history. So once the discussion seriously started about our family name being West he was quick to consider it. We started dating 10 years ago and Nick very quickly became a part of my family. He won over my grandma pretty much right off the bat because he was sweet and soft-spoken and she saw how happy he made me. Our relationship just worked and always felt right and the transition bringing him in was hardly a transition at all. And since then we've gone on countless vacations, had too many family dinners to count, shared lots-o-beers, and gone through some of the hard stuff together too. Because thats what family is for, to be there through it all. My parents have spent well over 60+ weekends with us making our dream house come to life. My dad has taught Nick so much over the years and I can tell you we are both incredibly grateful for that. I can't count the times Nick has told me "I don't know where I would be without your family." I know he has always felt like one of their own and its brought him a lot of comfort and security in his adult life. 

I come from a family of A LOT of girls. When I first got married I remember feeling slightly depressed because the West name would be gone. (Obviously I didn't change my name so that wasn't our story). But I'd be lying if I said the idea of walking away from a name I've had 29 years, that I am very proud of, would have been easy. Nick was always sensitive to that so he never placed pressure on me to change it. It was just literally a non-issue in our marriage. In the last 10 years we have cultivated a relationship with my family that felt so true to us. It really didn't take much consideration at all for Nick to decide he too wanted to be part of this family in more than just marriage, but in name as well. We both felt excited and honored to carry on the West name, and give it to our future son. And just as I was reluctant to let go of my last name, Nick decided that using Cary as his middle name would be a great way to keep his "maiden name" while still getting the last name we wanted. 

I feared this decision for Nick... Would he regret it? What if people are so hung up on this and pass judgement onto him? What if he has to spend the next however many years explaining his decision? Would we hurt anyones feelings? I've thought all of this through. And brought it up to Nick more times than I'd like to admit. (Babe, I just wanted to be 1000% sure!!) But at the end of the day we always came back to "this is what feels right for our family." And that should be ALL that matters. We have been building a beautiful life for us and our future children for years, and it is our decision how we want to raise our family, and name our family. I'm sure years from now this stigma will be gone and we will laugh about how much we had to explain this decision to people (I only hope we live in a world moving in that direction). But for now, while this is new and dare I say "progressive," go easy on us! Express some empathy and understanding. Don't be so quick to judge and don't be so hung up on the decisions other people make for their lives. We are not marching the streets asking all men to change to their wives names, but more just asking that you allow us to do so in peace and offer some support. And besides, the dogs have always been Jude West and Scout West and I don't even want to think of how hard that process would be through social security to change their names. Obviously, decision made. 

Thank you so much for your support and understanding as we embark on the next exciting chapter of our lives, parenthood! We're not ready to announce baby boys name yet, although we are about 99% certain on what it will be! Just gotta see that face first!! 

We love you all!

"The West Family" (+ our little bean who is not pictured here and was conceived long after that beer, for the record)

Busy isn't a badge of honor --- My journey to work/life balance.

Lets flash back to 2009 when I first picked up my camera and pretty much dropped everything else in my life. I was on the track to being a ceramics art teacher. When I graduated high school in 2007 my parents built me a ceramics studio in their home to chase my dream. Well, that following Christmas 2008 they bought me my first dslr camera and the rest was history. Although I still had a huge passion for ceramics, photography took over. I enrolled in the 2 year Associate of Photography Degree at Columbus State, got a 2nd shooter/assistant position with a wedding photographer for 2010's season - and I was off. I officially started my photography business in March 2011, and graduated from college that June. I had been shooting two years prior to the official start of my business, but finally realized... wait, I have 60+ portrait sessions and 20+ weddings scheduled for this year -- I think its time to make this thing official. I felt young, insecure, a little "not ready" but dove into tons and tons of research, got an accountant and an LLC and made this thing happen.

When I was young I had no dreams of being an entrepreneur. I had just never really put thought into it at all. And even once I was officially a business owner I'm not sure it was my dream. Everyone's story to starting their business is different. Mine went like this -- casually photograph friends and family for fun, start charging a little, booking constantly, start charging a little more, whoa my business started over night -- I am so busy and actually making an income now I better make this thing legit. So I let go of my part time jobs one at a time and became a full time business owner. I was incredibly passionate about the photography aspect, but the business owner part was something I wasn't stoked on initially. Now, as time went on and I got more experience and confidence, I grew super proud of the business I had built. I now sometimes even feel that my business is so much of my identity, what would I be without it? (But we will touch more on that later). 

My passion for the photography/wedding industry ran soooooo deep inside me. The drive I had to make this successful was larger than anything else I had ever experienced. So while a lot of my friends and roommates were in school working part time jobs, drinking Friday and Saturday nights, I was a full time student, full time business owner, and had two other part time jobs in the beginning to make it all work. Back then, I didn't care to miss out on those party nights. I had a few, and they were fun and some amazing memories... But I never felt like I was "missing out" because I just truly loved my job so much. Work was everything. I wanted to be a better photographer, editor, business owner - I was in school, working in the field, and doing constant research to be the best I could be. I remember back then thinking I will never be as good as "this" photographer. I will never be published in a magazine. I will never "make it." But I kept pushing and pushing to try and get there.

2011, 2012, and 2013 seasons went perfectly. I was still at a place in my life where I never felt like I was missing out. I was loving my job and still working all hours of the day and night but feeling great about it. Nick and I have been dating almost 10 years so he's been along for the ride. We got engaged in October 2013 and started planning our wedding right away. I of course had to choose a date I didn't already have a wedding on so we were limited. 2014 was the first year I questioned my intense priority to put my job first. I shot 30 weddings that year and 150+ portrait sessions while planning my wedding and buying our first home. The 6 months leading up to our wedding were some of the most stressful in my life. Didn't have a period, lost 15 pounds accidentally, and was in complete over-drive. I shot an out of town double header the weekend before my own wedding. WHAT WAS I THINKING??? Our wedding day came, I was such an exhausted version of myself -- It was an incredible day, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't so so tired and exhausted on another level. But we got through the rest of that year and I was already booking for 2015 and feeling fine with it. 

2015 was the first year I started thinking--whoa--I'm tired and I'm missing a ton in my personal life. So many nights of Nick yelling down the hall at 11pm asking if I was going to come to bed. Or nights in bed I check my email, get a message from a bride that in my head felt urgent, hop out of bed and deal with it at all hours of the night. I was slowly realizing that I was absolutely never shutting off. Nick had season tickets to the Crew games that Summer and I will never forget one night after a wedding he said "I feel like I am literally single, I am with our friends without you every weekend and I miss you. I feel like we have such separate lives because our schedules are so opposite." That hit me like a truck. In 2015 I remember shooting 20 weekends straight, and some weekends two weddings. It was pretty intense. And just to let you in on a little something -- shooting a wedding isn't just on a Saturday. I won't go into detail... BUT the work leading up to a wedding is CRAY. The preparing gear and triple checking everything starts on Thursday, goes into Friday. Wedding days are SO long. And then forget Sundays! You're so exhausted and hung over you're lucky to get out of your PJ's. And don't forget I'm shooting 3-4 sessions weekly, trying to stay up on emails, oh and EDITING, and quickbooks, and taxes, and wedding timelines, meeting new brides, packaging USB's, ordering business materials, the list NEVER ENDS. Lets just say I was logging 60-70 hour weeks April thru December. I knew I wanted to make a change but knew I was also terrified to do so. I booked 3 less weddings for 2016 and only did 3 double headers (instead of the 10 I would have normally done) so it felt like I made a change. But it still wasn't enough.

2016 -- If you are a follower of this blog you know how 2016 went for us. It was the absolute hardest year of my life. But lets focus on business for a second. I really started getting the "missing out" feeling the end of 2015 and it trickled into the following year. I cannot tell you how many family events, family vacations, birthday parties, cookouts, and personal life fun times I missed out on over the years. But like I said in the beginning I was so 100% career driven I didn't even notice. As time went on this slowly started to wear on me. And years and years of my Type A/anxious personality running this business gave me feelings of burn out and total exhaustion. I tried to make a few changes for 2016, but overall I was still working just about the same hours, devoting my entire life to my job, skipping life events because even if I didn't have a shoot scheduled, there were a million other tasks I had to do so I better not go to happy hour with my girlfriends. I have a slight obsession with checking things off my to-do list. NEWS FLASH: when you are a business owner your to-do list is NEVER done. Literally never. Because there is ALWAYS something else you could be doing to be better for your clients and for your biz overall. Lets just say work/life balance was just not even a thing in my life... and when anyone ever asked me what I was doing my response was ALWAYS "I'm busy, so busy."

More on 2016 - This was the year Nick and I decided to try and start a family. We had plans to start trying in Fall 2015 -- So I was of course so worried about booking weddings because of "possible due dates." So I was turning things down, or booking them but then being worried. (If I had only known then we would go through 15 months of trying and 2 miscarriages and that I had absolutely no control over when this would happen for us.) But I was naive and thought I could control it so I based so much off of that when initially booking my 2016 season. We found out our 1st baby was not developing properly in February 2016, and after three agonizing weeks of "do I miscarry naturally or not?" I finally decided to have the surgical procedure in mid-March. If you've read past posts you know how much loosing our baby affected my emotional and mental health. Crushed is an understatement. I remember being so thankful that I didn't have a wedding in that few weeks because I'm not sure how I would have done it. But - life went on as it did and my clients were waiting for me that Spring. I shot maternity sessions, and newborn sessions, and 3 births, and happy family sessions, leaving every one feeling empty inside. And wedding work picked back up and it was back to the grind. So, I had no time to take for myself for healing and processing this grief, I just had to go to work. And some days this was a good thing. I LOVE my clients and getting out of the house always helped. But the busyness crept back in and I never felt like I did things for ME to heal. April through September I was super focused on getting pregnant again. And crying every month I didn't. I was working a ton, not taking care of myself, experiencing depression for the first time in my life, mean-while putting on a happy face for clients and friends so I could try and have some sense of "normalcy" when in reality I felt the opposite of normal. We got pregnant again in September. THRILLED. I was like THIS IS IT!! Rainbow baby we love you here we come! When I woke up a Saturday in October to prepare for a wedding that day I started bleeding... I was hysterical. Didn't know if I was miscarrying or if it was just implantation bleeding... But -- I had a wedding. What was I supposed to do!? At the time I felt there was truly no other option than for me to shoot this wedding. I called my best photo friend sobbing, and her and my second shooter showed up and helped me all day. They were angels. I was sick and drained and bleeding and scared but I stayed at that wedding all day. We found out that week that the pregnancy was gone and we had lost our 2nd. Absolute darkest time of my life. But, its October in a photographers world so back to work. Let me reiterate once more how much I completely adore my work and clients. All of what I am describing to you is a classic case of feeling rock bottom in your personal life, tied up with being a work-a-holic, and an obsessive people pleaser - I put way too much pressure on myself to maintain my normal caliber of life in work when I felt everything but normal.

All of 2016 I worried - will we ever have a successful pregnancy? Will we ever get our baby? I was so so sick and drained emotionally, but still attending friends baby showers and photographing their perfect families when that's all I dreamt of having for Nick and I. 2016 was the year I realized busy is NOT necessarily a good thing. People pleasing to the point of no boundaries at all will wear you down. Never shutting off your job so you can enjoy moments with friends and family will slowly but surely break your heart. Again I was obsessing over booking weddings for 2017. What if we finally get pregnant? What if there are complications? What if I can't attend a wedding? But this is my job and I need an income, what choice do I have? I started making small changes. I purposely booked only 16 weddings for 2017 because I was desperate to be pregnant and thought maybe if I took a leap and tried to lessen my work load, things would fall into place. (As you know, they did! I'm 30 weeks pregnant with our miracle and thanking my lucky stars every single day). But - I will tell you, 16 weddings pregnant is a little like 30 not pregnant! Although I have felt better and definitely learned the word "no," I still struggle constantly with work life balance. I promised myself last year that if we were lucky enough to get pregnant absolutely nothing would come before the health of my baby and myself. I am doing OK with this! Not as good as I want to (and not 100% listening to my endocrinologist) but I feel I am doing my best to take care of myself, keep him safe on the inside, and keep my business functioning to the absolute best of my ability. But the guilt has made my sick. I started having some complications in June where I was collapsing, total and complete loss of energy, blood sugar drops, and fatigue so extreme I could barely walk. This was mainly happening at and after weddings. It was more terrifying than I can describe to you. I was so paranoid our babe wasn't okay. I was so mad at myself for working that hard that I would put his potential life in danger. I was frustrated with my body for not keeping up. Lets just say this Summer has been hard! My weeks consist of rest and work. Those are my two obligations. Because I am struggling so much with feeling healthy I feel I need to rest as much as possible. And work is a MUST and personal life is a MAYBE so I haven't done much for myself at all this Summer. Lightbulbs started going off.

I think a lot of people imagine entrepreneurship as this free and happy and easy and flexible lifestyle. There are so many things about this dream I was chasing that I didn't know anything about. That you never "get days off." And most likely you will work more just to keep your dream alive and your business thriving. Emails will run your life. If you want a lunch date completely uninterrupted, don't even open your phone! Don't look. An urgent message from a bride could derail you and make you so not present in your moment. Working for yourself can be isolating. In a wedding photographers world, we work out of our home nights and weekends, and seeing loved ones can be wildly challenging and start to get depressing over time. The work and ideas never end! There is no "clocking out" or "finishing work." You have to always be available and ON. And that your answer to "How are you?" will always always always be "BUSY!" In these times I have been anxious/stressed/not sleeping and feeling like I was barely hanging on. I've spent the last year soul searching -- could I really be considering leaving the industry I fought tooth and nail to break into? Could I really be walking away from MY DREAM? But I realized as you grow older, your dreams change. Like our dreams for our country life, our home renovation, our big family and kids growing up outside and on tractors on our property. Dreams of having the same days off as my husband so we can bond and truly relax together. Dreams of things bigger than my career. Dreams of a child and a family and a "simple life." Up until last year, nothing was bigger than my career. And after loosing two babies, a switch went off in me. I cannot live like this. I cannot survive this frantic way of living, being constantly overwhelmed, not present in any of my moments and devoting all of my energy towards my job. My job is incredible, I LOVE IT. But every one reaches a burn out point. Too much of a good thing can still be too much. So after some long and heartfelt talks with Nick, we came to the conclusion that I am going to scale back majorly on weddings. When we looked at our future and saw us each living the single parent life it scared and depressed us both. We want family time together. We want bonding time with all 3 of us in the future. We want to both be relaxed the same days of the week. And I want to say YES to more things that make me happy and NO to the things that drain and wear me down. This decision does not come without its struggles... Obvious worries of how will this look financially? Emotional worries of how this will affect me and my confidence. For so long I've been "Ashley West the Wedding Photographer" -- what am I without this? Have I based so much of my self worth on my career? Worries if my business will still prosper shooting more families and exploring other avenues of photography. It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I am scaling back on a dream I literally put my entire life on hold to attain for 7 years. Its scary and certainly uncharted waters... But I want my message to be clear. If you are unhappy in any avenue in your life, repeating history will not change it. I am putting my money where my mouth is and making big changes for my life and my family and our happiness. Because at the end of the day I want to be remembered as a hard and faithful worker, absolutely. But mainly a good mother, a good friend, someone who lived fully and was present in her moments and didn't take an ounce of life for granted. So that is the direction I am headed, friends! We have some big plans for another adventure in the future and I am so excited to see that come to life. But for now, in this last 10 weeks of my pregnancy I am focusing on my family and trying something I've never tried, putting us first. 

As always, your support means the world! Navigating through all of these avenues in life can be so incredibly hard, but support from friends and family makes it so much more manageable. We love you all <3

And of course a photo of my WHY. Why I work so hard, why I do everything I do in life is for them. (And our tiny bean on the way!)

Our perfect miracle that I still have to constantly convince myself is reality. We love him beyond ways I could ever describe.